The Other Dress

Flowers and Keyboards 2

Emmy Engberts

The Other Dress (Flowers and Keyboards 2)

Copyright © 2018 Emmy Engberts

All rights reserved. No part of this story may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without express written permission of the copyright holder.

Edition: 20190308

Blurb

We both love wearing dresses, the prettier the better.

We also both love cosplaying.

But that is where our similarities end.

Right?

Nobody would call Elliot a flashy person, he's calm and kind, spending most of his time with his nose in books or playing games. But when he's finally brave enough to cosplay loud and cheerful Aoi, a female character from Magical Princess Club!, at AmAnime it changes everything. Especially when he's swept off his feet by a girl cosplaying Sakura, Aoi's best friend.

Can he really expect more than friendship when he's dressed like someone else entirely?

Izzy lives for cosplaying and conventions. She loves dressing up as magical girls because when she slips into their characters, she transforms a little too. Cosplaying and dressmaking are her ways to deal with the discomfort she feels over the body she was born in, making her feel more like her real self.

And cosplaying at AmAnime is the highlight of her year. Meeting friends, showing off her skills... And this year, somehow being face to face with a person who makes her heart beat faster than ever before.

She's always thought that dating would be out of the question, but is it?

When Elliot and Izzy impulsively team up for the yearly cosplay contest, they may win more than just a trophy...

Note from the Author

This lovely story takes place in the Netherlands. Groningen and Utrecht are real cities. Groningen is the city I was born in and have returned to after my studies. The things that happen within this story are fictional, though.

I have chosen to write this story in British English, although there are some elements of American in it as Dutch people grow up with a lot of American TV and we do use some American loan words. Some of these have been kept in place.

Before

These days, I live my life according to the motto ‘What if I didn’t…’

- What if I didn’t wear that beautiful dress?

- What if I didn’t go to that party?

- What if I didn’t study for that test?

Some of the answers are quite simple.

If I didn’t go to the party, I’d probably miss out on having a great time with my friends, but maybe whatever else I was doing would make up for it.

If I didn’t study for the test, I’d probably fail it. This can mean that I’ll have to retake it, or I’d have to make up for it with my other grades on that subject.

I tend to ask the ‘what if I didn’t…’ question a lot when it comes to the books I have to read for my literature class. I love books, but I never seem to be able to focus on what I need to read for class, I much prefer reading fanfic. So, I’d put off reading the book, or writing the essay, until it was far too late. Which is why even though everyone knows me as a bookworm, I only barely have a passing grade on the subject. Oops.

‘What if I didn’t…’ usually doesn’t have very fun answers, which means that I will be doing the thing, just because I want to.

But my life never used to be like that. I’d never ask myself “What if I didn’t…”

Instead, I worried about what other people would think of me if I did do things.

- What would they think of me if I did wear that beautiful dress?

- What would people think about me if I did go to that party?

- What would they think of me if I did study for that test?

The answers to these questions never really satisfied me, they scared me. They never made me feel good, they made me feel like I should just stay in line, not move too much and definitely not stand out from others.

The answers made me scared that people would think badly of me. That if I wore a beautiful dress, that people would think I was showing off or trying too hard to be girly. That if I showed up to a party, that people would think I was trying to get all the attention and that people wouldn’t even want me there. That if my grades were too high, that they’d think I was a study and only doing it to show off to the teachers.

So, I never wore the dresses, I didn’t go to the parties and I only had grades high enough to pass a class, never more than that. Staying as invisible as possible, because my life was complicated enough without being scrutinised by my classmates or other people.

My life existed in greys and muted colours. My grades never surpassed those of my most average classmates and I never ever stood out, it was what I thought was best for me.

I believed that I wasn’t someone who stood out. I believed that I was average, plain, boring. I tried to blend into the background, I tried for people not to notice me, because if they did, I’d have to face their judgement, their mocking. Because I shouldn’t be standing out, I was strange enough without bringing attention to myself in other ways.

And if it wasn’t for one person, one person I didn’t even know, one person who had no idea how much she would influence me. If it wasn’t for her, I would have never been here now. I would never have stood here, I would have never stepped forward and I would never have demanded my place in the spotlights. I would have never demanded to be accepted for myself.

