Cover

Title page

Colophon

Copyright © 2020 Victor Pierau (Hilversum, The Netherlands) / Publisher: Booklight (Makkum, The Netherlands)

ISBN e-book: 9789492595232

Translated by: Pete Sanderson

Translation edited by: Renske Vonk

Cover design: Henk-Jan Panneman grafisch ontwerp

Illustrations: Henk-Jan Panneman grafisch ontwerp

Book interior design: Andries Mol, studio Mol

www.leadershipinlistening.com

This book was originally published as Leiderschap in luisteren, by Booklight uitgeverij, Makkum, The Netherlands

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted or stored in any form or by any means without written permission of the publisher.

Foreword

Written by Medy van der Laan

We listen all day long. Often on autopilot, hardly noticing just how we listen. Leadership in listening shows us that we are clearly very much in the dark when it comes to our potential to listen. Just consider how much we need to communicate, daily – with our families, at the workplace – and just how barely conscious that communication often is. It’s a backwards miracle that ‘listening’ as a phenomenon doesn’t get the attention that it warrants in our day to day lives.

This book is the breakthrough. It attentively covers every aspect of listening. From the straightforward to the sensitive. From the basic skill itself to self-knowledge and ultimately: silent listening.

Chapters 4 and 6 held a particular fascination for me. Chapter 4 is about ‘Selective listening’ to counter conflicts of interest, and in Chapter 6, it’s about ‘Cognitive listening to remedy controversy’.

In my work as chairperson/director of complex collaboratives, amongst other things, it’s my role, in a meeting to ensure that people are listened to. And, it’s just as important that whilst leading the meeting that I listen well too (and furthermore, that I observe the non-verbal communication). It’s all about listening to discern what’s really being said.

As chairperson, the better I do this, so too the better and more relaxed the meeting goes. Everyone in the meeting feels more heard and consequently more valued. In turn people become more at ease and their willingness to listen (to the other person) increases. Your were, after all, able to air your interest and it has been received by the others.

It helps in these situations to feel safe. As chairperson, I pay careful attention to that. The adage, ‘every interest is of interest’ is at the heart of the meeting and appropriate manners also help to ensure calm. These are basic pre-requisites, you might think, but we cannot take them for granted. The better the atmosphere, so too the more open, relaxed and able to listen, people become. In particular, in discussions with serious conflicts of interest, being open and able to genuinely listen, can lead to a greater vulnerability. After all, if you are prepared to listen, how will the other person react? The fear of this, is ultimately what limits many a conversation.

In this book we are offered the beautiful answer: letting go of the ego. An increased vulnerability leads to greater strength. And in that strength, and even with an entirely different agenda, the other person is invited to listen.

Gaining faith in the power of your own vulnerability, through an open and listening mind towards another’s perspective, is a powerful message from the 7 listening levels.

Medy van der Laan

Director, and former State Secretary

Word from the translator

Written by Pete Sanderson

Whilst working for Zilveren Kruis, a health insurance company in The Netherlands, I was afforded the opportunity to recreate the contact centre. I am extremely proud of the multi-channel access to support that customers now enjoy at Zilveren Kruis. The numbers, before and after, make compelling reading. My personal joy, was the pursuit of collegial happiness, whence all rewards are ultimately sprung. And there is nothing that makes an employee happier than the feeling that he or she has been heard.

What I learned is that it is possible to galvanize the unique talents of the individual. To this end, Victor’s trainings and subsequent book were instrumental. Whilst listening sounds like a no-brainer, you’d be surprised at just how obstinate we can be in the workplace. Noise cancelling headphones are great, but you’re not meant to wear them all the time. And, the same old playlist wears thin, pretty fast. Nothing lasts forever, yet there is nothing new under the sun. So, take off your fancy headphones, and listen to the music in live surround-sound. You’ll discover songs you never knew existed, and you’ll rediscover old favourites, enhanced and improved.

More than anything, this book celebrates our unique complexities as humans, whilst simultaneously showing us that these inherent complexities need not stand in the way of hearing what you need to hear. On the contrary, it is a celebration of our innate ability to listen. It is a celebration of the most compelling symphony you have yet to hear. It is by far and away the most compelling piece of corporate literature you will read; that is, if you want to truly listen that you might hear, hear what you did not know, understand anew what you took for granted and never take it for granted again.

