Ingeborg Bosch

ILLUSIONS

Free yourself from the maze of destructive emotions

Past Reality Integration

www.pastrealityintegration.com

Published in the Netherlands by

Ingeborg Bosch PRI b.v.

© 2017 Ingeborg Bosch

© 2017 Translation Chantal Spapens

Cover design Marry van Baar/ Maarten Bosch

Layout design and images Guido Cuijpers

Cover image Shutterstock

ISBN 978-90-807049-4-7

NUR 777

www.PastRealityIntegration.com

All rights reserved. ®No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author.

Table of Content

Word of thanks

Introduction

1.      PRI in brief

The essence of the PRI-theory in eight statements

The undivided consciousness:

Life-threatening events:

The divided consciousness:

Creation of the defense:

Destruction caused by the defense:

Symbols:

The impact of symbols

Under the spell of illusions:

The objective of PRI

The PRI-method as a way of life

2.      PRI in perspective: background and common grounds

Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalysis

Arthur Janov’s Primaltherapy

Jean Jenson’s Primaltherapy-based approach

Past Reality Integration

Intersection between PRI and other therapeutic approaches

A spiritual perspective

3.      Meaning and significance of defense and regression

The functioning of the consciousness and the defense

Disidentification of the symbol and the defense

Defense reversal

Why reverse the defense?

Physiology of the defense

The origins of the defense

PRI regressions: misconceptions and significance

Dis-identified feeling from old-pain

4.      Primary defense

Main charateristics

Primary defense and depression

Sex and primary defense

Examples of primary defense

Suicide and primary defense

The exit of the maze of primary defense

Step 1. Recognize the primary defense

Step 2. Unmask the primary defense at the illusion it is

Step 3. Dismiss the primary defense

Step 4. Go back to the symbol

Step 5. Detect the sting in the symbol

Step 6. Magnify the sting

Step 7. Allowing the old pain

PRI as symbol created by primary defense

5.      False hope

Main characteristics

Examples of false hope

Stress related diseases

Compulsive behavior or compulsive thoughts

Worrying, mulling and insomnia

Compulsive caregiving syndrome

Sex and false hope

The exit of the maze of false hope

Step 1. Recognize the false hope

Step 2. Stop the false hope behavior while you keep feeling

Step 3. formulate the false hope

Step 4. Break down the false hope

Step 5. Allow the old pain

6.      False power

Main characteristics

Examples of false power

Borderline personality disorder

Manic episodes

Sex and false power

The exit of the maze of false power

Step 1. Recognize the false power

Step 2. Do not express the false power or stop expressing it

Step 3. Detect and magnify the sting

Step 4. Take your focus off the symbol and focus on yourself

Step 5. Allow the old pain

7.      Denial of needs

Main charateristics

Examples of denial of needs

Addictions

Bulimia and Anorexia

Sex and denial of needs

Exit of the maze of denial of needs

Step 1. Recognize the denial of needs

Step 2. Detect the symbol and the sting

Step 3. Focus on the sting

Step 4. Reverse the denial of needs behavior

Step 5. Focus on your body

Step 6. Identify the need

Step 7. Allow and name the old pain

PRI and the denial of needs

8.      Fear

Fear as defense

Panic attack

Agoraphobia

Specific phobia

Social phobia

Psychosis, schizophrenia and delusions

Dissociation

Fear reversal

9.      The circle of defense

Switching from one defense to the other

Criterion for defense reversal

Catching the defense in a therapy session

10.      The Adult Consciousness

The uniqueness of the adult consciousness

Can we know the adult consciousness?

The risk of false hope

The contours of the adult consciousness

11.      Experiences of PRI clients

Hans’s story

Froukje’s story

Anna’s story

Danielle’s story

Juliette’s story

Appendix 1: The personal defense profile test

Appendix 2: False hope and relaxation

Appendix 3: false hope and insomnia

Appendix 4: Denial of needs and addicitions

Appendix 5: Professional PRI training for health care professionals

Appendix 6: PRI therapy options

Glossary

Bibliography

Register

About the author

Word of thanks

I wish to express a heartfelt thanks to all the readers of Rediscovering the true Self, whose enthusiasm enables the PRI ideas to spread further and to touch an increasing number of lives in a positive way.

I feel a lot of gratitude towards the people who lovingly support me, encourage me and give me the space to do this work.

I will always be grateful towards my clients, who, every day, give me the opportunity to learn more about the ‘condition humaine’ and the liberation from the emotional pitfalls of this suffering.

There are also a great number of people, including clients and colleagues, who have contributed to this book with their own personal stories, by providing feedback on the text, or by typing out parts of therapy sessions. A very, very warm thanks to you all. Your support has helped me a lot and contributed in no small way to the end result.

With profound gratitude I am blessed to know that I have the privilege to do this work.

Ingeborg Bosch.

Introduction

Now that the first sentences of this new book appear on the screen in front of me, inevitably memories come up of when my last book, Rediscovering the true Self 1, was published, two years ago.

While writing that book I sometimes had terrible doubts. By the time I had nearly finished the book, the doubt was so intense that I was convinced that I should start all over again (it seems more authors suffer from this²). But when I received the first copy, I got a sense of great joy. A book! It was now getting published, and I was happy about the content. I had written down my thoughts, my views on various theoretical and practical subjects. I had been candid and I had not shied away from controversial subjects. I had written the book from my heart.

This joy was replaced by excited expectation: would the book find its way in the world? And how? After these pleasant emotions, to my surprise, I was overwhelmed by fear that the book would be in the store and would be read by anybody. This fear, that lasted a few days, felt as a sort of panic. ‘I can’t go back, I am all out there, for all to see. I am unprotected, exposed to views, views that will be hostile and that I cannot escape anymore. I should have written under a pseudonym, then at least I would have been safe. Now I cannot hide anymore and I am helplessly at the mercy of the firestorm of reactions coming my way. Imagine that the book really sells well, where can I go then to be safe?’

1 Since the publication in December 2000, the 23rd edition has been published (Atlas Contact, Amsterdam 2016). The book is also available in the original English version Rediscovering the true Self since April 2002, as well as in French and Italian (see www.pastrealityintegration.com).

2 Michel Houllebecq, the French writer who became world famous overnight with his controversial novel The Elementary Particles, describes what it is like for him when he writes a book: ‘It is a question of shame, he confesses. For each new book, he imagines himself dying before publication: otherwise he can’t do it’ (interview in de Volkskrant of 28-12-2002).