It’s sad that she’ll never know. Because she’s no longer here. She’ll never know how her final words have inspired me to not let anyone take my light away from me.

Her final words, because her tragic death is the only reason why I know about her.

The beautiful girl, she was my age, still in secondary school, and she killed herself. I don’t know what her motto, or her question in life was, but her life ended with the words ‘I can no longer do this’.

That’s what her final letter said, ‘I can no longer do this, I can’t keep hiding myself from the world just because they won’t accept me.’

I learned about her when my own life had lost all of its colour, I learned about her when my life was a dark charcoal colour with a few spots of black. I had little to lose at that point and couldn’t see anything that would keep me going anymore.

I remember it so clearly, that final moment of the old me. That final moment of the old and innocent me. When my mum looked at me, sitting next to my dad, holding hands, holding each other so tightly that their knuckles were white, that I could see the white outline of their tendons against the red on the sides.

I don’t know why I remember it so well, maybe because this was the first time that they told me that I had to do something. The first time that, instead of letting me take the lead, they sat down and told me that I needed help, that I needed to live my life being me, not hiding in the shadows.

Or maybe it was because I was immediately aware that this was the final moment of what my life used to be like, that everything would be different from there on out.

I didn’t know who she was before that fateful day, but I know her name now, Vicky. I know that she was in many ways like me, and that what happened to her, what she ended up doing, could have happened to me too. Though, I think my parents understood that better than I did at the time.

That day, as I came home from school, my parents were both already at home, waiting for me. Which was odd because normally I’d be alone for a couple of hours before either of them even came home. I immediately knew something was wrong.

One moment, I knew nothing, I was still unaware. I walked through the door, unsuspecting of anything ever changing, having in a way accepted the fate of never-ending grey days.

But in only a couple of minutes time, I knew about Vicky, I knew that she was also living in this dark place in her mind, and I knew that she’d killed herself.

Vicky, like me, had been born a boy, and in many ways we grew up the same way. But she had resigned herself to the shadows, only living half a life, struggling to keep her head above the water. She could no longer live hiding her true self, hiding who she really was inside, and even after she started living her life as a girl, she couldn’t get out of that depression. It had gotten too deep, and wouldn’t let her go. Depression took her because people didn’t realise that that darkness in her head didn’t have anything to do with her being trans, but everything to do with bad brain chemistry. They were so focused on treating her gender, that they never thought to look elsewhere for her darkness.

My parents didn’t ask me if I wanted to talk to them, they didn’t ask me anything that day. They told me that they didn’t want the same thing to happen to me, they didn’t want to lose me to depression too, and that they’d made an appointment with a psychologist for me.

They didn’t want to lose their daughter, they understood that this constant grey I was living in had a name, depression, and that unless I got help, I’d never get out.

That day I realised three things:

1. I didn’t want to die.

2. What is the whole purpose of life, if I didn’t live it to the fullest?

And I no longer cared about other people’s responses to the most important question of all:

3. What if I did wear that beautiful dress?

What could go wrong?

1

Anime = Short for animation = Used in Japan to refer to animated media, but in most of the rest of the world, it’s specifically used to refer to animated works from Japan. These animations are often characterised by their colourful style, the characters’ big eyes and the (overly) dramatic storylines. At least, those are the ones I like the most. I especially love the ones that are really over-the-top in their character proportions, with big eyes, really big hair and poofy dresses that stand out more than gravity should allow.

Two years ago

I roll my suitcase into the hotel room. My parents finally allowed me to attend the AmAnime convention in Amsterdam with my best friend Jason.

His parents are in the next room over and will be at the event too, but I already know that we’re probably not going to be seeing them much, luckily. They’re just here to ‘supervise’ us. We’re sixteen, so we don’t need that much ‘supervision’. Though my parents, and the people organising the con, really want people under eighteen to always have adultier adults around. Sigh.

I put the suitcase at the end of my bed and sprawl all over it, letting out a long breath. “Fiiiinally.”

