HEAT

Lis Lucassen

HEAT

www.stormpublishers.com

© 2015 Lis Lucassen

Cover image: Depositphotos.com | Igor Borodin
Cover design: Jen Minkman

Book design and typesetting: Natasja Storm

All publishing rights belong to Storm Publishers.

Original language: Dutch

English translation by Jen Minkman

ISBN 978 94 92098 10 8

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), withour the prior written permission of the publisher.

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not be resold, lent, hired out or otherwise circulated without the express prior consent of the publisher.

Don’t say a word

just come over and lie here with me

‘cause I’m just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad I’ll go back on the things I believe

There I just said it

I’m scared you’ll forget about me

John Mayer

Edge of Desire

1

Dan

The heat overpowered him. In his memory, it had never been this sickeningly hot. The fabric of his shirt stuck to his back and Dan fought the impulse to roll up his sleeves. Or to pull the shirt over his head and get rid of it. Not an option.

The skin on his right shoulder felt itchy. If this damn bus trip was going to take much longer, he swore he was going to pull the handbrake, stop the bus himself, and get off this vehicle. Getting off in the middle of nowhere had to be a thousand times better than sitting in this sweat lodge on wheels for one second longer.

“Is the AC dead? You been messing with it again, huh?” Dan reached out to adjust the controls above his seat, only causing the vent hole to cough up a sputtering wave of lukewarm air.

His little brother sitting next to him looked sideways. “I didn’t touch anything. You were the one fussing with it.” He extended his hand to adjust the air vent above his own head. “Mine isn’t working either.” He shrugged. “Well, we can’t be far off. Are we there yet?”

Dan groaned at the expression. If Jason went all Donkey-in-Shrek-movie on him, he’d personally grab the wheel and pull the bus over himself.

“Dan, stop that.”

He looked aside, straight into his mother’s disapproving eyes.

“What?” he snapped.

She pointed to his left hand. He was rubbing it up and down his right arm.

“Jesus, Mom,” he exploded. She literally had no idea what he was feeling like right now, crammed into this bus with all the others like sardines in a can. Hell probably had more circulating fresh air than this coffin on wheels.

“Please, Daniel.” The exhaustion in her voice was evident in the way she used his full name. It was visible in the lines on her face, in the way her green eyes darted from him to the world around her, but always coming back to him in the end.

“What? You think I could hit an artery with my fingernails?”

His words had the desired effect. She turned her head away. He should count himself lucky Dad hadn’t heard him. From the looks of it, his father was fast asleep, his head resting against the bus window and his ears oblivious to the continuous twang of the music that the bus driver had picked to play over the sound system.

The bus made a sharp turn and he could only barely stop himself from shifting sideways against Jason. Dan cast a look outside and saw they’d entered the circular driveway of the hotel. The driver hit the brakes abruptly and Jason slammed into the seat in front of him, still clutching his tablet.

“We’re here,” Dan remarked dryly.

“You don’t say,” Jason grinned.

The driver was blessed with the most monstrously big mustache that Dan had ever seen. The thing seemed to have a life of its own and it was the first thing he’d noticed when the man had been there to pick them up from the airport. Jason seemed to nurture the same fascination with the man’s hairy mass. Dan mockingly put one finger under his nose, imitating a certain German World War Two leader with a similar mustache. Jason responded in like, pressing two fingers against his upper lip and saluting his brother with the tablet against his temple.

“Knock it off! You’re both behaving like three-year-olds,” their mother hissed in dismay.

Dan dropped his arm and put his hands in his pockets. He quickly followed Jason to the hotel lobby, where he dutifully lined up next to his younger brother to listen to a male hotel employee welcoming them with a fake smile plastered on his face. The guy bore a striking resemblance to a Ken doll. The way he was standing just a bit too close to the girl accompanying him made Dan suspect this life-size Ken had a lot more going on between his legs than Barbie’s plastic, male companion, though.

The girl shot him a look, a frown burrowing between her eyebrows when her eyes traveled down his long sleeves. Her blue irises were clearly asking him something. He averted his gaze, because the familiar sense of embarrassment made him feel even hotter than he already was.

Lynn. He heard her when she said her name. She had a beautiful voice, an edge of vulnerability coloring her words as she wished the guests, him included, a pleasant stay.