It took a while for me to realize that these reactions were a little bit over the top. However, destiny decided that the first reaction to the book I received, was full of blame against me. The essence of the argument -written by a psychologist - was that I had let myself be blinded by my own views, that those views were certainly interesting in some places, but nevertheless missed the essence and that it was very maladroit to be critical towards other therapeutic schools. Of course, this reaction was feeding my fear! For a while, these remarks kept echoing in my head and not only did I feel the fear to ‘make the world angry’, but I also had a deep feeling that of course ‘it was my own fault’. I should not have let myself get carried away, I should have stuck to hard, empirical facts and I should have only made statements based on quantitative research, I should not have shown all my enthusiasm and emotions and above all I should not have criticized other therapeutic approaches and their practitioners! In short, what goes around, comes around!

Those who are already familiar with Past Reality Integration³ - in short, PRI – will recognize my defense mechanisms and the echo of the old reality, that had been activated by the confrontation to, for me, a whole new symbolic situation: publishing my first book. Very clearly, a child’s fear of parental anger and the primary defense of feeling guilty for the wrath of the world 4. The example shows how old pain comes up as a result of symbols and how the defense immediately goes to work!

3 I recommend the reader, who is not familiar with PRI, to first read Chapter 1, in which PRI is explained in brief, for a better understanding of this introduction.

4 In the text, parent(s), father and mother will be used. This is to indicate the primary caregivers, even if these are not the parents, father or mother, but for example adoption or foster parents or caregivers in a home where the child grows up.

Luckily, I was able to quickly see what was happening, reverse my defense, allow the old pain and go back to the present. A present in which not only I would be spared from other angry reactions, but in which the reactions I did get and still get on a daily basis, exceed my wildest dreams. What touches me most, every time, is the extent to which readers feel understood, touched and supported by the PRI ideas and concepts.

Now that the English, French and Italian versions of Rediscovering the true Self are available, I receive reactions along similar lines from abroad. Readers identify with what it is about, an identification at a deep level, very impactful. Impactful, probably because many of the ideas on which PRI is based, are not common in our society and are still denied. Many people who start to see the connection between their problems in the present and their early childhood, can feel alone in this understanding. Judging by the great number of reactions I receive, some words of encouragement for these readers: more and more people are open to the influence of their early childhood on their problems in the present and are open to the ideas as developed by PRI. I will cite a few readers in order to illustrate this development:

‘Unbelievable, so much recognition! What a support, detailed in black and white.’;

I have applied PRI therapy on myself. And I have to say, it is incredible what has happened to me.’

‘Unfortunately I have only read the book recently. Too late, much too late, I have to and I can conclude. I should not have been so dumb to ignore this book.’

‘I am deeply impressed, I am working with it and it works.’

‘On the advice of a pastor I read your book. I cry tears of relieve because I feel I have finally found what I have always been looking for.’

‘Each feeling of fear or panic becomes the opportunity to acquire more understanding, provided you find the courage to feel the pain in your body. Your book has opened this opportunity. I am very grateful.’

‘For the past year, I have gone through your book alone and in my experience this has been the most profound therapy I have ever gone through, and there are many! At the end of the day, I feel like I have never come as far as with your book!’

Colleague health care providers manifested themselves as well:

‘I got a shock of recognition when reading your book: this goes to the heart of the client’s problem, and shows what can be done about it.’

‘I cannot say enough how happy I am with this book. Finally, I start to understand a lot of things.’

‘I think it is great that a therapeutic approach has been developed, that takes our childhood past into due account. That is why I am even more annoyed that so many therapists limit themselves to treating the symptoms and cover up the root cause, the pain from the childhood.

However, much as it is wonderful that people feel touched and supported by Rediscovering the true Self and start applying PRI with dedication, a few complications started to loom.

It became clear that the PRI theory and method, as described in Rediscovering the true Self have a deceptive simplicity. This means that unfortunately, to understand PRI and to apply it, seems easier than it is. Even though some readers are able to apply PRI autonomously and with good results, they seem to be a minority. As far as I have gained a representative image, the following scenario seems to occur a lot.

Sometimes coincidentally, but usually via friends or health care professionals, somebody gets a hold of the book. Usually there is a shock of recognition. Sometimes the shock is violent and causes fear, with as a result that the book is put on the shelf for a long time or thrown across the room out of anger. ‘I do not need to read this crap.’ However, if the shock is violent but is not experienced as too threatening, the person, after the relief caused by being finally being able to understand up to then inexplicable emotions, continues to read and experiences intense emotions, childhood pain, touched upon by reading. Sometimes readers even experience spontaneous regressions purely as a result of reading the book. The intense experience that often goes hand in hand with reading the book, subsequently results in an enthusiastic application of PRI, in the hope of being freed from the suffering somebody feels caught up in that moment.

Unfortunately, it quickly becomes apparent that it is difficult to recognize your own defense and even if you can, to know then what to do with it. ‘To reverse it? Yes, but how? Is this a reversal? I keep on reversing!’

Since our defense consists of illusions that we do not see and which we firmly believe, it is so difficult to recognize defense. In fact, we are completely under the spell of these illusions. There are countless examples. ‘She is a witch’, ‘I am worthless’, ’I do not care’, ‘I have to do everything perfectly’. These kinds of thoughts, in turn, cause a whole arsenal of emotions, from anger, feelings of insignificance, to indifference, stress, which keep us imprisoned.

Imprisoned means in this context that we seem to have no power over these emotions. ‘I can’t help it, that is just the way I feel’, is a common phrase, suggesting that emotions are holy and untouchable, because they originate from the ‘real’ source which has to be respected, always. But: when we do not distinguish between the different sources of our emotions, and the different kinds of emotions⁵ we experience, we end up in a maze of overwhelming emotions. Emotions we do not understand, which come up unexpectedly and drag us along in their power.

5 Emotions can originate from our Adult Consciousness, our Childhood Consciousness or our defense. The significance of emotions and what we should do with them if we want to heal ourselves, differs greatly and depends on the source of the emotions. See Chapter 2, p.70

It is very difficult to reverse a defense, because a defense originates from an unconscious source, which means that the source of the defense, what makes the defense become activated, originates from layers in our brain where our consciousness is not present, we do not control and we do not have a conscious power over.