Jason sits down on his own bed, grinning as he looks my way. “What? You don’t like being all folded up in a tiny car for hours on end?” He also stretches out, but it doesn’t take long before he’s sitting up again. “The event starts in an hour, we should get dressed.” He’s, of course, talking about the opening ceremony, which is supposed to be this big event with lots of cosplayers and music and everything. I’ve seen a few of them online, but I’ve never been to one, so I don’t know what to expect from it.

“Already?” I groan, but then I sit up too.

“People are already messaging me, they have been for an hour, asking where we are. They’re waiting out in the front halls for us.” He opens his suitcase and starts pulling out clothes, spreading them over his bed, sorting through them. “You don’t have to meet with them if you don’t want to, you can stay here and just play games or something.”

“No, I’m good.” I also open my suitcase and pull out the outfit I’ve got planned for today. It’s a Japanese Lolita style black dress with bright green elements and I’m wearing really high heeled shoes with it. I’ve worked on this outfit for months, I’m not letting this opportunity pass. I know I can, and will, pull this off. I take the dress and everything I’ll need with it in my arms. “I’m changing in there.” I point to the bathroom.

Jason nods. “Of course, just as long as you remember that I need help zipping this thing up later.” He grins, pointing at his back.

He’s used to me disappearing into bathrooms to get changed. I always do that, he doesn’t know any different from me. That, and I don’t really have to watch him change either. We may have been born with generally the same body parts, but he’s a lot more comfortable with them than I am.

Understatement of the century.

I close the bathroom door behind me and hang the clothes on the bath’s edge, keeping them off the floor. Then I check myself in the mirror. My eyes are wide and intense, and I can feel a little anxiety chipping away at my sanity.

I know I’ll be fine. Rationally, I know that I’ll be fine and that there won’t be any problems. Jason has said so himself, there is nothing to worry about when we’re here, no matter what happens. Still, it’s one thing to dress up all cute when everyone around you just identifies you in a binary way: boy, girl. But AmAnime is known for having a lot of cosplayers and crossplayers around, so people may not identify me the way I want to...

And even after years of living as a girl, that still scares me more than it maybe has to. I don’t know. I’ve not been misgendered in months, if not for more than a year. But this isn’t a situation I’ve encountered before, a place where people’s genders and gender expressions are a little fluid to begin with.

I sigh. I’ve been so looking forward to today, I’ve been waiting all year to attend, but now I’m actually here, I’m starting to freak out a little.

What if people... What if people are going to make an issue with how I dress? Or the way I act? Or the way I am?

Jason knocks on the door. “Izzy.” His voice is calm, but I know he’s checking up on me.

“Yeah?” I look up, breaking the staring contest I’m having with myself.

“I’m not hearing you move. Come on, get changed.” He’s so excited, even though he tries to be calm for me, and I can’t help that his cheer lifts my own mood too.

“Yeah, yeah.” I quickly strip off the leggings and comfy dress I wore during the car ride here. Then I look at the outfit I’m about to put on and sigh. “Moving now, you can stop standing there.”

“I know, I can hear you.” Jason laughs. “Going to put on some music, get in the mood and everything.” He walks away from the door, and I can hear him stream some J-pop from this phone to his portable speakers.

I sit down on the side of the bath, taking off my socks and sliding on the fishnet stockings, trying not to get stuck in them. Today I’m not going as some anime character, cosplaying is for tomorrow when the real convention starts, instead, I’m wearing a cute gothic lolita style dress. When my stockings are on, I quickly put on the pristine white socks with the frilly edge, to go with my shoes, and then I stand up and pull on the dress. While the sleeves and skirt are all pretty and fiddly, the body of it is plain, but that’s because I’ve got a corset to go over it. That was the one thing of this outfit that took me months to finish, the corset, but the end result is definitely worth it.

I look around, realising I’ve left something in my bag. “Jason!”

“Yeah?”

“Can you get me the black petticoat from my bag?” I open the door a little.

Jason moves around the room and is back with the petticoat in no time. “Here.”

I take it, pulling it into the bathroom. Then I close the door again. I’m not going to flash him while putting this on, no way. I smile a little as I think about it. Yeah, flashing Jason wouldn’t even surprise him, he’d probably find it funny. Strange guy.