Dan sighed and walked over to get his backpack, which the driver had put in the lobby together with the other suitcases. The sooner he could get to his hotel room, the faster he could rinse off the sweat and his mounting irritation under a nice, cold shower.

2

Lynn

The sun reflected off the smooth surface of the swimming pool water in sparkling diamonds. Lynn savored the peace and quiet. It was just after six in the morning and the deck bordering on the pool was deserted. Soon, the breakfast room would be open and guests would pour in to eat their fill before spreading out their towels on the deck chairs. So they could lounge around in the sun all day, enjoying their vacation – unhurried and free.

Lynn finished her tea and absently touched the logo stitched to her blue polo shirt. ‘Animation Team’. It was now her fourth week in the Tropical Beach Hotel, which was situated not far away from the actual beach. Two more weeks to go and she’d be home again. She didn’t want to think about her return to Holland just yet. About her freshman year at the teacher training college. About Esmee, who wouldn’t sit next to her during lectures. Her thoughts were about to drift to these things, so she forced herself to focus on the blue water in front of her once more. Not as blue as the sea, but calm enough to suppress her emerging restlessness.

“You ready?” Steve plunked down next to her on the other end of the deck chair. His blond hair stood up on all ends around his face, and she could see dark rings under his blue eyes.

“You pulled an all-nighter?”

Steve chuckled, then straightened his handsome face and shrugged. “Night isn’t over yet, is it? What time is it, anyway?” He didn’t wait for her to glance at her watch, but lifted her wrist and checked the time on her watch himself. “God, that early? Still night, more or less.” He stretched his legs and slumped down in the chair, crossing his arms in front of his chest. His eyes observed her from under his long lashes. “I sure hope Emmanuel will take his time driving here. I might be able to grab ten minutes of sleep if I’m lucky.”

Unfortunately for Steve, Emmanuel turned out to have taken no time at all. No sooner had he closed his eyes than they heard the honking of the bus. Stifling a groan, he sat up, took Lynn’s hand, and pulled her up from the seat. A bit too forcefully, because she tripped and stumbled against him. Steve laughed and looped his arms around her. “Wow, if I’d known how good this feels, I wouldn’t have gone to the trouble of scoring some random girl last night.”

Lynn tapped his shoulder and twisted out of his embrace. She felt her face turn red, and it had nothing to do with the early morning sun burning down on her. She racked her brain for a suitable response, some way to rebut him, but nothing came to mind – as usual. Steve had disappeared into the lobby before she could say anything.

Steve was hot – there was no denying it. The problem was that Steve was only too aware of that, and he used it to his advantage on every occasion. His single room in the hotel was never just occupied by him. Girls flocked to him thanks to his charming and witty demeanor, but Lynn thought he was also arrogant and too easy – in more ways than one. Back home she wouldn’t have come within a ten-mile radius of him. Guys like that always made her feel majorly awkward. But it was hard keeping ten miles between her and her colleague on a tiny, sunny island like this one. And besides, she’d made up her mind to change. To be a different person, especially now that she was about to go to college in an unfamiliar city all by herself. The old Lynn wouldn’t survive there.

“Good morning, everybody!” Steve spread out his arms in a mock-embrace, almost hitting Emmanuel in the face as the driver dragged the last suitcase into the lobby to put it with the other baggage. Lynn suppressed a smile when she saw his bald head and big mustache. He nodded at her, then quickly counted the number of suitcases before he waved briefly at the vacationers and rushed out the door. Probably headed for the airport, Lynn thought, to pick up a new batch of travelers and drop them off to a different hotel.

“Welcome to Tropical Beach! My name is Steve Bennett and next to me is Lynn Stevens, and we’re here to welcome you to this hotel! You can collect your all-inclusive wristbands and keycards from the reception desk, and your baggage will be brought to your rooms by Pepito, our porter.” Steve drew a breath and Lynn took in the new guests. A couple that looked to be about her age, an elderly man and woman, and a family of four. Mom, dad, a boy of about thirteen, and…

Lynn had to tip her head back, because the guy was tall. Easily a head taller than she was, and even taller than Steve. He was wearing baggy pants reaching down to just below his knees, and a black long-sleeved shirt. Two brown eyes shone underneath the bill of his cap. He briefly looked her in the eyes, then turned away.