If we do succeed in recognizing the defense and reversing it, the PRI process can stagnate in the regression stage. To get access to old pain in order to experience it as deeply as possible, is frightening for many. A fear that withholds us from doing regressions autonomously, in the idea that ‘we will not make it, die, become crazy, never get out of it’. But as long as we are aware that the pain we feel is old, the pain will not hurt us. Not even if we are alone when we allow the old pain. That is, if there is no understanding or ‘knowing’ other person with us to support us. Even then it is not damaging to allow old pain.

Some think that it is not advisable to feel old pain when we are alone, because we can re-traumatize ourselves, as it were. The child we were, after all, was alone with the pain, so if we go through that again to feel the pain without the support of another person, we repeat our past experience and re-traumatize ourselves.

From a PRI point of view, there are a few inaccuracies in that standpoint. Firstly, the child we were, has not felt the pain, because otherwise he would not have survived. With the defense, the child has sealed off his feelings and thus, has survived. Secondly we do not need support to fully allow our old pain in a PRI regression because we know that what we feel is old and that it cannot hurt us to allow it. By believing we can feel old pain only when we have now what we did not have then – the support and presence of an understanding other -, we stay entangled in the defense of false hope. This defense makes us think that we need in the present what we needed in the past (we think that the old childhood need is an adult need), and that we can have that now. This is by definition impossible and untrue. We will never be able to get it (the hole that has been punched in the past can never be filled by events in the present) and we do not need it (our adult needs are not the same as our childhood needs).

Luckily, it is possible to feel old pain autonomously in a way that is healing, if one has mastered the tool of the PRI regression. Before that however, the support of a therapist can be indispensable. However, the role of the therapist in that case, is focused on teaching the client how to carry out a regression autonomously by helping her, among others, to reach a point where the client knows that what she feels is old and that it cannot hurt her to allow these intense emotions. The role of the therapist is not to prevent re-traumatization of the client with his presence.

So, to recognize and to reverse defense is difficult. To carry out regressions autonomously as well, especially because of the fear it can activate. This book will mainly focus on these difficulties. The focus will be on the defense – recognition and reversal -, because this area is crucial for healing and because it causes a lot of misunderstandings. I would like to clarify these misunderstandings so that the positive impact that working on our defense has on our lives and our loved ones, comes more within reach.

This book is written for the reader who is already familiar with PRI and maybe already applies the principles to her life, as well as for the reader who discovers PRI via this book. In order to make the book not only accessible, but also, hopefully, interesting for both groups, it is structured as follows.

In Chapter 1 I will describe the PRI theory and method in brief. In addition, new insights, which have arisen after the publication of Rediscovering the true Self are described extensively for the first time.

In Chapter 2 I will describe the genesis of PRI and common grounds with other forms of therapy.

In Chapter 3, defense in general is outlined, as well as the physiological and physical aspects of defense. I also focus on PRI regression; the prevailing misunderstandings and the relative importance of this tool in comparison to the concept of defense reversal. I will also give people working with regressions some practical tips.

In Chapter 4 up to and including 8, various defense mechanisms will be covered. Firstly, defense mechanisms that are mostly cognition based: primary defense, false hope, false power and denial of needs (a recent distinction). Then, the defense mechanism fear will be covered, which is mostly physiological based, and which is situated at the intersection between the wall of denial and the Childhood Consciousness. In these Chapters, the connection between different forms of suffering and the defense that caused them, will be made. For example, depressions fall under primary defense. Burn-out is a result of false hope. Addictions belong to denial of needs. Borderline disorders are strongly connected to false power and anxiety disorders are a manifestation of the fear as a defense.⁶

In each Chapter, a number of more extreme, and less familiar examples of each defense will be looked at. Forms that may be less familiar at first sight to most people. There are three reasons for that. Firstly, I want to show that these extremes are not fundamentally different from our ‘normal’ daily behavior. Secondly, extreme examples can help to better understand the essence of each defense. The deeper your understanding of the essence of each defense, the better your ability to recognize an active defense in yourself. A vital step in your own healing. Thirdly, with these extreme examples, I want to illustrate how PRI looks at these ‘psychological disorders’: as a defense against old pain and not as a more or less irreparable flaw in our organism. This is important because this view determines if and how you deal with the problem. In PRI the approach consists for a large part in reversing the specific defense and allowing the old pain.⁷

In each Chapter on defense, I will also make some comments about the way defenses manifest themselves in sex, because this is a subject that concerns a lot of people, unfortunately not only in a positive way.

In Chapter 9, the way the different defenses alternate and succeed each other is described.

In Chapter 10, I tempt to describe the contours of the Adult Consciousness; something I did not do in my previous book.

In Chapter 11, you can read personal experiences of people who have started to apply PRI in their daily life.

I hope that these stories, just like the stories in Rediscovering the true Self⁸, will provide clarity and inspiration to people who want to start working with PRI.

6 PRI considers most emotional problems, categorized as psychological disorders, not as a flaw or shortcoming of the sufferer, but as a direct result of defense mechanisms, which go out of their way to keep the old pain away, in the mistaken and unconscious ‘belief’ that this guarantees survival. That is why I prefer not to use the term ‘disorder’ in this context, but rather speak of defense, protection and suffering caused by this.

7 In principle, during PRI therapy it is recommended to not take any medication. There may be exceptions, especially when somebody suffers from very intense fears or psychotic delusions.

8 The twenty-third edition of this book has been published in The Netherlands, April 2016 (Atlas Contact 2016).

The Appendices start with a test that enables you to determine your own personal defense profile. Maybe it will be clarifying if you do this test before you read any further. Besides, many people regularly redo the test in order to get an idea of their progress in working on their defense. Are the defenses becoming less powerful? In that way, you can use this test as a kind of diagnostic instrument.

In Appendices 2, 3 and 4, I describe respectively relaxation, sleeping problems and addictions, problems a lot of people struggle with and that are the direct result of the defense in action. At first sight, these Appendices may seem like odd men out. The reason I did include them is that false hope that is out of control, is unlikely to subside without the application of relaxation techniques and the treatment of sleeping problems, when they are serious. What relaxation means to false hope, giving up addictions means to denial of needs. In this case, too, various addictions are so prevalent that only if this problem is addressed, a reversal of the defense of denial of needs will be possible.