I have enjoyed translating this book, albeit more from the conviction that it needs to be heard, than from the perspective of translating itself. I guess only Victor knows that to be true. Joking aside, my thanks to Victor for affording me this opportunity to widen his audience. Language is but a conduit. Listening is the conduit.

Pete Sanderson

Translator

Introduction

“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know.

But if you listen, you may learn something new.”

DALAI LAMA

Listening requires courage

Have you got the courage to really listen to someone else’s ideas? When you listen to someone, it may turn out that your pre-perceived thoughts have been completely off point. Have you got the courage, to really listen to, and hear someone’s emotion? If you’re able to really feel with the other person, then perhaps you would be much less angry. And, do you have the courage to really listen to someone’s needs? By listening to someone else’s need, it’s possible that your own need is met in an entirely different way.

When you read this, do you still want to listen? Your thoughts, feelings and desires may suddenly change. What would make it worthwhile for you to listen? What’s the value-added? In this book you’ll look for an answer to that question. Are you up for it? Are you prepared to release your reality to discover this value? If so, you’ve picked up the right book.

Who’s this book for?

This book is especially for professional listeners, people who communicate a lot with other people. Whether you are a healthcare professional listening to your patients or a call centre employee to your customers, a politician to his constituents or an auditor to other professionals, if you read this book, you’ll realise that there is so much more to be gained from that listening connection.

As a professional listener, you already listen, a lot. You know its worth. You know too, your own limits. You sometimes think to have heard correctly, when after all, the other person meant something else entirely. Sometimes your own emotions are so strong, that it’s just difficult to listen. Or, it may be that your own agenda is blocking you from listening objectively to what is really going on. So, if you’ve discovered along the way, that listening isn’t so straightforward, this book will be the solution.

It’s, therefore, not an easy book. With this book, I closely look at the causes behind our problems with listening and offer structural solutions. We delve into many and varied scientific domains, but also into more experimental, or holistic disciplines.

I wrote this book for those who wish to expand their listening skills. It provides many new insights. I listened too, to much of the science, building on from its worth, to create new value.

The origin of this book

My whole life, I’ve been surprised by the many reasons why people don’t understand one another. When I was in primary school, I used to help my parents understand each other. I’d listen to each their own way of talking and translate one for the other person what they were saying.

Later too, at work listening played a key role. Firstly, as auditor, (‘listener’) I listened to problems and tried to discern what could be done better within the organisation(s). Later, in my psychotherapy practice, I’d listen to people’s problems and tried to understand what could help them. And now, as trainer, I combine listening on personal level with scaled organisational listening. My ‘listening’ training comprises twenty percent theory, that you’ll also find in this book, and eighty percent exercising the theory into practice. By listening, you create a deeper connection, and with that, an otherwise never heard conversation, exists. Much depth may be revealed in that connection.

In Dublin, June 2018, I attended the 39th international conference of The International Listening Association (ILA). Listening was discussed here, with nuance. Many scientists spoke of their research. Much to my joy, what was presented dove-tailed nicely with what I describe in this book. Yet, what I missed, was an all-embracing connection between all the composite listening parts. Everything came together for me, then; I’d been searching for that all-embracing connection for the past seven years. I set to work, and in March 2019, at the 40th ILA conference, I successfully presented my model. In this book I describe my model for listening. Predominantly, it focusses on listening on an individual level. The last chapter briefly covers listening at a team and organisational level.

The heart of this book

You’ll learn much about yourself in this book. Can you listen to yourself? Yes, sure you can. In actual fact, listening to yourself is the best way to make contact with others and with the challenges of the world. Why? Because by carefully listening to yourself, in conversation, you’ll know, for example, if an emotion is yours alone or shared by another, or indeed, whether or not you’re mixing up each other’s emotions.

