LIFEBLOOD OF TRUST
FOR REAL RELATIONSHIP

LISTEN TO HEAR ... FIND YOUR VOICE ... RISK YOUR TRUTH

BUDIR’S JOURNEY IN CONTEXTUAL WORK

AUTHORS:

BARBARA R KRASNER PhD / BUDIR DOUGLAS W SCHOENINGER PhD
KAREN K ALLEN MBA GREET DE BRUIJN BEd

CONTRIBUTORS:

RACHEL JOYCE MPA GRETA ROBERTS BA RUSS PARKER DDiv
SCOTT M KRASNER MBA

ACCO DEN HAAG / LEUVEN

First print: 2019

Published by
Acco Nederland, Westvlietweg 67 F, 2495 AA Den Haag, Nederland
E-mail: info@uitgeverijacco.nl – Website: www.accouitgeverij.nl

For Belgium:
Uitgeverij Acco, Blijde Inkomststraat 22, 3000 Leuven, België
E-mail: uitgeverij@acco.be – Website: www.acco.be

Cover design: Frisco grafische vormgeving
Illustration cover: Alexandr Milov
Typesetting: Crius Group

The majority of the photographs in this book are from the private collection of the authors. Images and photographs have been used with permission of the mentioned organization and person.
The publisher has made every attempt to trace all copyright holders. If there has been any oversight, please contact the publisher.

© 2019 by Acco Nederland bv, Den Haag (The Netherlands)
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, by mimeograph, film or any other means without permission in writing from the publisher.

NUR 777
ISBN 978-94-92398-33-8

TABLE OF CONTENTS

STATEMENTS OF INTENT

WHAT THIS BOOK IS / INTRODUCTION AND READING GUIDE

CHAPTER 1: “POINTING THE WAY” - BUDIR’S PASSION FOR CONTEXTUAL WORK

In a letter to Budir’s eldest grandson Zach, the following themes are highlighted: the process of building trust, intergenerational loyalties, ethical imagination, truths, the possibility of dialogue, and making myself known – regardless of outcome.

CHAPTER 2: ELEMENTS OF CONTEXTUAL THOUGHT

This chapter provides elements of Contextual Work; what it is, why it is. We start with Budir’s beginnings. We then use a variety of means to convey Contextual essentials: theoretical explanations and illuminations, key questions, and a series of vignettes. We point to applications, including Whats, Whys, Hows and What Ifs as seen through Contextual lenses.

CHAPTER 3: “I’LL LISTEN IF NO ONE ELSE DOES” - ETHICAL ENGAGEMENT

Multidirectional Fairness; The Uniqueness of Each Relationship.

Owning Responsibility for One’s Choices and Their Consequences.

Rebalancing Give and Take: Asking Another for Fairness to Me, to Himself/Herself, and to Others.

Acknowledging Others’ Contributions to My Well-Being and My Contributions to Others’ Well-Being. Crediting Myself and Others Where Credit Is Due.

Say What You Mean. Mean What You Say. Every Voice Matters.

CHAPTER 4. TIRED OF BEING AFRAID - INTRINSIC JUSTICE IN RELATIONSHIPS

Awakening: There Must be More; Finding My Voice; Standing My Ground.

Imagining and Acknowledging Who and/or What Inspirits Me... for Good or for Bad

Reversing Destructive Entitlement.

Linking the Generations: Passing Forward.

Integrating Multiple Loyalties.

CHAPTER 5: TOUCHED BY THE INEFFABLE - “ANGELS” AND THEIR IMPACT

Contextual Work Is About Identifying and Tapping into Resources.

What Do I Owe Here? And What Do I Deserve?

Acknowledging Credit Where Credit Is Due...When It Is Due. The Impacts of Legacy.

Each of Us Has A Unique Voice. Each of Us Has A Side.

CHAPTER 6: “REMEMBER ME” - CELEBRATING WHAT HAS BEEN GIVEN AND RECEIVED

The following perspectives are illustrated in the context of this chapter: Identifying and tapping into resources, acknowledging value received where credit is due...when it is due and to whom it is due, and earning entitlement by giving credit where credit is due.

CHAPTER 7: BUDIR’S BROOD - BECOMING FAMILY

Reciprocity: Acknowledging the Value of Another’s Person’s Life to Me; Imagining My Value to Another Person’s Life.

Honoring the Legacy of One Who Has Died.

Reworking Loyalty Expectations from Generation to Generation.

Appreciating the Sources of Each Other’s Limitations.

Facing New Normals Requires Reworking Give and Take.

CHAPTER 8: EXPLODING MYTHS - CONTEXTUAL APPLICATIONS IN SOCIETY AND THE WORLD

This chapter addresses:

Competing Claims (and Loyalties): What is Required?

WeNeed to be Startled onto Common Ground;

The Power of Inclusion;

A Precursor to Contextual Work: “Seven Generations” and Native Americans, Loyalty to Ancestors and Descendants;

How Do We Come to the Table Respecting Each Other?

When Two or More Sides Believe Justice is Theirs; and

Speaking My Side, My Own Voice and Integrity...Anatomy of Dialogue.

CHAPTER 9: STEPPING STONES - BRINGING IT ALL TOGETHER

This chapter brings all the concepts of Contextual work together in a short poem-like piece written by Budir to her grandson Zach on the occasion of his college graduation in 2014.