Appendix 5 contains information about training to become a PRI therapist, which is open to people who work as health care professionals. Appendix 6 describes the available options for a PRI therapy.

The book is concluded with a glossary, a bibliography and a register.

Here and there, in Chapter 3 in particular, I talk about rather abstract issues, thoughts, that may not be easy to understand at first. However, I do advise you to try and go to the essence in those cases, not because I want to burden my readers with difficult, abstract theories, but because I want to give them as many tools as possible in order to apply PRI successfully. After all, PRI is not an easy method, in particular because we are so often misled by all kinds of illusions. Indeed, the abstract theoretical information contained in this book, especially in Chapter 3, can help you tremendously to unmask these illusions again and again, a basic condition for progress! Reading the book together with another person also can provide great support when you try to understand the text and to make it your own.

Much of the development of the theory in PRI, as I describe it in Rediscovering the true Self and in this book, is based on observations in clinical practice. The wealth of information a therapist with a substantial practice has access to on a daily basis, cannot be valued enough as a source of formulation of continuous additional or new hypotheses. Also, the practice offers plenty of possibility to clinically test these hypotheses: does it work the way I think it works? The clinical practice, where case histories are the basis of theory development, is extremely valuable for the formulation of new concepts. However, clinical assessment differs from empirical testing and proof, although in both cases, the consciousness of the researcher will impact the research outcomes and purely objective scientific research is also just an illusion.

The basic principles of PRI and the model based thereon, seem to be working well in practice and are broadly applicable, as evidenced by the experiences of the ever increasing group of PRI therapists. So, this work asks for a further scientific substantiation. I am confident that this substantiation will come as soon as PRI will be better known and that the ideas will generate the curiosity of scientists skilled in empirical research.

Much of the theory development within PRI based on clinical observation, has now been scientifically substantiated. We get to know more and more about how the consciousness functions, the extent of the unconscious, the memory, the possibility to ‘forget’ experiences, the far-reaching influence of our childhood on our emotional and physical development, the relative importance of genes versus the impact of experiences, the way traumas can be processed, etc. It is very encouraging to see how much more we know now compared to two years ago when I was writing my first book, and how quickly that knowledge has spread and has become common knowledge.

In this book, just like in Rediscovering the true Self, I try to give the reader as much relevant information as possible, even only through references to other literature, on all these very interesting new research areas and their outcomes. The readers who is interested in these developments, can get a lot further in their search for relevant scientific information. However, no matter how interesting scientific research, its outcomes and clinical hypotheses and theory development may be, I hope, above all, to stimulate the reader with the information I present, to always think critically and to investigate the ‘truth’ of some things based on their own experience. At the end of the day, that is what counts. What helps me in my daily life? Whether it is something that has been proven by empirical research or fits within clinical theories or not, is of lesser importance at that point.

I already wrote in Rediscovering the true Self: PRI is a way of life. A way of life that, if you apply it with dedication, will give you a tool that you can use any time you need it. Once you have mastered the use of this tool, that knowledge and skill will stay with you forever. Surviving and avoiding, fear and conflict will usually not be needed anymore and if they occur, they will only need to be of limited duration. When we are able to unmask the illusions that make our lives so much harder than needed, we can abandon the resistance we feel against allowing the experience we encounter in the present and retrieve the ability to deal with it in a constructive way, and the unlimited possibilities in life can once again reveal themselves to us. It is given to all of us to recognize this and make it into a reality in our lives. From the bottom of my heart, I hope this book will help you achieve this.

Ingeborg Bosch

The

original sin is to

limit the Is.

Don’t.

Richard Bach in Illusions⁹

9 R. Bach, Illusions, 1977, New York: Dell Publishing Co.

1. PRI in brief

In this Chapter I will summarize the essential theory of PRI¹⁰ as described in Rediscovering the true Self, supplemented with new insights arisen after the publication of that book. It will be about the main principles of PRI. If you would like to learn more, I recommend you read Rediscovering the true Self¹¹.

After having described the essence of PRI-theory, I will discuss the objective of PRI and the four phases of PRI-therapy¹².

The essence of the PRI-theory in eight statements

The undivided consciousness: a child is born with an undivided consciousness. The moment we are born, theoretically, our consciousness is whole¹³. It means that all signals can enter this consciousness: signals coming through the senses such as scents, sounds, touch, taste, or from within the body such as hunger and pain, can fully enter the consciousness and be processed there, depending on the development stage of the child (an infant will experience hunger differently than a toddler) producing a relevant response (for example crying, or for a toddler, asking for food).

You can picture this undivided consciousness as a circle where all stimuli can freely enter and, after processing, a relevant response can exit without obstruction. It’s a flowing ensemble.

Figure 1.1. Undivided consciousness: the flow

Life-threatening events: quite soon, life-threatening events start to happen. Firstly, events are life-threatening when they can literally cause our death such as a lack of food or severe physical abuse¹⁴.

However, events that are not life-threatening in themselves, but would be if a child fully realizes the meaning behind the event, are life-threatening as well.

To be specific, a child not only has physical needs (food, clothes, shelter) but also emotional needs in order to survive. Warmth, love, support, respect, security, loving touch and care are essential for a child¹⁵.

The vital importance of these emotional needs cannot be overstated. Unfortunately, in our society this vital importance is largely unknown. For example, in Russia and Romania, children in orphanages, whose physical needs are taken care off but whose emotional needs are neglected due to staff shortage, all die, without exception, of what is called ‘marasmus’ or ‘wasting away’ in the first year of their lives. During World War II, the Nazis conducted horrible experiments where babies would only be fed and washed but otherwise would be deprived of any physical contact whatsoever. Without exception, all the children would die after a few months.

In most cases, life-threatening events occur early in a child’s life and enter the consciousness. In the circle diagram representing the consciousness, these life-threatening events are depicted as follows:

Figure 1.2. Life-threatening events occur and enter the consciousness.

The divided consciousness: In order to survive, the consciousness divides itself (repression of the pain and its cause).

Facing the truth of not getting what he needs would be a devastating psychological blow for a child. For a child, realizing that his parents cannot fulfill his needs is unbearable, that is to say un-process able (which means that the brain is incapable of processing the experience as opposed to non-threatening input that is processed and stored), because he cannot extract himself from the situation and go search for a better life elsewhere; a child cannot provide for himself and make sure he gets what he needs. A child is completely dependent on his parents. Neither can a child change his parents and make sure his needs are met. And finally a young child lacks a sense of time: he is unable to realize the temporariness of the situation. A child feels like the present situation will last forever.