I pull the petticoat on and then pull the dress over it, smoothing them both down. I check myself in the mirror again, plucking at the top of my dress. I wish I had more to fill out the bust, but that’s the advantage of making clothes yourself, you can just design the fit to hide the things you don’t want people to see, like my lack of cleavage.

Which will be different soon, hopefully. I’m definitely old enough now. As I think back to the conversation I had with my parents last night, I’m fairly sure that I’ll be taking the next steps in my transition in not too long.

Then I grab my old clothes and get out of the bathroom, making sure I enter with flair and a quick spin to show off the skirt, of course, which suits a dress like this.

Jason stares at me. “That, with heels and a corset?” His eyebrows go up.

“Yes.” I grin.

“Wow.” He grins too. “I should have gotten myself a bodyguard outfit instead.”

“Hey...” My cheeks flare up, and I quickly drop my clothes on the bed. “You know I can kick anyone’s butt any day.” My parents insisted I take some classes in self-defence when I was younger, just so I would be less of a target.

“I know.” Jason turns his back to me. “Can you zip me up? I’m not as flexible as you are.”

“Sure.” I pull the back of his dress tighter and then zip him up. We’re somewhat of a matching pair. I’m all black and green, and he’s all black and white, both wearing similar styles of dresses, though mine is a little more extravagant. “I’m going to need you to do my makeup, though.”

“Of course.” He grabs his makeup bag, pulling a chair between the beds and puts the bag on it, going through it. “I actually got you some fake lashes for today, if you want them.”

“Which ones?” I normally wear my own, but for this look I’ve just got plain black fluttery ones, nothing too extravagant.

“Green.” Jason grins. “Should match your dress.” He picks up a small box from the bag. “Check them out.”

I open the little box, and he’s right, they’re bright green, a close match to the details on my dress, and they’re really soft and long. “Wow. Thanks. How much do I owe you?”

“Nothing.” Jason winks. “Got them in a two-for-one sale at a new place I was trying out. They had the perfect lashes for the cosplay I’m doing tomorrow.”

“You have to stop doing that. Just giving me stuff when you feel like it.” I pick up the green lashes. They do look really nice, if a little strange, but that’s not a bad thing in this case.

“You make me things that would have otherwise cost me a lot of money, or repair some of my clothes when I ruin them. This is the least I can do.” He sits down on his bed. “What are you looking for? Anything specific you want with the makeup?”

I shake my head. “Nah, with these lashes... Just something simple would be good.”

“Okay.” Jason leans in. “I hope you’re ready to have a lot of pictures taken.”

I shrug. “Isn’t that what this weekend is all about?”

I’m not sure what I expected of the opening ceremony, but I don’t think this was it exactly... There are a lot of people waiting around in the hallway, and I’m a little overwhelmed as I look around. Most of the people here are dressed up, though many are just in regular clothes too, probably half-half. Wow.

Jason keeps hold of the sleeve of my dress as he looks over the crowd. The guy is tall, but today he’s wearing heels, which makes him easier taller than almost anyone here. “Ah.” He waves and then turns to his parents. “The people I’m meeting are at the other end of the hall. The guy with the pink hair and the white princess dress is one of them.” He points.

His mum looks over and nods. “Just be careful, please?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Jason grins.

Careful? Him? Us? Yeah, not likely.

“Are you going with him?” Jason’s mum looks at me. “You can always find us or just call us. We’ll probably be at the cafe upstairs.”

“I’m going with him.” I’ve gotten a little used to all the excitement now and am calm enough to be curious again.

“Good. Have fun.” She grins and then takes her husband’s arm, and they walk off.

“Come on.” Jason tugs on my arm a little. “You really need to meet Ruby, he’s awesome. And I think you’ll get along well with him, he makes his own dresses too.” Jason starts dragging me through the hallway, through the crowd.

I do my best not to get stabbed by weapons or hit in the face with bags and hair. But, we make it to the other end without getting hurt, too much. Yay.

As we get out of the crowd, I’m faced with a sight I should have expected, though I’m still not prepared. We’re standing in front of a group of people who’re wearing some of the most extravagant outfits I’ve seen yet. If I thought that I’d stand out in my black and green dress with the green fake lashes, I shouldn’t have worried. These people... they definitely stand out more than I do.