AFTERWORD: “HOW WE GOT HERE”

BIBLIOGRAPHY AND OTHER CONTEXTUAL RESOURCES

STATEMENTS OF INTENT

CONTEXTUAL WORK IS ABOUT seeing people, events and relationships in multigenerational contexts, imagining the real for others with a focus on resources and justice. The essence is that people are individuals but not separate persons. There is no me without you. We gain meaning and offer meaning through relationships. Contextual Work offers a methodology that enables preventive and restorative ways of working with individuals, families, communities, and nations, taking into account past, present, and future.

CONTEXTUAL WORK

Is dedicated to the premise of dialogue, expanding trust,
and finding courage to speak our truths...
in the name of personal and communal justice and integrity

WORDS SPOKEN HERE AND HEARD THERE

Contextual Work Deconstructs Roadblocks & Constructs Pathways...
From Terror and Paralysis TO Initiative
From Hesitating TO Risking
From Listening TO Hearing
From Hopelessness TO Seeing Options
From Presupposing TO Imagining
From Assuming TO Engaging
From Justifying TO Justice

It is Everyday Stuff Between People... From Generation to Generation

WHAT THIS BOOK IS / INTRODUCTION AND READING GUIDE

THIS BOOK IS my (Budir’s¹) journey, a long-time quest to make Contextual Work a household phrase, more fully grasped, owned and embraced. This book is also meant to extend Ivan’s Boszormenyi-Nagy’s fierce determination to clarify the intended meaning of words spoken here and heard there.² It is the product of our yearning to uncover and clarify, tease out and sharpen the essentials in Contextual Work.

For me, Contextual Work is not just a theory. It is a matter of life and death for family, friends, strangers, countries, and nations – in the past, now, and in the future.

Budir: Keynote Speaker at the 1st International Contextual Congres in the Netherlands, 2014

THIS BOOK CONTAINS Budir’s personal stories and life events that reveal her passions. We offer insights through her personal life. Stories include family events, growing up, academic studies, marriage, children and more, as well as global and societal events like women’s rights, civil rights, and inter-religious dialogue.

Each chapter starts with personal stories, like family events – growing up, studies, getting married, having children – all of the failures and successes that occur in the natural order of family life. And, on a larger scale, transformation and changes of perspective through involvement with world events, women’s rights, fair housing, civil rights, war protests, etc. Building bridges along the way: in family, in work with families, and work with the Philadelphia poor, with the New York women with unexpected/unwanted pregnancies, and with Middle Eastern Jews, Christians and Arabs.

IN THIS BOOK, WE TAKE YOU ON A JOURNEY THROUGH BUDIR’S LIFE, AND POINT TO PATHWAYS OF CONTEXTUAL THINKING, suggestions and guidelines which may help you to find courage to speak from heart, soul and mind. We offer ideas on how to work on ethical imagination so that each of us can hear the other person and make room for his/her heart, soul and mind.

WE’D LIKE YOU TO RECAST DISTORTED OR POTENTIALLY UNREALISTIC NOTIONS of how to relate to one another as individuals and as groups. We each come from different loyalty groups. Our loyalties and “loyalty groups” are inherent in our families of origin. When we are in conflict, we come across those who have other loyalties and “belong” to other “loyalty groups” and cultures.

CONTEXTUAL INTERVENTIONS TEACH US how to “meet” each other with mutual consideration. That is, recognizing legitimate loyalties and pointing to potential resources for addressing each other...As a start.

EACH CHAPTER BEGINS with a list of Contextual Themes that are illustrated in the content of the chapter.

In Chapter 1, Pointing the Way – Budir’s Passion for Contextual Work, we introduce basic themes of the contextual approach in the context of a letter that Budir wrote to her eldest grandson.

In Chapter 2, Elements of Contextual Thought, we provide more detail with respect to contextual work itself, including theory, methodology and examples of everyday collisions: what happened, why it happened and how it could have been addressed differently. We also list “what if” questions if the examples don’t match a reader’s direct experience.

Chapter 3, I’ll Listen if No One Else Does: Ethical Engagement, begins with a letter from Budir’s son Scott to Budir and her husband David in 1978. Budir found the letter in David’s papers several months after he died in 2011. The letter is followed by additional correspondence between Budir and Scott in 2014.

Chapter 4, Tired of Being Afraid – Intrinsic Justice in Relationships, includes a genogram and starts Budir’s journey from childhood through young adulthood, illustrating the bridging that Budir has innately done in her life with individuals, human rights and societal issues. Again, contextual themes are presented along with pointers at the end of the chapter, helping to weave through the complexities we all face.

Chapter 5, Touched by the Ineffable – “Angels” and Their Impact, talks about many, but not all of the people (“Angels”) with whom Budir had long-term or transient relationships, all of whom impacted her life and her passion for contextual work.

Chapter 6, Remember Me – Celebrating what has been Given and Received, contains tributes written and presented by Budir for some of the most impactful people (“Angels”) in her life: her husband David Krasner, Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, Austin Joyce, and Alex Shapiro.