In order to survive, children are born with a mechanism able to divide the consciousness. This division or separation of the consciousness often occurs at a very young age, probably the moment when this vulnerable creature is exposed to an experience that floods the child with a level of stress hormones threatening the developing and highly vulnerable brain (as a terror overpowering this tender creature). In babies on a fixed feeding schedule for example, who spend long moments crying without any attention (an experience leading to the production of high levels of stress hormones), this division seems to occur during the first days or weeks. A traumatic birth or a mother’s negative attitude towards her unborn child can cause an even earlier division in the consciousness (see footnote 3).

An increasing amount of research supports these principles of the influence of stress hormones on young children (see Verny 2002 and Ladd. Et al. 1996 and 2000). Clinical data stemming from numerous client regressions show the same thing. During regression clients feel a nearly unbearable pain, when they let the truth in of not getting what they were crying out loud for as a child, from the deepest of their being (for example being held, fed or loved). These experiences are often followed by a feeling of emotional death, where the consciousness cuts itself off of the painful truth; the poignant pain of the truth disappears behind some kind of anaesthetized state as it were. Time after time it has been demonstrated how common this experience is and how these kind of stressful experiences have a deep impact on a child’s early life, when he is still so totally vulnerable, sensitive and dependent.

As a result of the division of the consciousness, the life-threatening truth can be repressed¹⁶. It is as if we swipe the truth under the carpet and act as if it does not exist.

You could compare the division of our consciousness to our physical defense system. Just like our physical immune system protects us against pathogenic intruders from the outside, it is as if we also have a psychological defense system that protects us from emotionally pathogenic intruders in our consciousness. Just like the bacteria or virus gets encapsulated and gets removed by white blood cells, our psychological pathogenic intruders get encapsulated in an especially reserved section.

Unfortunately, this psychological intruder cannot be removed. This is because we cannot change the situation where we are completely dependent on our parents who don’t (are unable to) give us what we need. We cannot escape the situation either.

The consciousness divides into two parts: one part where we store the life-threatening truth that we do not get what we need to survive as well as the resulting pain, the pain that is too threatening for a child to be felt. And one part without any of the painful truths, making it seem as if there is nothing wrong or in any case nothing really badly wrong. It is due to this part of a child’s consciousness that children, even in the most horrible circumstances (loss of parents, severe abuse, sexual abuse, severe emotional neglect or mistreatment) can still play and laugh and act as if it is not so bad and actually keep believing that themselves– often their whole lives.

The adult, who is misled by this part of the child’s consciousness, taking it at face value – problem-free – and not realizing that there is another part where the pain has been stored, will come to the false and dangerous conclusion that children cannot easily be hurt and that they are highly resilient.

The division of our consciousness into a burdened and unburdened part can be represented in a circle diagram:

Figure 1.3. Division of consciousness

Creation of the defense: a wall of defense is built in order to safeguard the repression of the life-threatening truth.

Because it is literally vital that the life-threatening truth, i.e. that our basic needs will not be fulfilled, stays repressed, another mechanism besides the division of consciousness comes into play: denial. To safeguard the repression – after all, our survival is at stake -, we use the principle of denial. This process can start the moment the little child develops the first profound cognitions about himself and the world, starting with the realization that he is a separate being, small and vulnerable in the world and that because he is a separate being, he can be abandoned by his parents. Usually children start to realize this from around eighteen months old onwards.

The process of repression and denial can be compared to firstly sweeping the truth under the carpet – the division of consciousness represses the pain of the truth, which means it is being kept outside of our consciousness – and then denying that something is under the carpet or that there even is a carpet. If we take this comparison further, a big bump underneath the carpet would stand out too much. So it is vital to lead ourselves, and the outside world, to believe there is no bump and preferably that there is no carpet either. We are, as it were, under the spell of an illusion.

Defense mechanisms consist of denial of the truth. There are different ways in which we can deny the truth, different illusions. We use these illusions we so firmly believe in, to build a wall of denial around the separated part of our consciousness. The capability of dividing the consciousness and building this wall of denial is of the utmost importance for children, as long as they are dependent on their parents for care or their emotional and financial needs¹⁷. Fortunately, most children are born with a strong ability to repress (division of consciousness, insensitivity to pain) and deny (wall of denial, not knowing the truth and creation of a new truth), in short a healthy psychological immune system.

Figure 1.4. Wall of denial

Destruction caused by the defense: Once we are adults, the division and the defense become destructive.

For a child, division and defense, in other words, repression and denial, are life-saving. The same mechanisms are destructive and ultimately life-threatening for adults. After all, adults are not dependent on other people anymore for the fulfillment of their needs and as such, don’t need to repress and deny the truth that other people cannot fulfill their needs.

For a large part, defenses are responsible for the suffering of people, families and big groups. In later Chapters it will become clearer just how widespread and destructive these defense mechanisms are.

The part of the consciousness where the repressed truth and the related pain and needs are stored, is called the Childhood Consciousness¹⁸ (CC). When, as adults, we are in this Childhood Consciousness, it seems as if time has stood still and we experience everything exactly as it used to be, from the perspective of the child we were:

- there is no choice; you just have to do something; other people decide for you what needs to be done;

- needs are urgent; they need to be fulfilled immediately; you cannot wait until later;

- the other people seems bigger, more powerful; you feel dependent and powerless;

- there is inequality;

- everything lasts forever: it will never get better, it will stay this way forever;

- the world is small: nobody cares about me, everybody has a great life except for me.

The other part of the consciousness develops into what we call the Adult Consciousness (AC). This part has been able to develop over the course of time, whereas the Childhood Consciousness has stayed as it was. From an Adult Consciousness perspective, we are able to experience the present for what it really is:

- I always have a choice;

- I decide what to do, think, feel, want;

- My needs are most of the time not urgent¹⁹;

- I am independent; I can fulfill my own basic needs;

- Everything changes; nothing is forever, everything has an end;

- The world is big, full of all kinds of people and opportunities.

The following summary shows how certain ideas emerged based on a young child’s experience. It shows the difference between the authentic world of a child, characterized by dependence, and an adult’s perspective, characterized by independence, at least if the adult is perceiving from his Adult Consciousness. The summary comes from the book Reclaiming your life by Jean Jenson.