“Jay!” A guy with a pink wig and in a big white dress comes over, taking Jason into a hug.

“Ruby.” Jason laughs, wrapping his arms around the other man. “You look extra princess-y today.”

“I did my best.” Ruby laughs, then he looks at me, smiling. “Do you hug?”

I nod.

Ruby steps closer and lets me initiate the hug. When I wrap my arms around him for a hug, he takes me in his arms and whirls me around, spinning us a couple of times. “You’re adorable. I love that dress.” He lets me go again, and I have to take a moment to get my breath back.

“Thank you. Made it myself.” I feel my cheeks heat up a little.

“Cool. I’m Ruby, as you’ve probably heard. And you are?”

“I’m Izzy.”

“Izzy? So you’re the one Jay is always bragging about.” Ruby eyes Jason. “I don’t think your description did her justice.” He grins. “Okay, let’s get you introduced to the rest of the group.” He turns around. “So, everyone, this is Izzy. Izzy, this is the strange group of people who Jason hangs out with when he goes to conventions.”

A guy with black hair and also a black and green outfit comes over, looking at me closely before he smiles. “I’m Kevin, and I believe I’ve met my match for the evening. And those lashes rock.”

I’m pretty sure that these people aren’t as scary as I made them out to be in my head. Just like Jason, they seem to just accept that I dress this way and am who I say I am.

This could turn into a very cool weekend. And this definitely could be the first time I get to share my passion of geeky and creative things with a lot of people instead of just one or two friends.

This convention thing rocks!

2

Cosplay = Costume play = Dressing up as a character from an anime, manga, film or even a band. Cosplayers, people who cosplay, often try to get as close to the original character’s looks as they can, but will also play the personality, accents and things like that to get the whole package. Many of the costumes take months or even longer than that to make, as trying to find the right materials to recreate an outfit or weapon can be a real adventure. But that is what I enjoy about doing it most, the adventure, the challenge.

Now

I never really thought much about how people look at girls who cosplay as female characters. To be fair, I’ve had my share of times that I stared at a girl in a sexy outfit as she passed me by, but that was always because, you know, that was what I thought was normal. I enjoy looking at girls who dress nicely because I enjoy looking at girls, in my mind, it was that simple.

I also know how some people look at guys who cosplay as female characters, especially the ones who play a very over-the-top kind of female character and how they combine their masculinity with the female character’s outfit and personality.

But for me, neither of these things were things that I would think about very much. Usually… That was, until I found myself cosplaying a female character at an anime convention and had to consider both of these views at the same time.

The thing is, I’m not broad, I’m not bulky, I’m not even very tall. So, while I can easily cosplay the lankier male characters from most anime, the really masculine characters were never something that I thought I could pull off. But on the other side of things, there’s been something I’ve been hoping to cosplay as one day, even though I’d never shared that idea with anyone until a few months back.

I’ve always wanted to cosplay a female character, a magical girl character specifically. There’s just something about them, their strength and their cheeriness, that has always attracted me to them. Well, that and the dresses... I don’t know. Cosplaying a magical girl character has always been one of those things I wished I could do, that I wished I could pull off and that I wished I had the courage for. Only, I’ve always been too scared, too anxious, too nervous, never daring to really step out of my comfort zone.

But not this year, this year I’m going to crossplay Aoi from the Magical Princess Club! Anime, and it’s made me really, really nervous.

Most anime and gaming conventions I tend to go with a group of friends, but this year they’re too busy working during summer break to come along. They’re trying to save up money for a gaming convention later this year, so they don’t want to spend it all on this convention first. Well, most of them anyway, one of my friends is still here with me, Mya. Though, I’m pretty sure that she wouldn’t skip any anime or gaming convention that she could attend, within reason, because she loves them.

Even though it’s going to be just the two of us, I appreciate that I won’t be on my own this weekend, that I won’t be on my own when I’m going out in public in a dress for the first time. Not that she’ll be at my side the whole time, she’ll probably be off doing her own thing this weekend most of the time anyway, but it’s nice to have her here.