Chapter 7, Budir’s Brood – Becoming Family, touches on legacy issues within Budir’s relationship with her husband David, their relationships with their children, and with her family of origin: Choosing for herself, including others, learning from mistakes and accomplishments alike on her continuing journey through the contextual world.

Chapter 8, Exploding Myths – Contextual Applications in Society and the World, looks at contextual concepts and possibilities in societies as a whole, with possibilities of dialogue over blame, and quotes from Martin Luther King, Pope Francis, Malala Yousafzai, Michelle Obama, Carl Sagan, and Greta Thunberg.

Chapter 9, Stepping Stones – Bringing it All Together, brings all the concepts of contextual work together in a short poem-like piece written by Budir to her grandson Zach on the occasion of his college graduation in 2014.

An Afterword presents vignettes on how the authors and contributors “got here”, that is what passions, interests and relationships intersected for them to collaborate on this book.

Suggested readings and a bibliography are provided at the end of the book.

THE STORIES IN MOST CHAPTERS ARE FOLLOWED BY POINTERS – THAT IS, CONTEXTUAL INTERVENTIONS – or reflections on What happened? Why it happened? How to take next steps? And What If unanticipated obstacles occur; questions to ask and ways to move forward.

Along the way, we introduce photos, quotes, anecdotes, and art, poetry and footnotes that strengthen and clarify our message.

I am also willing to give lessons on how to ride a camel.

Budir and the camels, circa 1975

THIS BOOK IS A MEMOIR, not a program and not a chronology. The stories and life events in this book embody insights and reflections related to real multi-generational family and societal relationships.

Budir, also known as Barbara R. Krasner, PhD:

This book embodies dialogue with fellow sojourners, both dead and alive, who walk my path with me.

It presents a Contextual methodology through the experiences of my life and of all those whose lives I encountered. My passion of living the inner light of Contextual Work where enemies can reach out their hand to each other sustains me. The close-up realization of how easy it would be to destroy others and ourselves haunts me. How to fight the viciousness and lies that seem so inherent in politics and power games, and the consequences on innocent bystanders keeps me searching. I trust how Contextual Work has so many essential elements that could at least help us fill the sandbags and stem the flood of free-floating malevolence.

The book builds on the resources I mined by opening myself up to others’ worlds. All kinds of little things which are big: Judson Church Retreats where you couldn’t dance but could make foot patterns; EPPI; poor families in Philadelphia; marching in Selma, Alabama; Philadelphia mayor’s office sit-in; walking in neighborhoods in Jerusalem and Arab countries (mosques, churches and synagogues); religious opposition; five generations of my family, including foster care and adoption; the thousands of hours spent with others – as a Contextual therapist – who have shared their life stories with me.

In recent years, members of my family have held together throughout episodes of leukemia, heart surgery, lymphoma, and my own life-threatening cancer. Still, I have a lot to live for.

I have now lived in two Continuing Care Retirement Communities (CCRCs), in the midst of people who are broken; some resigned; some giving up, others disheartened, some who are shells of their former selves, some just waiting to die. Others fight for their lives daily, finding ways to engage life and to search for meaning with their hearts and souls in the midst of physical limitations.

Each of us has long been sheltered in the loving arms of others, some who knew nothing of Contextual Work.

My life is and has been a search for just- and trust-based ways.

I was more than reticent to write this book. A biography? About me?!?

Budir relaxing in a Dutch bar, 2014

What we have done here has only added to the trust and fair consideration that can happen among people. Our authors and contributors contend with each other; work through misunderstandings; and add wisdom, subtleties, self-disclosure and especially humor and passion to our efforts. That has been, friends, truly the joy and the fruit of our labors that I embrace, all the while wondering if we were really going to have a book at all. The whole became greater than the sum of the parts, blending itself into a new creation.

Writing this book together has had an ocean-like quality given how we swim in and out of each other’s lives. Increasingly with ease and intimacy, borne of trust, we gained the freedom to bring our lives in the moment to each other. Unknowingly, we each spontaneously changed and grew as we confirmed each other. We spoke of things to each other that we had never said before... all the while retaining our differences in cultures, religions, backgrounds, and family life. There were times we went home, raw and exhausted, only to regain ourselves in time for our next meeting. We were fed by the differences between us and expanded to include each other’s uniqueness.

Our meetings became a safety net in our lives as we wrote together. We brought to each other experiences of isolation, criticism, and unintended slights, lack of understanding, intergenerational hurts and felt injustices. Unlike the rigors of meetings and competition in the corporate world, we kept swimming back and forth into each other arms, making and learning from mistakes, automatically respecting each other, imagining each others’ sides, our persons always being more important than our ideas. We threw away as many words as we ultimately kept. We celebrated our creative moments and our successes. We had fun shaping each other’s words. We lovingly made fun of each other. We laughed. We cried.

All this added to the quality of our writing and inspirited the speech with meaning that we bring to each other – and to the world.

Down to the last word!

Writing session, 2016 in Rosemont, Pennsylvania, USA
Doug, Karen, Budir, Greet and Mirjam Bakker who took this photograph

1Barbara R. Krasner PhD aka Budir

2A paraphrase of Maurice Friedman’s quote by Martin Buber. Maurice Friedman was the preeminent Buber scholar and author.