By listening better to yourself, you’re better equipped to deal with the challenges our everyday life presents. You’ll recognise symptoms of burn-out faster. You know what’s going on when you listen and discern your body’s signaling. The sooner you recognise the symptoms of stress, the more time you have to combat the cause. In essence, then, the aim with this book is to teach you, that through listening, each contact is deepened; your connection with yourself, with others and with everything around you. Your personal leadership is hereby key. Step by step you’ll learn how to listen on different levels. And that’s all good and well, as long as there are no obstructions along the incoming listening channel. In this book, you’ll meet a host of obstructions. I call it distortion. You’ll learn, too, how to accommodate this distortion.

Seven listening levels

In my life, as well as in my work, I singularly distinguish seven sorts of distortion. For that reason, too, I describe seven levels on which you can listen. Think, for example, of the distortion created by a lack of energy. If for whatever reason you’re running low on energy, you’ll be unable to listen well to the other person. You listen, instead, much to yourself, to accommodate your lack of energy. This is the first listening level, self-focused listening. Or, what do you do when someone suddenly displays intense emotion? The distortion coming from a fear of that emotion can hinder your ability to listen, emphatically. According to the model, each of the seven types of distortion belongs to a specific listening level.

In chapter 1, I introduce the model and its seven listening levels. This is an important chapter to better understand where your obstructions lie, as regards listening. In chapters 2 through 8, you’ll learn about each of the seven listening levels in detail and what you can do to accommodate and be free of the distortion. You learn how to apply the listening levels at work and in your daily life. The chapters follow a natural order, but you may read them individually. In chapter 9, we apply the model to three different contexts; the individual level, the team level, the organisational level. My wish for you, is that through this book, you are able to more consciously switch between the seven levels. Your connection with other people will noticeably strengthen. Enjoy it.

1. Seven levels of Listening

To listen, is to be in touch

I’ve always been more of a listener than a talker. While our western culture might emphasize speech, I increasingly encounter its disadvantages relative to listening. Speech is delivered from you, an outgoing delivery; it leaves you, as it were. The connection between yourself and another can suffer as a result. Listening, on the other hand, is to receive an incoming delivery. With the delivery accepted, you are able to connect.

Contact in the physical sense occurs when things collide. When two objects collide, there is contact between them. So too, (physical) contact happens when two people touch each other. Similarly, in conversation, their words and thoughts are connecting; they are in touch, one with the other person. In human contact something extra develops, namely one’s experience of that contact. When someone touches you, or speaks to you, you may be either drawn towards, or repelled from that person. Any number of feelings about that contact is possible, in turn, motivating our desires, urges, needs etc. In this way, listening helps turn a moment of contact into a meaningful encounter.

The digital revolution is changing our interpersonal way of connecting. For one thing, it’s easier to stay in contact with increasingly more people. The quality of contact in the digital world, however, leaves a lot to be desired. In the absence of face to face contact, there is no non-verbal signaling, making it difficult to hear what someone’s not saying. I strongly advocate direct, interpersonal contact, where we really listen to each other. Only listening will get you past the façade. Then, you will connect to whatever is really going on. Listening helps you to make an actual, real connection with another. Again, listening can help turn a moment of contact into a meaningful encounter.

1.1 Distortion as an obstruction to listening

“It’s best to listen as much as possible because it’s good for your general knowledge. If you learn 10% from it (listening), you’ll be way ahead of the rest.”

JOHAN CRUIJFF

What is listening?

According to an early definition from The International Listening Association, (ILA), to listen is to notice, receive, interpret and answer audibly presented messaging (1). This definition excludes the signals you receive from within; your feelings, your conscience. That’s a pity; and that’s why I prefer the following definition:

To listen is to ingest and digest signals.

Listening starts with noticing a vibration (objective perception). This vibration resonates with something in your essence (subjective perception). You react on the basis of this resonance. Multiple signals are used to communicate a message (such as words, emotions and body language) and every signal has its own vibration. The signals transmit on as varied frequencies as we them receive.

Sometimes, the signals are less refined, crude even, such as exaggerated gesticulations made in anger. Yet, at other times the signals are more subtle, like an intuitive foray. To (be able to) register increasingly more subtle signals requires an increasingly more subtle awareness of yourself. In order to properly register these various signals, we require increasing, deeper levels of consciousness. Brain research over recent decades shows that receptiveness to these signals is associated with different frequencies of brainwaves (2). I cover this subject in chapter 3, dual-focused listening.