Mya is not as much into cosplaying as the rest of us are, she’s here for the swag, the collectables and the fan-items. The most she’s ever done for cosplaying is putting on a pair of dark jeans, a white t-shirt, some smudged eyeliner and putting her hair up so that it looks all short and fuzzy. I don’t really think that can even be considered ‘cosplay’ to be honest. But I don’t mind that she’s not into it so much, it means that when we travel together, she can drag some of my props and bags for me, since she won’t have as many. I’ve gotta make use of our situation somehow, right? It’s not like she doesn’t do the same thing with me either, especially when we go to game releases, and she makes me stand in line, keeping her spot, as she walks off to talk to people she knows. What else are friends for?

Of course, when I’m nervous, I start thinking in weird ways and rambling inside my head. This AmAnime is even worse than usual because I’m doing something scary, for me anyway, I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone big time. Luckily, most people here don’t really know me or recognise me that well, so I don’t feel as scared of their judgements as I would of my friends. And Mya already knows about all of it, so it’s not really a surprise to her.

This year is the first year I’m not just cosplaying, I’m crossplaying all weekend, and even my non-cosplay outfits for this weekend are a bit more on the feminine side.

What most of my friends I normally attend cons with don’t know is that I regularly crossdress. I wear women’s clothes, dresses, skirts, frilly shirts, things like that. I also finish the look off with a long-haired wig, since my hair is way too short to do anything interesting with. Mya has helped me out a lot with clothes and makeup in the last months, and she’s been great about it all. It’s always nice to have someone at your side who at least understands you somewhat. Or, well, someone who doesn’t mind answering silly questions, mostly.

I take a deep breath as I walk into the large hall of the convention building, a little nervous as I keep glancing around me. Today, I’m wearing a black unisex cotton skirt with chains running across it and a fishnet shirt. It’s not exactly crossdressing, but it’s still on the more androgynous side of things. My other option for his outfit was a tight black shirt with floral lace patterns, but I’m not brave enough to put that on today, not for the opening show of the event. I may feel braver later in the evening, but for right now, I’m not doing it, going like this took me long enough. I just spent twenty minutes in front of a mirror doing my makeup while Mya was on the bed reading a manga. It took her not even two minutes to put on some eyeliner and be done with it.

“Elliot!” Mya waves, motioning for me to come over.

“You were suddenly gone.” I glare at her. We stepped out of the elevators and she’d suddenly disappeared from my side.

“Yeah, sorry. Saw someone. Don’t worry, I’m not running off. You want to wait here until the opening show or go outside for a moment?” Mya keeps moving, all energetic.

“Let’s go outside.” It’s seriously hot this weekend, and I’m not so sure anymore if the cosplays I’ve got planned for the event will be a good idea. They may be too hot and stuffy. Though, once you’re through the front hall into the main part, those are usually pretty okay in temperature. But right now, it may be a little less overly hot outside.

We walk to the front doors, showing our festival bracelets to the guy at the doors as we step outside. Outside it’s just as hot as inside, but at least there is a little breeze here.

We go over to some picnic tables at the side of the building and sit down. Mya immediately pulls out her phone, scrolling through something and then shows me the screen.

“We really need to find this stand tomorrow.” She grins. Mya is showing me a picture of a stand with what appears to be fan art of some popular manga and anime, including some fan-made mangas. “Their description lists it as having some Destruction of Elysium anime fan art, which, you know, I always need more of.”

“Really?” I take her phone, trying to find something in the picture that could tell me more, but it’s too small, and there is too much going on. “Do you think they’ll have some Deimos and Athena art? That would be awesome.” Destruction of Elysium started out as a video game but they also made some anime seasons because of how popular it was. This season, they’re not running a new season of the anime but the last one was last winter. There is some really interesting fan art of two of the main characters going around, which I would love to get my hands on. I cosplayed Deimos, one of the main characters in the anime, last year at this convention. “Maybe I should have gone as Deimos this year too... They could have given me a discount at the stand, maybe.” I grin.

Mya smiles, shaking her head. “I don’t know. I don’t think that they would really do things like that though... Plus, hey, you finally get to cosplay the character of your dreams, a magical girl.”