GENOGRAM

CHAPTER 1

“POINTING THE WAY” - BUDIR’S PASSION FOR CONTEXTUAL WORK

THIS CHAPTER “POINTS THE WAY” to foundational contextual themes through a letter Budir promised her oldest grandson Zach. Zach and his brother Tate would often lovingly tease Budir about her “therapeutic words”. The letter was written over the span of several years. It shares Budir’s passion for Contextual Work, pointing the way for Zach now and in the future. Contextual themes and concepts are highlighted in the body of the text.

The following themes are highlighted as part of the letter in this chapter:

the process of building trust

intergenerational loyalties

ethical imagination

truths

the possibility of dialogue

making myself known – regardless of outcome.

David holding his newborn grandson Zach, 1991

A LETTER TO OUR GRANDSON - POINTING THE WAY

Dear Zach,

Why do people find it so hard to address each other with heart and soul and mind? I guess a lot of my pursuits have sought answers to that question. That quest is always a balm to my soul. From the time I was very young I actively sought answers to that question – in part because I typically felt outside of a circle, whatever circle it happened to be.

I want to say to you that I don’t easily trust people. I do trust in the process of building trust. I know that I never will be let down by that process.

A basic motivation in my life has been my mother expressing her disappointment by cutting off her brothers and my father, by yelling, cursing, and blaming. She would often stay estranged indefinitely from my father. Then if there were a crisis or something that demanded attention she would re-engage. When I was a little girl, and as I grew older, I would kneel at her knees and beg her to talk to him. It wasn’t that he was always right or she was always wrong. But it was rare for her to let go of hurt. It was hard for them to take a step towards facing each other and talking things out.

I vowed that I would never repeat that behavior when I was married and had a family of my own. Unknowingly, I broke that vow: I carried a lot of hurt and anger and emulated some of my mother’s behavior when she was disappointed. Intergenerational Loyalties.

Have you ever looked in the mirror, and seen a person who is worth putting their arms around? No? Keep Looking!

I became disappointed in me. I saw my image in a glass plate window across from City Hall one day and mused that there had to be “more.”

All of this this connects somehow, and I want you to know about it. So here are some particulars of Budir’s Journey – not necessarily in the order that they happened.

That time was not ideal for your grandpa and for your father and aunts and for our foster children. They paid a price for my distress and frequent absences from home. I was bitchy a lot and I didn’t want to become a “professional bitch.” So, you can say that I began a world-wide search, or that I ran away from home. It’s anybody’s call.

I seem to intimidate people a lot, or they parentify me, that is, assume that I am more than I am. My intensity is often confused with anger. I pretty much know what belongs to me, and what belongs to someone else who may need to act out for whatever reason. I tend to be self-deprecating because I don’t necessarily see myself as others see me. I know how to credit myself and can stand my ground that has been so hard won. I acknowledge the merit of people who see disagreement as a hostile act. I can confirm others without having to agree with them. Ethical Imagination.

There is a huge difference between retaining my own stance and truths; and yielding them in order to please.

Martin Buber once pointed to the distinction between being and seeming; or risking your truths to advance the possibility of dialogue rather than succumbing to pleasing someone who may pretend to be more than they are.

I broke my leg years ago – tripping on yours and Tate’s toys while wearing sandals. Grandpa was pushing me in a wheelchair when a perfect stranger came over and patted my head and turned to Grandpa and said, “take care of her, poor dear.” I wanted to reach for my crutch to slug her, but I was too slow on the draw.

Nicey-nice and compulsive pleasing or condescension are reprehensible to me. AND if anyone starts a sentence to me with the word “you,” if someone tries to tell me who I am, if a person analyzes me and tries to tell what I’m thinking, if someone asserts his or her superiority over me by virtue of race, religion, education, wealth or class – rather than inquiring or discussing differences. ...

...that is the point at which I “pull the pin out of the hand grenade”.

Truth is not the first thing on peoples’ mind; rather defensiveness, offensiveness, false affirmation... mostly due to what they have learned through successive generations. People spend money for therapy, and then spend that time blaming each other. “I AM right!, not him or her!”

WHAT HAPPENS IN FAMILIES ALSO INFILTRATES OUR CULTURES. Competition is rife. We only talk to our “own group”. People bend rules. Connections are weakened. It’s become a hate culture against those who are not like me. The hatred seems to pour out of every pore. The race issue has always been huge, but now it’s even more visible. There is a widening gap between working people who just earn enough, and people who are wealthy. People withdraw or get poisonously prejudiced. Their future seems stuck. We who went to Selma thought we were saving the world. We were just scraping the paper off of the bottle. The results of the 2016 American election have broken the bottle that now has jagged edges and cuts everything in its path.

Still, there are people who can make the connection!

Suddenly I find myself, at 83 years of age, moving out of my house of 55 years to a strange apartment in a nearby town... decorated with my own furniture, thank god! I am surrounded by mostly older people who, at first glance, see their lives as over, with this place as their last stop.

While I, recovering from cancer, am going on with my work. It is difficult to adjust and to find a way. There is an awful lot that has happened over the past 5 years. Your Grandpa died, and I have had cancer. There have been other losses and illnesses, deep valleys for our family and friends to traverse. There were a few positives, though sometimes overshadowed by grief. Yet, together we found a way forward.