Distortion as an obstruction to listening

How well you register whatever is being signaled is dependent on how much you yourself distort the signal. The signal from the transmitter undergoes warping, as seen from both the objective and subjective perception. The purer the perception, the better you are able to listen. In chapters 2 through 8 I cover various types of distortion. You’ll learn how to strengthen your listening skills by discovering just which distortions you yourself host.

One of the basic models in which communication and distortion each play their role, is that of Shannnon & Weaver (3). Their model records an initial form of distortion; external distortion. Distortion from outwith. However, both external and internal distortion can exist in human communication. The communication link may be disrupted by a one-sided internal distortion. (4) If you’re tired, you’ll might yawn. At that point you’re unable to listen as well, and there’s a risk your partner in conversation may interpret this yawn incorrectly. Whilst you’re only intimating that you’re tired, the interpretation may be that you are uninterested. Whether or not a message can be communicated, unfiltered, depends to what extent the transmitter (sender) and the receiver are aware of the distortion. The more able both sender and receiver are to reject distortion, so too the signal’s strength and clarity increases. In our listening, human listening, internal distortion plays a far greater role than external distortion. The description of internal distortions and the strategies to accommodate them form the lion’s share of this book.

1.2 Three orientations that influence the manner of listening

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

CONFUCIUS

How does distortion influence the way you listen? That very much depends upon with which part of yourself, you listen. In other words, what’s your orientation? We distinguish three parts to being human: the personality, the ego and the essence.

Personality

(The) Personality plays an important role in psychology. Various descriptions offer an impression of personality. Examples include: Personality is a complex sum of characteristics attributed to a given person (1). Or: Personality is a unique and stable pattern of internal and external behavioural characteristics through which an individual may distinguish himself from another (2).

In their plays, the ancient Greeks made use of masks to portray characters and emotions. They called these masks a ‘persona’. Persona is a derivative from the verb per sonare: to sound through. The mask could be attractive or less so, portray anger or delight, be large or small, just as with real people. Everyone has their own characteristics and displays specific behaviour, making them unique.

Therefore, you can view personality as a layer through which you allow something to be seen or heard. From that point of view, you might imagine personality not all that important, however charming or unique. I mean simply, that it is as an instrument, of use only when played the right way and for the right purpose. The question is, what could, or should the personality reflect or display?

Research shows us that during a lifetime, the personality is susceptible to change, in reaction to life events (3). A part of the personality is malleable, but does it also contain a constant part? Religious people may find such a constant part a natural thing, but scientists are not all convinced. What I can imagine as coming closest to that constant part, and what I experience, furthermore, is silence. However, let’s first of all, view personality in its variable aspect.

The changeable part, or: the ego(-parts)

The malleable, or, changeable part of the personality is a composite part. It consists of ego-parts, that together form the ego. Ego-parts are interrelated experiences of reality (thoughts, emotions, observations and memories) that at one time or another have been placed outwith consciousness. The process which governs this is called, dissociation. A dissociated ego-part, as such, is more like a temporary dream state that usually bears little influence on your consciousness. We pretty much all experience this, at one time or another. Not all that consciously, you drive home, oblivious to the time, and all of a sudden, you’ve arrived.

However, dissociation also occurs in what Freud called splitting (4). In this process a split off part of the ego continues to exist. Imagine a small child whose parent has died. The child knows the parent is gone, but the experience is too painful to think about. To accommodate this, the child may simultaneously perpetuate the illusion that the parent yet lives. The ego-part that believes the parent alive will, from time to time, exert influence on the child’s consciousness. Ego-parts may exert this influence for many years.

The ego-parts exist, therefore, through interaction between the person(ality) and the surroundings, where the survival of the personality (apparently) is threatened. An ego-part was born at exactly that moment, to ensure survival. The personality is to some extent intertwined with these ego-parts. The more conscious you are of your ego-parts, the more freedom you will experience. In other words, you can choose to act differently from how you otherwise would, given your pre-programmed ego-part. Every extreme lifestyle that is adhered to can lead to deformation. And so, deformation will occur in an egocentric lifestyle. An example of this deformation would be fighting battles (arguments, court cases, war) to get what you want. At the same time, the ego also ensures continuity. It ensures that you know where home is and where you were an hour ago. In short, ego, amongst other things, takes care of self-maintenance and the stability of one’s personality.