Characteristics of childhood

Characteristics of adulthood

The world is small (family)

The world is full of people.

(Thinking in terms of ‘everybody’ and ‘nobody’:)

- If your family doesn’t want you, ‘nobody’ wants you.

- If your family thinks you’re not good enough, ‘everybody’ will think you’re not good enough.

- If somebody doesn’t want you, someone else will.

- Somebody might think you’re not good enough, but that is only one person’s opinion.

You will die if they don’t care about you.

You don’t need ‘them’ to give you anything.

(Thinking in terms of ‘I will die if’:)

- Life depends on what they think of you.

- With the exception of my employer, it doesn’t matter what ‘they’ think about you.

Your childhood will never end (distorted sense of time).

Nothing lasts forever.

(Thinking in terms of ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘forever’:)

If your family doesn’t want you, not only ‘nobody’ wants you, but nobody ‘ever’ will want you. If your family criticizes you, not only ‘everybody’ rejects what you do, but it will ‘always’ be this way.

- Time changes everything. Really everything.

Needs are basic and urgent.

You fulfill your own basic needs.

Characteristics of childhood

Characteristics of adulthood

(Obsessively thinking that ‘somebody has to do something’.)

You are dependent on others for food, physical warmth and love.

You can take care of your own food, physical affection, shelter and transport, and if something is not available, you can do without.

Any delay in the fulfillment of needs causes danger, feelings of fear and panic (no perspective).

Urgency is rarely needed nor appropriate.

Helplessness/powerlessness.

You have the power.

(Thinking in terms of ‘I can’t do anything’, ‘I have no choice’.)

You can make your own choices.

Other people have power over me:

- Physically (your freedom of movement, your ability for discovery).

- Mentally (what you think).

- Emotionally (what you feel).

You have the right:

- To do what you want with your body.

- To make choices.

- To think what you want.

- To feel your own feelings.

Other people decide the choices you have.

Circumstances can limit choices, but circumstances change.

- The nature of your surroundings (safe, loving, hostile, punitive, chaotic, organized, etc.).

You create your own surrounding (you choose a place, the people, the atmosphere).

Symbols: The division of our consciousness makes us vulnerable to symbols.

A symbol is something that reminds us of the old repressed reality, without us even being aware – unconscious – of it. A symbol can be a person or an event, but also an object, a song, a movie, etc. In fact, everything we perceive – consciously or unconsciously - can be a symbol.

The fact that something can remind us unconsciously of something that has happened in the past, has to do with the way our brain functions. In short, there is some kind of scanner switched on while we, unwittingly, go about living our lives. That scanner is connected to the amygdala, a part of the brain that plays an important role in the creation of emotionally charged memories, and it continually scans without us being aware of it. Up until the moment the scanner thinks it is perceiving something that has a close resemblance, however small, to one of our emotionally charged memories. At that point, in a flash, a signal is relayed, via the thalamus to the amygdala, which subsequently sounds the alarm²⁰, long before the ‘higher brain’ (the neocortex) has had a chance to get involved and to determine, after a thorough rational investigation – at which the neocortex excels - if there is actually a threatening situation.

The speed with which the alarm system is set off is meant to protect your life. Imagine you see a car coming at you at full speed. In that situation, direct action, even before you realize what happens, is vital. Before you consciously have realized how dangerous the situation is and know the wisest thing to do, an unconsciously controlled reflex already has made you jump to the side ten times. And that is a good thing, because if we would have waited for that to happen, we would have been run over before we would have been able to determine the right course of action, let alone taking action.

So the system operates as a result of an instant reaction to imminent danger. That is its strength, but also its weakness. Some situations that are not life-threatening (anymore), are categorized as such, provoking all kinds of incongruous reactions due to the alarm system. This is the process triggered by encountering a symbol.

The impact of symbols: Symbols make us lose contact with our Adult Consciousness and enter the Childhood Consciousness and the defense.

Without us realizing it, a symbol brings us back to our Childhood Consciousness. We start perceiving the present the way the child we were would have, if we wouldn’t have had repressed the truth: all of a sudden we can be overtaken by a feeling of being at the mercy of other people’s arbitrariness, not having a choice, being alone and unhappy forever, etc. Without us realizing it, the symbolic situation has touched upon the old pain we have repressed, and it comes to the surface.

Because our psychological immune system assumes – wrongly – that feeling the old pain and allowing the (old) truth is life-threatening (after all, the alarm system is ringing), the defense is activated immediately.

In some cases, this process is so quick that we don’t even realize that old pain has been touched upon and that we merely perceive the activation of one of the defense mechanisms (at least, if we possess that knowledge). This whole process takes place unconsciously, without us being able to control it in any way. It is associated with physical reactions (from mild stress to extreme panic or apathy auto) that we cannot control.

Figure 1.5. The process set in motion by a symbol: from Adult Consciousness (AC) to Childhood Consciousness (CC) to Wall of Denial.

Under the spell of illusions: when our defense has been activated, we believe in an illusion. Defense is based upon denying the truth. This means that unconsciously, so without us knowing, we create another ‘truth’. Thanks to this illusion we can keep the repressed old needs (what we needed as a child), the old reality (our needs were unfulfilled) and the old pain caused by allowing this truth, out of our consciousness. Keeping it out of our consciousness feels like a matter of life or death.

The illusion which helps us keep out the pain, is so effective because it consumes our attention, so much so that we start to closely identify with the defense and think: ‘yes, that is the way I am, this is my personality.’ The wall of denial consists of five defenses, distributed over three layers. Illusions, taking up so much of our attention that we start to believe in them: fear, primary defense, false hope, false power and denial of needs.

As a child we develop the lower layer of the wall of denial, where primary defense is situated, first. Beneath that layer however there is a kind of barbed wire – the illusion of fear.

Fear

Fear is essentially physiological, as opposed to the four other defense mechanisms. It is probably the only mechanism occurring in infants to repress the truth during highly stressful events. Indeed, fear does not require complex cognitive constructions, impossible to do for an infant.