“Right, Lynn?”

Lynn snapped back to reality and gave Steve a look, her silence lasting just a bit too long. Crap. She’d missed half of his welcoming speech. What did he usually say? Welcome, keys and wristbands at reception, animation program, day trips, hostess will be here tonight… right. She forced a smile onto her face. “Like Steve said, please enjoy the lovely weather and the beautiful surroundings. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask – we’re not just here to entertain the kids. We wish you all a pleasant stay!”

The tall guy was the first to break away from the group, pulling a red backpack from the pile to sling it across his shoulder. Without waiting for his parents or little brother, he quickly stalked away, out of sight.

3

Dan

Dan had spent most of the night listening to Jason slowly breathing in and out next to him. The bed felt uncomfortable. First the mattress seemed too hard, then he kept hitting a dent in the surface. The sheets tangled around his legs but when he kicked them off the bed, he regretted it five minutes later due to the AC humming and turning the thin layer of sweat to ice on his skin.

Eventually, he managed to fall asleep. Finally. And now his dad was on the other side of the door trying to wake them by pounding on the door as though the world was about to end.

“You want to hit the shower first?” Jason had already flung his legs over the edge of the bed and looked back over his shoulder.

“Nah.”

“You had a bad night?”

Dan shrugged in response.

“Did the – were you bothered by your…”

“You are bothering me,” he interrupted his brother.

Jason’s posture changed. His back tensed up and he turned his face away. Like Dan’s words had physically hurt him.

Dan sat up, moving backward until his back rested against the headrest of the bed. He wanted to apologize, but Jason was already gone, slamming the bathroom door shut. Sighing, he slumped back down a bit.

His parents were convinced this was a brilliant idea. This vacation. Possibly the last time they’d ever go on vacation as a family. After all, he was supposed to graduate this coming school year and he could be anywhere one summer from now. Their artificially bright voices as they’d announced the news – they’d been so shrill that their superlatives had hurt his ears.

When he’d told them that he wasn’t going, that he didn’t want to go, they didn’t listen. They’d just ignored his objections by rambling on about the hotel they’d already booked, about all the familiar places they could visit again on the island, about Hernando and how it was high time they saw him again.

It was only when he’d hit the wall with his fist, staining the white plaster with his blood, that they’d really looked at him, the expressions on their faces that particular mixture of tiredness, disappointment, and despair that he had come to know so well.

And yet, they still hadn’t wanted to listen. Leaving him back home all by himself wasn’t an option, his dad said. His mother fled to the storage room and closed the door. It was her refuge, the place where she hoarded all the things that reminded her of her oldest son. The son that he had once been, before a stranger filled with hate and fury had taken over his damaged body instead.

She kept the keys to the storage room in her wallet, because she knew he’d take all her stuff away if he got the chance. All the useless trumpery. The prizes he’d won. His uniform. The photos and newspaper clippings. What Dan wanted most of all was to dump it all in the trash. His mom was desperately holding on to the past. Why couldn’t she get it through her head that the boy she once knew was never coming back?

“Dan! Jason! Please don’t be late for breakfast. I’m not going to wait for you here in the corridor.” His dad knocked on the door once more, probably to emphasize his request.

With a labored sigh, Dan turned on his side and closed his eyes. Sometimes, he longed for the endless silence he’d felt. The never-ending darkness surrounding him, right until he’d opened his eyes in that hospital room and his misery had suddenly increased tenfold.

“Hey, stinky. Your turn.” Jason flopped down next to him on the bed. He dug up his tablet from under his pillow and plugged in his earphones.

Sighing again, Dan got up and dragged himself to the bathroom. Avoiding the mirror with his eyes, he pulled his sleeping shirt over his head and took off his boxers. Quickly, he stepped into the shower cabin and turned on the tap. Water cascaded down.

He washed his hair with shampoo from a small bottle on a glass shelf in the cabin. It smelled of jasmine and peppermint. Holding his head under the shower spray, he slowly breathed in through his nostrils and out through his mouth, as the water beat down on his body.

Blue eyes. Looking at him with revulsion.