The constant part, or: the essence

The constant part is separate and independent from the changeable part. I refer to that constant part as the essence. Personality and the ego cannot influence the essence, otherwise it would simply be changeable. Also, personality cannot directly perceive the essence, but can experience it, namely through silence.

In my experience, you can also consciously perceive an echo of the essence. If you release all ego-parts, an ego-less situation will come into being. The unchangeable, the essence, can form an intuition in your consciousness, that exerts itself through thoughts and emotions. The changeable part with its ego-parts is then, in turn, able to influence this.

The three orientations in summary

I see us as composite creatures, comprising three parts: the ego on the one hand, the essence on the other; with these two influencing the personality.

• Amongst other things the ego’s function is one of self-maintenance and the prolonged stability of one’s personality. The ego is primarily focused on one’s self (I).

• Then there is the neutral, self-aware personality. Your personality facilitates contact with other people, and you focus on the other person (YOU).

• With the essence you can circumvent the distortion that exists between yourself and the other person. With the essence you can focus on the big picture (IT).

In this way, you are able to listen with three orientations. Firstly, the orientation on yourself, secondly, your orientation is on someone else, and thirdly, your orientation is on the big picture (see figure 1).

Figure 1: The manner of listening is dependent on three orientations

If you can release the distortion, you’ll be able to switch in orientation; away from yourself, via the other person, to an orientation on the big picture. Let’s look more closely at the three orientations.

Orientation on yourself (I)

Multiple factors will influence you as you listen. Your own internal state of being, for starters. If you are very emotional, you’ll listen differently as to when you are at peace. With the orientation on yourself, you can connect with yourself. You become aware of your inner state. This can be whilst connecting to others, but also whilst alone. You become conscious of your energy levels, your needs, your emotions and your convictions. With the orientation on yourself, you may become conscious of your ego-parts. On the one hand, ego-parts can help you feel anchored in your surroundings, but they can also make it difficult to listen to somebody else. In other words, your ego-parts can also get in the way. To know yourself in this regard (by listening carefully to yourself), you are able to release the ego-parts if necessary. Without ego-parts getting in the way, you are better equipped to listen to someone.

Orientation on the other person (YOU)

When you listen to someone, your attention is drawn outwards, towards the other person. I call this orientation ‘orientation on the other person’. In this orientation, personalities meet. Important aspects here are: boundaries, attention and empathy.

When you connect with someone, you’ll decide to what degree are you open for that connection. The sum of all experiences turns a moment of contact into a meeting. And inasmuch as you’re conscious of it, you can make a personality driven choice. Do you connect ego-driven, or with an orientation on the essence?

If you connect via the ego, the meeting will be fed by an orientation on yourself, for self-maintenance. This focus is conducive to loneliness and can lead to the realisation that in ego terms, you can never be together with an ‘other’. At this point, distortion plays a big role in the meeting. Being led by the distortion, it can be difficult to focus on the overarching goal, the reason you are together. But, as soon as you are aware of the distortion, and you shift your focus to the essence, you are able to give your attention the big picture. This orientation enables a connection to turn into a meeting that promotes unity instead of loneliness.

Orientation on the big picture (IT)

The big picture is the world in which the speaker and the listener find themselves. This forms the context of the overarching goal, the reason you are listening. To really connect well with this, you must come free of both the orientation on yourself and on the other person. With an orientation on the big picture, you relinquish all distortion in communication, and devote yourselves together to your shared, higher goal. By being oriented on the big picture, you will become open to total focus, non-judgmentalism and intuition.

By switching from ‘I’ via ‘you’ to ‘it’, step by step, you’ll free yourself from distortion.

1.3 Seven listening levels with three orientations

“Listening is active. At its most basic level, it’s about focus, paying attention.”