I’m not perfect. I know the dilemma; I struggle with it myself. But learning how to build trust has given me the confidence I need to go out there and take another step. The possibility of dialogue is always there for me, if I let it be. I know that I can’t make it happen alone. But making myself known – regardless of outcome – plants seeds for the future, for myself, and maybe the people I am trying to reach.

Each of us can be hurt, feel misunderstood, or have our confidence damaged. We may be afraid to stand up for ourselves. We then shut down, or attack each other, or blame rather than talk to each other. I see a chronic inability to own up to ourselves, face our own truths, and stay open to the truths of others. How we treat each other, we learn in our families and carry with us into the workplace, politics, and nations.

Dialogue is an antidote to disruption in families, societies, and countries.

Dialogue takes time. It takes repetition, and trial and error for the “word spoken here to be heard there”. It may seem scary. It may not always succeed. But every time I try, I find that much more of my voice.

     With Abiding Love, Grandmom

Budir with grandsons Tate and Zach, 2013

CHAPTER 2

ELEMENTS OF CONTEXTUAL THOUGHT

This chapter provides elements of Contextual Work; what it is, why it is. We start with Budir’s beginnings. We then use a variety of means to convey Contextual essentials: theoretical explanations and illuminations, key questions, and a series of vignettes. We point to applications, including Whats, Whys, Hows and What Ifs as seen through Contextual lenses.

In the Beginning...

1968: Here I am. Our children are in school. My husband is at work. I begin to feel exploited – by everyone. I think of myself as a feminist but feel confined to my house. I don’t know how to break out. I keep asking myself, what is it to be me? I “run away from home”. I become monologic. My imagination for the people I love fails me. I don’t consider the impact on our children or on my husband. I just don’t care. I want to find the world. Or my world.

Budir on vacation with David, Zach and Tate

Do I regret leaving the children, when they needed me more than I needed to be my own person? Yeah, I regret it. But am I sorry for it? No. I am not sorry for it. This journey began to reshape me and my world. It freed me to include my own thoughts in the process I was caught in. I stopped parentifying people, that is, making them more than they are. My journey was a tremendous leap: Looking for my self, I borrowed from everyone. And finally, my own foundation began to emerge.

Protesting for Fair Housing, Philadelphia, PA, USA, circa 1967

A neighbor invited me to Judson Church in Greenwich Village, New York. My family and I attended services there. I was treated as a peer when I was there. I decided to go back to school. Then my professor Maurice (Maury) Friedman introduced me to Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy. Maury and I witnessed Ivan working with a family. The therapy we observed involved parents who had gone through the holocaust and their adult daughter, who had never been told about their suffering. I saw Ivan making room for each of their stories. I wanted to do what he was doing. I wanted to be Ivan.

In recent days, a test pilot jumped out of an airplane at 25,000 feet without a parachute. He landed in a net, on his back, safely. He was ecstatic. He took this risk. It had never been done before.

I took a risk. Contextual work was the net I jumped into – maybe blindly – testing ways that I never imagined, that I never even knew were there. I was challenged to be fair and present with myself and others; to see and imagine each of us in our own contexts – family, generational legacies, culture, race, gender, abilities, health, burdens and benefits, limitations and advantages, wounding and healing.

Everyone was carried in a womb. Everyone was once a child. Everyone grew up in a context, personally, generationally, etc. This is why we call it Contextual Work. Seeing persons in context frees me from reducing anyone to being simply an adversary. This seeing in context is at the heart of ethical imagination. How can I ever get anywhere in relationships if I keep someone else as only an adversary, most especially in the family?

The fire that burns within me is a passion to translate Contextual work into everyday language that is accessible to anyone who is interested, now and in future generations. I want to pay forward the gift that has given me life.

We must educate our imaginations.

Master of the Universe, let us make up. It is time. How long can we go on being angry?...let us make up Master of the Universe. In spite of everything that happened? Yes, in spite. Let us make up for the child in me, it is unbearable to be divorced from you so long.

Elie Wiesel, 1997

Elie Wiesel with his wife Marion and 7-month-old son, Elisha, at their home on West 84th Street, in New York on January 8, 1973 (©Don Hogan Charles/NY Times/Redux)

I draw from letters I’ve written and received, memorials I’ve given, descriptions of people and family and situations... and then point to Contextual ways that have provided a path for me, stepping stones to trust and justice in my world: family, profession, community, nation.

We each come from a family. Families are the place where we learn how to love and learn how to hate. What we learn in our families is reflected in society. What is occurring in society is reflected in our families.

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out –
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out –
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out –
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me – and there was no one left to speak for me.

Martin Niemoller, A prominent Protestant Pastor who opposed the Nazi Regime.
He spent the last 7 years of Nazi rule in concentration camps. Germany, 1937. (© Keystone/Getty Images)

I desperately want to help unravel tangled relationships, to deconstruct roadblocks between people in context:

Rich and poor,

Professionals and laypeople,

Business people and customers,

Medical people and patients,

Friends and adversaries,

Communities and politicians,

Nation and nation,

Veterans and civilians,

Refugees and nationals,

Families and family members.

To speak and be heard. To listen and hear. To respond, not react.