They weren’t the blue eyes that had observed him yesterday. That girl – Lynn had been her name – kind of looked like Ella, but not quite. Ella knew she was attractive, and she made sure she showed off her slim, curvy body by moving with confident grace. Lynn, on the other hand, was hiding somehow. He couldn’t find a better word to describe it, but he’d instantly recognized it in her.

He wondered what it was that she was hiding. And he didn’t just mean underneath that polo shirt. Before, he’d have seen it as a challenge to peel away her layer of insecurity and see how far he could take things with her. How far she’d be willing to go for him.

Water seeped into his mouth when he rested his head backward against the wall, his face exposed to the waterfall. Just before the lack of oxygen made him too dizzy, he moved back and drew a breath. The air burned his lungs.

Dan turned off the water and got out of the cabin. Fresh towels were on the rack, fluffy and white. He quickly dried off. Then cursed. He’d forgotten to bring clean clothes with him to get dressed in the bathroom.

“Jase?” He put his hand on the door. “Jason!”

His brother didn’t react – probably deaf to the world around him with his earphones plugged in.

“Jase! Goddammit!” Dan pummeled the door with one fist, but that didn’t elicit a response either. The sweaty shirt and his boxers were on the floor. He picked them up and put them on again. The fresh feeling after taking his shower evaporated instantly.

When he entered the room, Jason turned out to be lying on the bed, his back turned to the bathroom door as Dan had suspected. He could hear the chattering noise of a game coming from the earphones. Jason was just wearing boxers. A familiar feeling forced its way into his guts, making them taut and taking his breath away for a second.

He was jealous of his thirteen-year-old brother – how much more pathetic could he possibly get?

Dan stalked over to the corner and rummaged around in his backpack. After grabbing a clean shirt and some underwear he made his way back to the bathroom. Unfortunately, he hadn’t been quick enough.

“I thought you were taking a shower?” Jason pulled out one of his ear buds and looked up at his brother questioningly.

“I was.”

“So why are you still wearing your pajamas?”

“Pajamas?”

Jason gestured at his outfit. “You were wearing that when you went into the bathroom.”

“No shit, Sherlock.” He kicked the mattress, narrowly missing Jason’s leg. “I forgot to bring clean clothes. But hey, thanks for noticing. You’re so sharp this morning.”

“Dan…” The cautious way Jason said his name set Dan on edge. “You can get dressed in here, you know. I don’t mind if you…”

Something seemed to clog up his throat. His skin seemed to burst at the seams, too tight for his own body. He hated the oppressive feeling, but not nearly as much as he hated the other things. The whispers of sympathy, or the way people seemed to tiptoe around him when dealing with him. Even his little brother. He strutted back to the bathroom and slammed the door shut. Memories of Timo’s visit came back to him. He’d felt the same way back then.

“Oh, man.” Timo took him in from across the room. His best friend didn’t dare to come closer. He’d put his stool near the door. Ready to beat his retreat. The silence stretching between them seemed to flood the entire room with even brighter fluorescent light.

“Shit, Dan. I…” Timo gestured wildly, as though he’d be able to pluck the right words from the air as they circled him like vultures. “I’m so sorry for you.”

And Dan turned his head away. Away from the door, away from Timo. Away from the pity in his best friend’s voice that cut him like a knife and made it painfully evident that for the first time in both their lives, they were no longer equals.

4

Lynn

“Look at the blue water!” Cherry, the little girl from England, tugged at Lynn’s hand. “Can we go in? Please, Lynn, can we?” Cherry lived up to her name with her red hair and matching freckles.

Lynn shook her head. “No, you can’t swim there, honey. It’s too deep.”

Disappointed, Cherry pulled her along to the deck chairs instead. The other children had built tents there using towels and chairs. Cherry ran up to Ernesto, a little boy from Germany. Jip and Pia, the two Dutch kids who were going home tomorrow, also said hi to her. Cherry crawled into the makeshift tent where more kids were hiding while eating the ice lollies they’d just bought.

Lynn cast a look around. Steve was in the pool playing a game of water polo with a bunch of teenagers. Their shouts rose up far beyond the fence separating the hotel from the road. Steve hit the ball out of the water in an explosion of water drops and the thing rolled past her, coming to a stop a few steps away.

“Dude! Can you throw it back?”