I nod, though my smile falters a little. “Still, I wish you’d also cosplayed as someone from the anime, even just a side character. I’ll feel so obvious when I’m playing Aoi on my own tomorrow.”

Mya keeps smiling. “I know that you’ll be fine. There’s nothing to worry about. The cosplay looks great, and I’ll already be carrying your things, remember?” She grins now. “I won’t be your distraction but I’ll be your mule all weekend. Seems like a fair tradeoff, right?”

I reach out to her, and she takes my hand, squeezing it a little.

“You know that I’m right.” Mya winks.

“Yeah, I know.” I sigh. “Just nerves.”

“I know.” Her gaze softens. “They’ll be gone tomorrow. Like always, you’ll get into character, and all the nerves will be gone like they were never there, that always happens with you.”

“Yeah.” I squeeze her hand too. They may be gone tomorrow, but they aren’t yet today.

From behind us, someone raises their voice. “The opening ceremony is about to start. Anyone who wants to watch, you better get inside.”

I grin, standing up. AmAnime always has really cool opening ceremonies, with acts and cosplayers and some actors and things like that on stage, introducing the panels and the signings and everything. It’s an experience.

I take a deep breath as I tug Mya along with me. Time to start the weekend!

I check myself in the mirror again. This morning I woke up and I immediately knew that something was wrong... I don’t know what it was, but it seems I had a reaction to some makeup or cleaner or whatever and now I have a patch of red skin on my jaw. Not fun. I was able to hide it with make-up, but it’s not perfect. I’m just hoping it doesn’t get too much worse. You can’t really see anything right now, it’s just itchy, but that doesn’t mean that it won’t be visible again in another hour or two, I’ll have to keep an eye on it.

“Elliot.” Mya sighs, standing in the doorway. “You can’t cover it more than you already have, unless you pull a bag over your head, but that would ruin your hair.”

I glare her way. There is no way I’m letting anything near my hair, the twin ponytails with ribbons were hard enough to put in the first time, I’m not redoing them.

“Well then.” She shrugs. “It’s covered up. I’ll tell you if something starts sneaking out again or something.” She’s just a little too relaxed for my taste.

“Yeah, yeah...” I take a deep breath. “Can I just be nervous for a bit?” I fluff at the hem of the dress, making the ruffles more even, trying to not think about leaving the room just yet.

“You’ve been nervous all morning, and last night, and the whole of last week.” Mya rolls her eyes. “I kind of want to get to one or two stands before they run out of prints, you know?”

“I know, I know.” I push away from the sink. “I guess it’s time to get moving then.”

“Yay.” Mya grins. “Finally.” She almost jumps up and down, but then glances my way.

“Hey.” I glare her way again, but can’t help my own smile. She’s right. I’ve been trying to hide in here long enough.

I leave the bathroom and give Mya my wallet before I slide my phone into the top of my dress. If you don’t have anything to fill the top of a dress with yourself, it makes an excellent spot for phone storage. Although, I know that some people who do have enough to fill the bodice of a dress do it too, but you know, still handy.

“You’ll be fine, you know that.” Mya puts her hand on my arm. “You look great. The cosplay is spot on. Not many people are going to take a second look at you being you, they’re going to see Aoi.”

“I just.” I sigh. “I don’t want to look strange. I don’t want people to like... stare at me and stuff.”

“Everyone is going to stare, but that’s because your cosplays are always so good. You know that. This time the only difference is that you feel different about being dressed like this. You felt like that when you started crossdressing too, remember? And now you’re actually crossplaying one of your favourite characters of all time at an event that you know is going to be a safe place to do so. I’m pretty sure that’s brave and cool, no matter how you look at it.” She smiles. Mya is always my biggest supporter, even when I don’t always deserve it. Like when I complain way too much to her.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.” She shrugs a little.

I nod. “Let’s go.”

Time to face the world, time to do this. Time to be someone I really want to be for a day.

Time to not stumble and fall flat on my face the first time someone looks my way, or trip over my own shoes.

My stomach is all in knots and I feel a little sick from nerves... Why did I think this was a good idea again?