VITAL QUESTIONS

When significant issues come between us, “silence” is a frequent result. Tension takes hold, filling the air, affecting everyone. Silence isn’t always quiet. Tears can be a hiding place. So too can fear, disappointment, blame, rage, bullying, and retribution. Questions arise:

1.Why is it so hard to make myself known, to take the first step, to find courage to speak my truth? We are more often than not intimidated. Can I risk saying what I mean? What do I want to say? Do I retreat into silence to “do less harm”?

2.How do I stand my ground and listen to yours? How do I say what I mean and listen to you in the midst of heated disagreements? How do I respond when my ground is threatened? Does vengeance substitute for true dialogue?

Saying words in ways I have rarely said before.
Hearing words in ways I have rarely heard before.
These are linchpins of relationship and humanity.

“I am no philosopher, prophet, or theologian,” Buber said, ... “but a man who has seen something and who goes to a window and points to what he has seen.

Paraphrased: I have no teaching. I only point to that which cannot be seen.³

Underneath most spoken words are layers of unspoken meaning

Contextual work points a way. It opens up possibilities of rejoining each other’s worlds; that is, peeling back layers of unspoken meaning in order to try again.

Contextual work takes courage; it traverses rugged terrain and potential landmines.

Contextual work identifies unaddressed residues between people from the past – living or not. These residues (loyalties, unhealed wounds, resentments, legacies) are still active – often unbeknownst to us – and have present and future consequences. They intensify invisible forces that drive relationships.

Contextual work strengthens our grip on options for:

Putting the brakes on anger and blame,

Attempting to speak with candor,

Treating deeply felt wounds, and

Reaching for trust.

Contextual work illuminates the interwoven threads of inter-human engagement. That is, how we see the Whats, Whys, Hows and What Ifs⁴ of relationships through a Contextual lens.

Each chapter in this book starts with one of Budir’s personal stories.

We end most chapters with Contextual Pointers, including explanations of what was happening, why it was happening, and how Budir dealt with it at the time. We also provide “what if” scenarios when the reader’s experiences do not precisely parallel Budir’s journey.

POINTING A WAY:

Contextual work illuminates the interwoven threads of inter-human engagement. That is, how we see the Whats, Whys, Hows and What Ifs of relationships through Contextual lenses.

EXPLAINING WHATS, WHYS, HOWS AND WHAT IFS

What? What is/what was happening?

What just occurred? One-sided speaking and listening? Blaming? Unexamined assumptions? Appreciation? Confirmation? Acknowledgement? What are the subtle signals of unspoken meaning? Often, we miss the impact of our words and actions on other people.

Why? Why is/why was this happening?

Why are people thinking, seeing, hearing, and reacting the way they are? What about me? Why am I reacting this way? Are there unspoken roots of anger, fear or gratitude? Am I aware of the impact of family legacies, positive or negative? How do past wounds or graces have an unconscious impact on me? Are there sources of failed initiative? Am I saying/doing what may result in unexpected responses?

How? Clarifying the mishmosh of what we are talking about: that is, how to traverse the sometimes daunting terrain of Contextual work.

Everyone has a side, everyone was a child, and everyone has blessings, burdens and complexities. What or who can help me? Where can I find resources for resilience and initiative? How do I rein in my reactions, summon courage, find my voice? How do I imagine the other’s side? How do I see and imagine myself and others in our past and present contexts? Who else is involved, living and deceased? How do I take initiative to reconnect, regardless of outcome? How do I help others lift up their side as I lift up mine? What provides me with courage to speak up?

What If? What if I get stuck?

What if it doesn’t work? What if someone attacks me because they think I am attacking them? What if the other person can’t listen, refuses to talk, repeatedly hangs up the phone? What if I can’t forgive? What if I’m unwilling to try again? What if I minimize, deny or avoid differences? What if I say I agree when I don’t agree in order to avoid conflict? What if I say nice things when I’m angry and feeling hateful? What if I believe it’s wrong to disagree? What if I confuse disagreement with rejection? What if the other person turns the table on me, accusing me of a malevolent motive in the face of perceived criticism? What if the other does not let go of what he/she holds against me? What if the other has died and is no longer present to talk to?

What if I’m willing to go forward but the other will not, or cannot? What if the other person cannot consider his/her role or responsibility...ever?

“What If” contain questions people might ask in their own contexts. “What Ifs” contain examples from our own lives or from our clients’ lives. “What Ifs” contain additional pointers by way of:

Asking Yourself Questions

Asking yourself questions can be the start of a healing process. Without an answer there can still be movement/progress. We provide options for you to consider other perspectives. A turning point can evolve that helps you establish confidence and trust in yourself, and courage to restart the process of dialogue.

Options for Consideration; What Do I Do Now?

Examples from Budir’s Journey

Every illustration is intended to open up imagination. The more we are steeped in Contextual Work the less mysterious, less difficult, and more nurturing our journeys become. By opening up to ourselves and to others we can earn merit on the road to justice. We may find ourselves less alone on our journeys.

ILLUMINATION

A window opens. Oh, I see. There must be more. Do I really mean to cut everyone off? Why isn’t anyone else taking action, or approaching me? Do I really care? Yes. What can I do? How do I get there, without abandoning myself? Thoughts form. Memories tumble out. I summon courage to slow down from boiling to simmering. I want to open things up between us:

Can I find fresh words and try again to make myself clear without blame or leading with anger?