SIMON SINEK

Listening on different levels

When asked what I’m good at, I always say, ‘listening’. I usually follow that up by saying that I function as translation agency. You can get a message across on many different levels. For me, the challenge is to translate the received message into a message that has meaning to me, or to shift my consciousness to the level from whence the message came. And that’s the simple version, when someone delivers a single message.

If the speaker sends multiple messages, I’ll have to ask myself whether or not they’ve all been consciously received. Let’s assume I can receive them all, consciously. In that case, the next question is, to what extent are the messages aligned? If the contents of the messages don’t measure up, how then to deal with the incongruency, the mismatch, so to speak? Imagine that a speaker communicates that on an intellectual level, he agrees with you, but on an emotional level he’s transmitting anger. It’s up to you as listener to choose how to deal with this incongruency. Whether or not you receive the message and how you choose to deal with it is dependent on your ability to receive. The extent to which you experience distortion in yourself dictates this ability; your openness to accepting messages. In this way, we can organise the extent of your listening to the extent of your receptivity; or, in other words, the extent to which you discover and release distortion.

I found the initial inspiration and recognition for the listening levels in Steven Covey’s books. In his book, ‘The seven habits of highly effective people’ (1), he describes five levels of listening. A disadvantage of his description is that he accords the levels a normative value. The higher the level, the better you listen. I recognise different sorts of listening, every one of them with their own qualities, but neither are better nor worse than the other. They are different qualities, their deployment dependent on your goals. Especially Covey’s book ‘The 3rd Alternative’ (2), in which he describes creative collaboration, inspired me to think in terms of complementary levels.

Seven sorts of distortion

We can organise the extent of your listening to the extent of your receptivity. The focus on protecting your inner self will shift to a complete openness to everything that is. And, in this state of openness you will discover increasingly subtle forms of distortion. Both in my life and work, I distinguish seven sorts of distortion.

The first sort of distortion simply comes from the fact that you’ve no energy to listen. You’re too tired. Or, you might just have had an emotionally draining conversation with a colleague. You need all your energy just to manage your energy, as it were. Your lack of energy creates distortion, and you are unable to listen.

The second kind of distortion comes when something distracts your attention. Imagine, you arrive at work and a colleague says, “Hi, I cycled to work, this morning.” You think; a bicycle. I have a bike at home too. It has a puncture and I need to get it repaired. Before you know it, you’re thinking about having it repaired, whilst your colleague wanted to say, “I cycled to work this morning, when I had an accident”. Your lack of attention has created distortion, and you were not able to listen.

The third form of distortion occurs when you want something really badly. A patient comes to see you for the fourth time within a month with symptoms of chronic fatigue. Your diagnosis points to the patient simply taking on too much work. You think, not again, not another conversation that leads nowhere. You just can’t stomach it and you’d rather prescribe a sedative. Your own desires create distortion, and you are not able to listen.

The fourth kind of distortion appears, when you cannot, so to speak be present in the moment. There are either too many, or too few emotions. A customer calls and immediately starts to rant. You’re frightened and want to solve the complaint straight away. Your fear creates distortion, and you are unable to listen.

You’ll recognise the fifth sort of distortion by the objections surfacing in your own mind. Imagine you have a meeting with the director to discuss an important report, which you wrote. He’s late and comes in without a word of greeting and gets straight down to business. What are you thinking? Something doesn’t sit right with you. Your judgment creates distortion, and you are unable to listen.

You’ll notice the sixth form of distortion when your ego is not sufficiently satisfied. Your team is brainstorming, and someone negates your every contribution. What do you do? Perhaps you think, hey, what about me? My ideas are just as good as anyone else’s. Your egoism creates distortion, and you are unable to listen.

Lastly, the seventh form of distortion concerns everything that disturbs the silence within yourself. The second you register a thought or emotion whilst connecting with someone else, that silence is broken. Your own ego distorts, and you are unable to listen.

These seven forms of distortion each require a different form of listening. That’s why, with listening, I acknowledge seven levels. At every level the attention shifts from a closedness and self-oriented quality, to a greater acknowledgement of the other person, or even of something else. The seven levels of listening are displayed in figure 2. The art of listening lies in the ability to shift between the levels. When you release the distortion on every level, you listen with a maximum impact.