We feel fear very clearly in our bodies as an urge to safe ourselves by fleeing from the situation we find ourselves in in that moment. Fear operates as an illusion, and as such, as a defense, in those moments where it is not real, meaning those moments where there is no real danger but we still feel scared. At that moment, fear makes us believe we can and must escape. Indeed, fear always carries a little bit of hope. As long as we are afraid, we explicitly have hope we can escape the threat. We don’t perceive the situation as hopeless, it is not over yet. Consequently, we still have hope we can escape, feeding our fear. This hope, however, is false when it concerns the pain of the old truth. After all, the pain of not getting what we needed – no matter the circumstances – has been caused already. It is not something we can or must escape, because it has already happened. By being afraid, however, we maintain the illusion and keep ourselves unconsciously from allowing the truth. ‘I am terrified of public speaking and therefore I always avoid it’ or ‘I am afraid to sleep in the dark’ or ‘it is not safe to show myself’ or ‘I cannot deal with my boss’s criticism, it makes me anxious’.

Primary defense (PD)

I called this the primary defense because it is the first cognitive defense²¹ we develop as a child, the first thing a child does to not face the truth. The essence of the illusion in which we are caught up in primary defense, is the idea that we are not getting what we want because there is something wrong with us. Primary defense consists of three clusters of thoughts, which can be represented in short as follows:

- ‘I am bad’;

- ‘Everything is my fault’;

- ‘I can’t do it’.

Many variations are possible within each cluster. The cluster ‘I am bad’ in particular has numerous variations: ‘I am too fat’, ‘I am unkind’, ‘I am worthless’, ‘I am unreliable’, etc. Feelings of shame belong to this cluster. Thoughts belonging to this cluster protect against the pain from these kind of reproaches that parents expressed directly or indirectly to the child.

Passive, hopeless depression is typical for the cluster of ‘everything is my fault’: ‘it’s my fault and there’s nothing I can do about it, I can only throw in the towel.’ Thoughts belonging to this cluster protect from the pain caused by the fact that the child often has been blamed directly or indirectly.

The cluster of ‘I can’t’ is more routinely than the other primary defense clusters confused with old pain, whereas feelings like ‘I can’t do it, it’s too much for me, it will never work out’ only protect us from feeling the old truth hidden beneath it: oftentimes that there was no help available and that we were abandoned in situations we could not cope with. Therefore, we did not get what we needed emotionally.

Primary defense is a painful defense. It may do a very good job at protecting against old pain – if I am bad, then at least I will not perceive that my surroundings don’t give or gave me what I need or needed – but at the same time it hurts us badly. It is awful to believe that you are bad, worthless and guilty or cannot deal with things.

In order to protect from this effective but also painful primary defense, children develop a second defense layer, which acts as a kind of buffer against the pain caused by primary defense. Within this layer you will find two different defenses, false hope and false power, both of which can cause pleasant feelings. Unfortunately, only temporarily.

False hope (FH)

The essence of the illusion of false hope tells us we can get what we want if only we would try harder, be nicer, be slimmer, be more attractive, have more money, live in Tuscany, have an academic title, make sure other people are happy and don’t fight, etc.

The list is almost endless, everybody can come up in a flash with dozens of variations on the theme ‘if I do my very best to…then I will get what I ‘need’’.

Unfortunately, it is an illusion that we can fill the hole caused in the past, because we could not get what we needed so badly at the time, with anything from the present. Even if we have ten times all our heart’s desires, we still would not be able to fill up the hole of our old pain.

Moreover – something that is all too readily forgotten – a child’s basic needs differ from an adult’s basic needs. An adult has only a few basic needs: food, shelter and some money, whereas a child is also dependent on the fulfillment of his emotional needs. A child that has to go without a loving touch, will indeed die quickly, an adult can survive, however unpleasant – and unhealthy – a life without love and touch can be for the most of us.

However, the moment we are in our Childhood Consciousness, or in the false hope defense, we feel the old need so powerfully that we are convinced that it concerns an adult need in the present. In other words, something we absolutely cannot go without. But the truth is that we not only cannot fulfill old childhood needs ever again in the present, we do not need to!

False Power (FP)

False power acts as a buffer against the painful primary defense, just like false hope. The essence of the illusion created by the false power defense is, just like false hope, that we can get what we want, if only the other person would change. The characteristic of false power is a judgmental and superior attitude towards other people. The other one is at fault, guilty, bad, stupid, irritating, unkind, etc.

The illusion here is that I am always right, so I am invulnerable, but ‘I am looking far down from my horse on the little, incompetent people’. ‘The world is crazy, I am not’. This defense manifests itself on a scale from irritation, increasing to anger to even murderous rage. ‘It’s about time those politician crooks are exposed, say what you think, do as you say’ or ‘oh well what can you expect from such a schmuck’ or ‘if you don’t shut up, I will shut you up’.

Like false hope, false power creates the illusion that the hole left by not getting what we needed as a child, could be filled with something in the present. This is impossible. No matter how much your partner tries to change into what you like, it will never be enough as long as you are annoyed when in a false power defense. Furthermore, as an adult, we no longer need the things we needed as a child. The bad news is that we cannot fill the hole, the good news is that we do not have to.

Denial of Needs (DoN)²²

On top of the second layer of defense is a third layer. This third and last layer contains the denial of needs defense.

The essence of the illusion that this defense has us believe, is that it is okay to not get what we need, because…we do not need anything, we are not vulnerable, not in need.

The characteristic of this defense is the absence of strong feelings and the avoidance of all things that could cause such strong feelings:

- ‘It’s quite alright.’

- ‘I have no problem with the divorce.’

- ‘No, I don’t mind all the hustle and bustle.’

- ‘No, I’m okay, I’ll be fine.’

In short: ‘I have no needs’. On the surface, this defense can have a strong resemblance to the Adult Consciousness, but can be revealed in closer look by the absence of lust for life, passion, deep feelings and intimacy.

This defense will be the last to develop in a child. If false hope does not resolve anything, if false power is not tolerated then there is always a way out in not feeling, not needing. Our western society highly values this defense and it is omnipresent. Typically, we put on a brave face for others, saying we are okay and we manage, no matter how insecure or in need of help we are. We hold our tears during funerals. And when confronted to other people’s suffering we say ‘Come on, every cloud has a silver lining’ or ‘Just let it go and accept it’.