Lynn followed Steve’s gaze. The ball had landed in front of two male feet wearing slippers. She looked up, her eyes traveling past the knee-length pants hanging off his hips and the long-sleeved shirt to land on his surly face, half-hidden in the shadow cast by his cap. The guy stepped right over the ball without as much as a glance in their direction and made a beeline for the nearest deck chair in the shade.

“Dickhead.” Steve’s stage whisper was meant to be heard.

Lynn looked back at the guy and saw his shoulders tense up. For a second, he seemed to slow down, then thought better of it and plunked down on the chair. His hand slipped into his pants pocket to grab a phone and a set of earphones. She knew she was staring, but it still threw her off when he looked up to meet her gaze, his brown eyes boring into hers. When he mockingly raised his eyebrow, Lynn felt her cheeks grow hot. Quickly, she looked away, ashamed for having gaped at him like that.

In the meantime, Steve had gotten out of the pool to grab the ball. He came to stand next to her. “What a nice guy. Not.” He tossed the ball into the air and caught it again before flinging it back into the pool amid the group of loudly-cheering teenagers. Lynn frowned, her eyes darting to the unsociable guy again. He’d plugged in his ear buds and his head rested on his crossed arms as he lay there on his stomach, eyes closed. Despite the heat, he hadn’t bothered to take off his shirt. If she had the choice, she’d take off her own polo at once to hang around the pool in her bikini top for the rest of the day. The fabric of her shirt itched annoyingly as it stuck to her sweaty back.

“Hey, you have to join me and Marina tonight when we go to Club Loco, okay? They’re showing a soccer game on the big screen. The Dutch team is playing.” Steve shook his head to get rid of the water in his hair and the droplets landed on Lynn’s polo shirt. Before she could respond, he was back in the water. Steve’s strong arms pushed the water away as he swam back to his team. Lynn recognized one of the girls as Cherry’s older sister. The girl had the same red hair as Cherry, but that was where the resemblance ended. The tight bikini top covering Ellis’s upper body made it all too obvious that she was very ripe for a sixteen-year-old. Steve didn’t seem to notice how the girl constantly sought his nearness.

Lynn shook her head and spun around. Again, her gaze collided with the guy’s. And again, she looked away.

5

Dan

“So what’s it going to be?” His dad looked at him and Jason expectantly. “You guys want to take a ride up to the mountains? Or go up north?”

Jason shrugged and held up his tablet like a shield. Dan was about to pop his ear buds back in too when his dad stopped him and held out his hand, palm facing upward. Reluctantly, he dumped his phone into his father’s waiting hand. Jason was the next victim. Dad snatched the tablet from Jason’s fingers, meeting with all kinds of grumbled protests.

Dan kept quiet. In situations like these, it was his experience that silence bothered his family far more than remonstration.

“Julia? What do you reckon?”

Dan observed his mother, who was just coming out of the bathroom. Her hair was down and she was wearing a brightly colored wrap dress that hurt his eyes.

“Maybe we should go north? I bet the temperatures will be more agreeable there, too.” She glanced at him before quickly looking away, but the message was more than clear.

“Hey, or you know what? Let’s go on a trek to the North Pole. Most agreeable for Dan, right?” He got up and walked over to the door. “Honestly, I don’t give a shit. I didn’t give a shit about his whole fucking vacation in the first place.”

“Dan, please…” The sigh in his father’s voice made his fingers curl around the door handle in a death grip.

“I told you I didn’t want to go. So you forced me to get on the damn plane anyway, but that doesn’t mean I have to listen to you guys pleading and nagging all day long.” He sounded like a whiny toddler and he knew it. He just couldn’t bring himself to care. The knot in his stomach just seemed to get bigger and bigger until the all-consuming flames burned him from the inside out. When he got this angry, everything burned along with him. Before he blurted out more things he’d regret later and which he’d have to face up to eventually, he pulled the door open and stepped into the corridor.

Thank God his dad didn’t follow him out.

He aimlessly sauntered down the hallway. After taking the six flights of stairs down, he ended up in the lobby. There were people everywhere, most of them clustered around the swimming pool. The soft babble of voices rushed over him like a vortex, all the voices mingling and buzzing around his head like a thousand enraged bees. In the dinner hall, the remaining members of staff were clearing the tables. Eventually he ended up in the passageway leading to the TV room, which turned out to be empty, much to his relief. He sagged down on one of the sofas and switched on the TV. After flipping through some channels he settled for a practice match between the Dutch soccer team and another country.