Below, I describe the 7 listening levels and how the three orientations (I, you, it) take shape on every level.

1. Self-focused listening, distortion through a lack of energy

With self-focused listening, your seclusion is at an optimum. You attend to your internal goal(s). You are not connecting with the other person; in fact, you don’t listen to the other person. This may be because you’re concentrating hard on a particular activity. It could be that you are completely engulfed in your own reality. It’s possible, too, that you win some time that way. When you absorb yourself in a private activity, you don’t lose time on communication. Or, you may just want to manage your energy levels. Perhaps you’re too tired or over-stimulated to connect. You preserve your energy to manage your inner world.

Figure 2: Listening on seven levels by letting go of the distortion

Every level of listening is equally valuable and serves its own function when we are connecting with one another.

With self-focused listening, your partner in conversation will see nothing by way of an outward reaction in you. You don’t look at the other person. You say and do nothing special. You focus your attention on something else than the other person (your inward reaction). In particular, your internal reality is of importance. Everything must yield to that. Even an emotion such as sadness, may, if present within you, be enough to interfere with you reaching your internal goal. You may, then, ignore such emotions.

With self-focused listening, your aim is self-care. Distortion on this level will usually come from a lack of energy.

With the orientation on yourself, you conserve your energy. By being oriented on the other person, you create and guard your limits. And, with your orientation on the big picture you attempt to gain self-knowledge, that you may be free of self-focused listening.

You can find more about self-focused listening in Chapter 2.

2. Dual-focused listening, distortion through a lack of attention

With dual-focused listening your attention is divided between yourself (or something else) and the other person. You have every intention of connecting, but you allow yourself to be distracted. Something in you, (a thought, or a feeling) or external to you, (someone else in the meeting) draws your attention. The distraction hampers your ability to listen. As you’re listening, you’re required to attend to your own thoughts or feelings. This might be because the subject of conversation isn’t interesting enough, or because you’ve been triggered by something someone at the meeting said and instead of listening you attend to your own stream of thought. It may also be that something has affected you, such that your attention is required to process it internally. In this latter case, you shift to self-focused listening.

An outward sign that you are dually-focused whilst listening is that you say things like, ‘yes, yes’, but you couldn’t repeat what the other person has said. Your internal reaction is an automatic shift of focus. In the shift from self-focused to dual-focused listening you release the energy required to accommodate yourself. You can do this if you’ll become conscious of your own triggers and your surroundings. But, if triggered anew, you will be neither cognitively nor emotionally aligned to what the other person is saying.

With dual-focused listening you have every intention of connecting. On this level, the distortion comes predominantly in the form of a lack of attention. With the orientation on yourself, you become aware of every level of your consciousness. And, in orientation on the other person, you’ll learn what causes your attention to be led astray. To let go of this level, you must try to be completely observant of your orientation on the big picture.

You can read more about dual-focused listening in chapter 3.

3. Selective listening, distortion by selfish desires

With selective listening your attention is with the other person, but only as far as what the other person is saying serves your purpose. You recognise that what the other person is saying is pertinent to what you want. You emphasise the importance of your goal over the potential goal of the other person.

You want to protect your own interest. By bringing focus to that interest, so too, do you bring focus to the dialogue.

With selective listening you signal (non-)verbally that you’ve understood what the other person has said. Your internal reaction is to ask yourself; is my interest being served? If yes, then you’ll listen; if not, then you’ll return to one of the previous listening levels. With selective listening you listen predominantly to that which serves your interest.

With selective listening you attend only to parts of what the other person is saying. Distortion at this level comes predominantly from your own selfish desires, from your own goals. With the orientation on yourself, you defend your own needs. With the orientation on the other person, you discover their intentions and you question whether or not they are aligned with your objective. To let go of this level, you’ll have to try to be fully observant in your orientation on the big picture based on a sense of freedom to explore interests.

You can read more about selective listening in chapter 4.

4. Empathic listening, distortion by your fear

With empathic listening you are genuinely interested in people’s underlying emotions. In that regard, the actual content of speech is less important. You’re focused on making an emotional connection.