Every voice counts, everyone matters.

Can you put it another way?

Helping others make themselves clear.

Can I temper my reaction?

Transforming my rage and anger into self-disclosure.

Can I reveal my own contexts and learn about yours?

Our histories, cultures, legacies, sexualities, ethnicities, beliefs...

Imagining each other’s side, knowing that there is another side.

Can I hear my ancestors’ voices in my words? Can I ask about yours?

Surfacing hidden loyalties.

Can I begin to test what can be fair between us?

However long it takes.

Attuning to consequences for each other.

Can we be clear that there is “You”, “I”, and “We”?

Can we become safer for each other?

Deepening trust between us.

Can I break free of chronic silence, blame, and resignation?

Can I risk initiatives to rebuild linkages?

Regardless of outcome.

Can I try to repair intended and unintended injuries?

Can we lend each other courage?

Now and over time.

Can I accept my limitations and yours?

Consider the following examples from a variety of people. These illustrations include What If questions without further pointers.

EXAMPLE #1 -I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME AGAINST HIM

What? What is/what was happening?

I have been divorced four times. I saw five different therapists after my most recent divorce. I got nothing from them. My husband and I saw separate therapists. In retrospect, why didn’t I drag my husband in? I thought it was me against him. This has happened to me four times. I hate men. I don’t know what they want, but I feel lost without one in my life. Where can I meet a good man?

Why? Why is/why was this happening?

I’m alone. I feel very lonely. I’ve always been lonely. My mother divorced my father when I was two. He was absent most of the time. He was the sole recipient of my mother’s blame. There was no other man that I could turn to. My mother distrusted men and never remarried. I don’t want to blame men the way my mother did. I always hated that. But I do it. I wish my father had reached out for me.

How? Clarifying the mish mosh of what we are talking about: that is, how to traverse the sometimes daunting terrain of Contextual work.

Everyone has a side – imagination, inquiry, and initiative.

My mother. I know my mother’s actions, but why does she blame men? What did she experience as a child? What did she experience with my father? How can I tell her how her blame affected me?

My father. How can I reconnect with my father? Why did he stay away from me? To protect me? What was his side? How can I tell him what mattered to me?

My former husbands. How can I approach them? What could they possibly tell me now? Maybe I can learn something if we could really talk to each other. Can I breathe deeply and listen to each of them? Can I breathe deeply and really tell my side? Can we consider each other? Is there someone who could help me say what I want to say... and hear what my ex-husbands have to say? I have a side. So does he. Is it always his fault? Or mine? We each have a history, loyalties, and lineages.

What If? What if I get stuck?

What if my mother, father or husbands refuse to talk to me?

What if powerful emotions take hold? (grief, anger, fear, tears)

What if I don’t want to try? What’s the alternative?

What if they are no longer alive?

EXAMPLE #2 -I THOUGHT MY WIFE AND I WERE A UNITED FRONT

What? What is/what was happening?

My daughter gets in the car with my wife – her stepmother – and me and turns on the jazz station. I know my wife doesn’t like Jazz. I ask my daughter to turn the radio off because I’m afraid my wife will feel left out. My daughter and I are both musicians. My daughter turns off the music, looking disgusted, and starts to sulk. This is a chronic problem.

Why? Why is /why was this happening?

I am fed up. My wife and daughter act like enemies. I feel like I’m expected to resolve the problem when there are differences between them. My daughter is 26 and is making choices of her own. She is an only child. She still has some loyalty to her biological mother. My second wife and I could not have a child of our own. Is my wife mourning? I try to compensate her loss. My wife gets testy when I don’t “back her up”. I want to intervene on my wife’s behalf. I am responding the same way my father would to my mother. That’s what my parents did when I was a kid, and I felt caught between them. Is my daughter caught in the same position? Either way, I fall silent.

How? Clarifying the mish mosh of what we are talking about: that is, how to traverse the sometimes daunting terrain of Contextual work.

Can I say to my daughter and my wife that I feel caught between them; that my primary strategy is to fall silent? Can we sit together and listen to each other, instead? What do I do when you get stuck? What have I done in past arguments to settle our differences? Can the three of us talk to each other about my wife’s inability to have a child of her own? Can the three of us talk about my daughter “losing” her mother? There is relief to be found in hearing each other’s voice.

What If? What if I get stuck?

What if my daughter’s maternal grandparents are antagonistic to my remarriage?

What if my current wife doesn’t want a relationship with my daughter?

EXAMPLE #3 -NOW THE TABLES TURN

What? What is/what was happening?

A heart attack. I had to cut back work. Given our health, our house is too much for us. We plan to move to a continuing care community. Our resources aren’t sufficient. Now we are in need financially. My children both say to me, “Dad, we don’t want you stressed about money.” They supplement our monthly income.

Why? Why is/why was this happening?

I lay out a detailed budget and I send it to my kids. Their search to reduce my stress has intensified. Their mother died recently; they don’t want to lose another parent right now. I am very uncomfortable taking their money. I feel a failure as a father. I am supposed to care for myself and for them; a continuing childhood obligation to care for the well-being of others. I am supposed to pass a monetary inheritance to them. That is what my parents and grandparents have done. Despite my father’s deficiencies, he took care of money and left us an inheritance.