Two years ago, he’d watched the World Cup with his own team. Timo had been next to him, proclaiming loudly he’d have done a much better job than the forward just scoring the winning goal. Ella had been draped across his lap, one hand playing with his hair, the other tracing patterns on the skin of his bare shoulders. His entire body had thrummed under her touch while he was watching the game.

“Hey.”

Dan looked up. It was the girl from the animation team – Lynn. He frowned. She looked as though she wasn’t sure whether she should stay or run from the room. Doubt clouded her eyes, which were even bluer than the first time he’d looked into them.

Bluer than Ella’s eyes.

After some inner debate, she decided to stay. Decidedly, she stalked over to sit in a lazy chair about as far away from him as possible. From the corner of his eye he could see her shifting to find a comfortable position, her legs stretched out to rest on the coffee table in front of her.

The memory of Ella and Timo made him restless. It reminded him of all he’d lost. The fact that Lynn chose to sit so far away from him, when she didn’t even know about…

He shook his head, trying to concentrate on the soccer game. Inside, his anxiety roared. His ears were ringing.

Again, he glanced over at Lynn. She’d closed her eyes and her face looked relaxed. A smile crept up on his face. Somewhere deep inside, something was stirring – an old, familiar feeling. Desire. What would it be like if he...

“Dan! Daaaaan! Where you at?” Jason burst into the room. “Mom’s looking for you. You want to tag along to the boulevard after the game or what?”

He groaned inwardly. They couldn’t even leave him in peace for a half hour. When was their suicide watch going to end? It was driving him nuts, the way they constantly checked up on him. Always the focus of attention in his family, when all he wanted was to blend into the background and disappear.

“For real, Jase? Buzz off. You’re blocking my view, man. Get your ugly face out of here.” He grabbed the remote control and turned up the volume to ear-shattering.

“Jeez. Suit yourself, you sourpuss.” Jason had to shout to rise above the din of the sports commentary. The sound boomed against Dan’s chest and the vibrations made his tense, oversensitive body feel even more on edge. He quickly pressed down on the button to lower the volume.

“You always talk to your little brother like that?”

Her voice made the storm inside him rage more wildly. The words spelled indignation – condemnation. Slowly, he turned towards her. Couldn’t she mind her own business?

“Sorry,” was all he could come up with when he looked her in the eye. The resolute tone of her voice clashed with the almost anxious expression on her face as she met his gaze. She held it – which surprised him, since her lower lip was trembling as she bit down on it and sucked it a little.

And yet her gaze was steady, her eyes seeming to burn straight through his safe layer of clothes. Her eyes were unrelenting. He broke out in a sweat.

“Oh, and who are you – valley girl trying out a career in animation for the summer? Shouldn’t you be playing stupid pool games with those kids or something, with your fake little laughs and your artificial glee? Yay. Because life is so awesome. Just get the fuck out of here, okay?”

He’d gotten to her. Hit her right where it hurt. She got up and walked over to him. Trembling, she stood there, avoiding him as she fixed the wall behind him with her eyes. “You don’t know the first thing about me, so shut up.”

He almost felt tempted to jump up and run after her, to grab her arm and stop her so he could make his apologies. Her final words lanced though him like nails through skin. He didn’t know the first thing about her, just as she didn’t know anything about him.

She didn’t know what he’d been like. Before.

6

Lynn

Esmee had taken center stage in her dreams that night. Not just Esmee, though – Dan was there with her. They were both watching her from the shoreline while she was in the water, drifting off further and further. They let it happen, calling out to her that there was no point fighting the inevitable.

Lynn took a shower to rinse off the sweat sticking to her skin after her nightmare and the hot and humid night. It wasn’t until she started to look around for her polo shirt, which wasn’t on its usual spot on the ottoman in front of the double bed, that she realized she didn’t need to work today. But staying in bed any longer was a no-go because it was way too hot for that. She quickly put on her bikini and a strapless sun dress and made her way to the breakfast room.

She joined Steve at the table ten minutes later, setting down a glass of orange juice and a large bowl of yogurt sprinkled with fruits and granola. He listlessly moved the scrambled eggs and strips of bacon around on his plate, a pained expression on his face.