The empathic listener listens with feeling and shows genuine engagement. With intense focus, you’re led by feeling and less so by what someone actually says. Your internal reaction is that you’re in touch with your own feelings and from there, with those of the other person. You reach understanding on the basis of an internal registering of emotion.

With empathic listening your focus is not so much on the content. The distortion at this level comes mainly from inhibitive feelings, such as fear. With the orientation on yourself, you are conscious of your own emotions. With the orientation on the other person, you listen empathically to the emotions of the other person. To let go of this level, you should try to shift your orientation to the big picture, and from the perspective of a non-personal love, you should try to fully comprehend your emotions and those of the other person.

You can read more about empathic listening in chapter 5.

5. Cognitive listening, distortion by your judgment

With cognitive listening, you are open to everything that the other person says. However, you are listening with your frame of reference. You’ll have an opinion on what the other person has to say, but you will be able to relinquish your own point of view, or interest, if the new information is sufficiently convincing. You’re actively in search for information. Ultimately, by exchanging arguments, you try to reach an agreement, to find a solution.

You display outwardly that you are actively seeking out the thought process of the other person. You are observant of non-verbal communication; you conform your questions accordingly and you respond in an appropriate manner. Inwardly, your head is working hard to find a solution. You listen to everything the other person has to say, but with your own frame of reference.

With cognitive listening you are predominantly absorbed with the content. Distortion on this level will come from judgment. With orientation on yourself, you are conscious of your own convictions. With oriention on the other person you listen, inspired to formulate a mutual higher goal. To let go of this level, try to focus on the big picture, to release your own frame of reference, that you might listen without judging.

You can read more about cognitive listening in chapter 6.

6. Synergetic listening, distortion by your egoism.

With synergetic listening, your focus is to create added value for yourself and for the other person. You listen predominantly to that which goes beyond your frames of reference. By seeking out the unknown, you are rewarded a more complete picture of the situation. The other person’s frame of reference synergizes with your own to enrich your view. You both find solutions bigger and better than you would otherwise have found, on your own.

Outwardly, your reaction is to say, “yes, and…” You help the other person to solve his problems without offering solutions or giving advice. You think out loud so that the other person can reflect on your thought process. Your internal reaction is that you submit your reference points to inspection.

With synergetic listening your focus is on creation. Distortion on this level comes from selfish wish lists and goals that pose an obstacle to free creation. With the orientation on yourself, you are conscious of your unique talent. With the orientation on the other person you aim to co create better solutions than you would otherwise find on your own. To be rid of obstacles at this level, you attempt to surrender yourself, as you focus on the big picture.

You can read more about synergetic listening in chapter 7.

7. Silent listening, distortion by stirrings of the ego

By listening in a mode of silence, you’ll have no orientation. Unconsciously, you solely consider that which is. The moment you become conscious you return to one of the previous levels. At this level contact is made outside the realm of the ego-parts.

Your outward showing is one of utter, hushed attention. You don’t speak and you are as one with the world. Internally, you are unaware of your thoughts and feelings. You have no intentions. You are able to fully respond the other person.

In silent listening mode you have no real orientation. By definition there is no distortion. Only stirrings from your ego can break the silence as the only form of distortion. With the orientation on yourself, you are one with the silence within yourself. With the orientation on the other person, you create a field of silence between you. Consequential intuitive inspirations made apparent by an orientation on the bigger picture are of a superior quality than any intuitions born of the ego.

You can read more about silent listening in chapter 8.

The listening levels in summary

With every consecutive listening level your attention is moved from guarding your inner being to complete openness. Every level sees you rid distortion through shifting the orientation away from yourself (I), via orientation on the other person (YOU), towards an orientation on the big picture (IT).

The following chapters will explore the seven listening levels and their associated distortions in more depth. With every level, I’ll continuously describe the three orientations separately. Seven levels, with three orientations (I, you, it) form together 21 themes (see figure 3).

At the start of every chapter I will share the central theme relevant to that listening level. Following from there we’ll have three sections to discuss the varying orientations of that listening level. Every orientation contains a separate theme. For every theme I’ll describe the following aspects.

• The why of a theme.

• The functioning of a theme. We’ll cover here, too, how to effectively avoid the distortion.