Switching defenses

We go back and forth between the five different defenses. When one mechanism collapses, for example when my anger does not produce the desired result, then I can switch to another illusion by feeling really guilty about my unkind behavior (PD). Instead of dealing with it in a mature way and apologize and see if I can repair the damage. Or I can try to please the other in the false hope that if only I am kind enough, I can avoid being left alone. If that does not work, I can convince myself that I don’t care (DoN), only to become gripped by fear of being abandoned by the other one, and to become really angry (FP): ’Who does she think she is, that she can just put me in a corner?’ Etc.

It is as if we move in circles between one defense and the other and back again. All this to avoid having to feel old needs and old pain caused by allowing the old truth.

The objective of PRI

The objective of PRI is to be able to experience the present for what it really is, without being a prisoner of the illusions that keep misleading and confusing us and that cause emotional (and often physical) suffering. We can accomplish that by constantly improving our contact with our Adult Consciousness. It means that you will spend an ever-growing part of the time in your Adult Consciousness (see Chapter 10) because you will be struck by symbols less and less intensely. The present will be increasingly un-burdened, increasingly enjoyable, increasingly a source of endless possibilities.

This can be achieved by being dedicated to working towards an undivided consciousness. Undivided means: no defense, no division and a full integration in the Adult Consciousness of all that had been repressed in the Childhood Consciousness.

Figure 1.6 Undivided consciousness

The characteristic of an undivided consciousness is not the absence of old pain. It is still there, albeit in another quality than in the divided consciousness. In the former case the pain is like a scar, in the latter it is like an open wound. No matter how far along we are in the healing process, it is always possible to touch the old pain behind the ‘scars’ and to feel it intensely, no matter how many times before we have done this. So an undivided consciousness is in essence more about defenses than old pain. In contrast to old pain, the wall of denial will be absent in the picture of the undivided consciousness. Once we have felt the old pain, and we no longer deny the old reality and have felt how big our old unfulfilled needs are, then we are able to systematically dismantle our defense. The old needs, old reality and old pain have become accessible, conscious and have found a place in our Adult Consciousness. So we do not need a defense against them anymore. In this way, by remaining vigilant regarding activated defenses on a daily basis, we will recognize and dismantle our defenses increasingly effectively, until the defense will be activated less and less often, and will have an ever-shorter grip on us. Then we protect ourselves less and less against the past (the old pain) in the present (through a defense). This is the process that leads to the integration of the past in the present, in other words, Past Reality Integration.

This integration process changes the repressed contents of the Childhood Consciousness from something that feels life-threatening and has to be avoided at all costs, into what it really is: something that happened a long time ago, something extremely painful for the child we were, but something that is truly over and cannot hurt us anymore. In short, a harmless memory instead of an open wound²³.

Reaching the stage of this undivided consciousness, where there are no symbols anymore, where our defense has been completely dismantled and old pain has been integrated as a harmless memory into the archive of the Adult Consciousness, is not a short-term objective, if such is even feasible in a lifetime.

On the road towards this objective though, it will become increasingly clear what fully being in the Adult Consciousness is– to many, a unique and new experience – and it will happen increasingly longer and more often. But what does this road look like?

The PRI-method as a way of life

PRI has a clear structure, divided into four phases, serving as a practical guideline when applying PRI.

Figure 1.7 Four phases of PRI

Phase 1. Self-observation (cognition)

Meticulous self-observation is the foundation of PRI and never ends. You will never stop self-observing. In that sense PRI is not so much a temporary method, as it is a way of life. By observing ourselves closely we take the first step in the PRI-process: learning to recognize our defenses. Then the challenge is to discover what happened that activated the defense: this will help to understand which symbol we encountered. ‘I notice that all of a sudden I’m trying my best to put my friend in a good mood’ (FH).’I realize now that he had sent me a distant email just before’ (symbol). The better we get at this the quicker it will become clear which symbol has activated our defense.

By understanding the PRI-theory and observing our thoughts, feelings and behavior, we will become better at telling the difference between the Adult Consciousness and the Childhood Consciousness, between the illusions and the defenses and we will know whether feelings spring from the here and now or whether they spring from the past.

The ultimate objective of phase 1 is to develop an inner observer that observes our actions more or less automatically and continuously and will give us a signal when a defense is activated. Only then can we apply the next phases. Without effective self-observation through which we will install a permanently alert inner observer, PRI is impossible.

Phase 2. Defense Reversal (behavior)

After we have developed a certain skill in observing ourselves and are able to recognize our defenses, we can start reversing our defenses every time they are activated. ’In the example above, I stop – at least for the moment – being extra nice to my friend, and concentrate on the distant email so that I enable myself to get in touch with the feeling it evokes.’

Nota bene: reversal refers to reversing the cycle of: Adult Consciousness – symbol – Childhood Consciousness – defense. It means that we move back toward the Childhood Consciousness and the old pain by exiting the illusion perpetuated by the defense. It is not always about reversing the behavior.

This phase will continue as long as necessary. This means: as long as we activate defenses, it will be necessary to reverse them. Again, it is more accurate to speak of a way of life than a temporary medicine.

This PRI-phase entails a very active engagement with our behavior. In some situations, this might lead to applying so-called exposure. This means that we deliberately expose ourselves to that which we would most like to avoid, in order to gain access to the feelings that are hidden behind our avoidance (for example I still go to the meeting although I am so afraid that they will ignore me). In other cases, it means simply doing nothing, sitting down and feeling (instead of screaming back at my wife I say nothing, I let her rage on and I feel what her criticism and aggressive attitude evoke), exposing myself to unpleasant feelings of powerlessness.

The structural reversal of our defenses is the most important PRI-instrument over time. Only then are we able to permanently undo the illusion that our defenses hold up again and again.

Phase 3 Regression (feelings)

After the cognitive and the behavioral work in phase 1 and 2, feeling the old pain receives specific attention through the use of regression.

The ultimate goal of regressions is to help us reverse our defenses. Regression is an often overrated PRI-tool. They are very important, but not more important – rather less important – than self-observation and defense reversal.

Phase 3a. Regression with the help of a therapist serves primarily as a way to learn to apply regression independently, not as a means to access old pain. This phase ends when you know how to do a regression by yourself. Some people will need a lot of time to master this skill, others might be able to do a regression independently with hardly any or even no help at all.

Phase 3b. Applying the tool of regression independently is important in order to be able to uncover, without the help of a therapist, the old pain linked to the old reality and the old need (at the root of the old pain) whenever it occurs in our life.