How? Clarifying the mishmosh of what we are talking about: that is, how to traverse the sometimes daunting terrain of Contextual work.

Consider my childrens’ gain in giving to me. They are grateful and want to give back. I gave to them as children and young adults. Now they want to give to me. In this way receiving is giving. My son asks me how I am doing. “Are you meeting your monthly expenses?” I ask him, “Are you financially burdened by what you are giving us?” “Not at all. I just don’t want you carrying financial stress.” My daughter asks monthly: “How are you doing, Dad? Is this working for you?” I stopped resisting and accepted their gifts. I remembered how hard I worked to help my father heal, without recognition. My children’s gratitude fills a gap.

What If? What if I get stuck?

What if I can no longer work at all and need even more financial assistance?

What if my children can’t afford to help me financially?

What if my children don’t want to help me?

What if I had been too humiliated to risk talking to my adult children?

EXAMPLE #4 -AT A LOSS

What? What is/what was happening?

I am worried about my two daughters. They won’t talk to each other. My younger daughter is frustrated because I pay too much attention to her older sister. “Can you and your daughters meet together?” Oh, no! My older daughter won’t allow that. I’ve asked them before and they’ve always refused. Distance is the only way for me to find any peace. I don’t want to do anything that will cause tension.

Why? Why is/why was this happening?

I’m ill, getting weaker. I expect to die soon. I am incapacitated by my body’s fragility. I’m crushed because my daughters are so estranged. I am terrified that they won’t be there for each other when I’m gone. I want things to change before I die. I’m at a loss. I feel helpless. I’m done with it. I am furious. The only way I can talk to my older daughter is on the phone. My husband and I fight a lot, another reason we don’t visit each other. My younger daughter helps me occasionally but has always felt second best to her older sister. I feel like I’m being held hostage by my daughters, and by my daughters’ relationship with my current husband.

How? Clarifying the mishmosh of what we are talking about: that is, how to traverse the sometimes daunting terrain of Contextual work?

Could I meet with my daughters and a third party, either together or at separate times? Could I meet with my current husband and a third party? There is a tragedy in my reality. Do I have any memories of times we have been there for each other? Does our relationship really end here? At some point I have to accept that each person has responsibility for themselves and their actions. Sometimes family members, in their struggles, are untapped resources for each other. There is hope in the simple reality of trying again.

What If? What if I get stuck?

What if there are questions for which there are no immediate answers?

What if there are resources that could have been tapped?

What if my daughters refuse to make peace with each other?

What if a fight ensues between my husband and my daughters or between my daughters over my will?

EXAMPLE #5 -INTERPRETING SILENCE

What? What is/what was happening?

“I’m gay,” I told my friend. He fell silent. My reaction? He doesn’t want anything to do with me.

Why? Why is/why was this happening?

My friend reminds me of my father when I told him I was gay. My father backed away; he would have nothing to do with me. In the silence between my friend and me, I feel distance growing between us. I figured that my friend’s silence meant the same thing as my father’s; that he no longer wants to have anything to do with me.

How? Clarifying the mish mosh of what we are talking about: that is, how to traverse the sometimes daunting terrain of Contextual work.

I don’t want to lose my friend. I screw up my courage and tell him my reaction to his silence. “Oh, no!” he says. “I was just surprised. I didn’t know what to say.”

What If? What if I get stuck?

What if his friend refuses to talk to him?

What if his friend is now afraid of him?

What if he is afraid to talk to his friend?

EXAMPLE #6 -LET’S TALK ABOUT IT LATER

What? What is/what was happening?

I’ve been in the hospital for five days, sicker than I even knew. I was being discharged. I am ready to leave. There is a question about transportation home. I take a cab, against the advice of my daughter and her partner. Sides are taken. Everyone is exhausted and feeling impatient. Tensions are high.

Why? Why is / why was this happening?

Everyone is afraid of what is happening to me, blowing up and surfacing old wounds. Fear is powerful. “Let’s talk about it later,” may defer the ugliness of words flying between us now. Is our silence simply a pause as each person has other pressures (funerals, vacation, work, adjusting to living alone)? Is this cold silence containing rage that wants revenge? Is it a waiting for strength and willingness to engage? Is it all of these?

How? Clarifying the mish mosh of what we are talking about: that is, how to traverse the sometimes daunting terrain of Contextual work.

The silence is broken briefly. Our older daughter visits me in my new place. She says it is beautiful. She and our younger daughter greet each other. Indirectly our older daughter’s visit softens the flow of ugliness between us. We begin to absorb and reflect. We feel the impact of each other’s words and actions. Each person – in turn and for his/her own reasons – attempts to re-engage, and to consider each other’s longing to overcome the breach.

What If? What if I get stuck?

What if I had died?

What if I’m no longer able to ask my children to re-engage?

What if someone’s reparative initiative is rebuffed?

What if my children refuse to re-engage?

What if we get stuck?

TRAIL-BLAZING

Before we go on, what are your thoughts about the following?

Why your voice counts.

...Not the blaming or angry one, but your voice from your heart, your longing/desire.

What it means to consider consequences for yourself and others.

Who deserves consideration...

What do you owe and to whom?

What do you deserve and from whom?