3

Genderswap = When a female character is portrayed as a male character or a male character as a female character. This also includes genderneutral characters, though genderswapping from or to a genderneutral character is less common. Genderswapping is common in fan art and other fan projects of anime or game characters, it gives the creators of the fan project a certain freedom to try out things with a character in a different context than they would usually be able to do. Genderswapping can be done poorly, in ways that alienate or harm transgender, crossdressing or other gender non-conforming people, but that’s not always the case. I’ve seen it being done both ways, it happens. I’ve not done any genderswaps of characters myself, I’ve got enough on my gender plate as it is, but I’ve got a lot of friends who do it. Including last year, when Jason genderswapped Athena, the main female character from the Destruction of Elysium anime.

Jason lifts my hair up as I clip in another extension, so many of them, way too many. Sometimes it would be so much easier if I’d just wear wigs, but they’re really uncomfortable when it’s hot, especially when you have long hair that you have to hide under it. I don’t like it. So, instead, I get to do a lot of work with extensions and clips and other things to make my hair look longer and bigger and poofier, and to get it to stay in the shape that it has to be in. Luckily, cosplaying Sakura from Magical Princess Club! means that I can mostly let my hair flow and do its thing. It just needs to have a lot more volume and poofiness.

Most of the time, this is the better solution for me, but when you have to do this with pigtails and things like that... Sometimes my head really hurts at the end of the day and I curse myself. I do it all to make the best cosplay that I can, including the hair.

Sighing, I move my shoulders and neck. We’ve been getting dressed for the last hour and I’m ready to be done with it. Luckily, we’re on the final steps, just the hair and then touching up on the makeup.

“Already regretting your choice?” Jason laughs, then he sits down on his bed. “You could have gone for something a little less... extravagant, you know?”

I shake my head, grinning. “You know that at the next convention, there are going to be fifty Sakuras. I just have to make sure I’m the first, or, you know, one of the first.”

Jason lets out a short laugh. “Right. Remind me again why I let you do this to me each year? You make the clothes, and you’ll wear them, but I have to do all the makeup and hair and stuff for you.”

“Because you know that it will be awesome?” I raise an eyebrow at him. A very well designed eyebrow, thank you very much.

“True. And you’ll win the cosplay contest, easily.” He stands up again, grabbing his makeup box. “Okay. Let me just touch up the makeup and we can go, right?”

I check the time. “Yeah. The doors opened like... twenty minutes ago.”

Jason shrugs. “That’s called fashionably late.”

“No, that’s called late because of fashion.” I laugh. We had a small costume issue this morning, and I had to fix the hem of Jason’s skirt over breakfast. Which meant that we started getting ready a little later than planned. It seems that Jason’s skirt had been ripped when he packed or something. I don’t know. I never understand how he tears and breaks things so easily.

“Fine.” He opens the box. “Sit still, this won’t take long.”

I close my eyes, taking slow breaths. This is the perfect moment to try and relax a little. To try to not be as overwhelmed as I really feel. This is my third year attending AmAnime, and every year has been more crazy and more amazing in equal amounts. A few weeks ago I was at a friend’s birthday party and the way they looked at some of my cosplays, even the ones that I don’t think are very good, reminded me that what I see here at the con is special, I just see the really good outfits, not the mundane ones. What we do isn’t just some boring task, it’s magic, at least, it is for the people who only see the end results.

I sometimes forget that. I get so wrapped up in everything, in the competitiveness, in the comparing, that I forget that this isn’t about that, this is about getting dressed up, about portraying our favourite characters. About having fun.

It was a good reminder, one which I really needed at the time.

And today, I get to do exactly that, I get to be here, play Sakura, have a good time, and all the things that come with that.

It’s going to be awesome, like always.

The first person staring at me started when we were still walking down the hallway from our room to the elevators. The girl got a huge smile on her face and she grinned as she waved at us. I waved back, always happy to greet people who get excited seeing me like this.

We had to wait for a second elevator, as the first one was already full and I wouldn’t have fit in with my dress. One of our friends, Kevin, was in it though, and greeted us, giving me a big thumbs up. The second one wasn’t as full, luckily.

Jason keeps his hand on my arm, trying to make sure I don’t fall over when the elevator starts or stops. It feels good, safe, steady. I know that he won’t drop me, at least not if he can prevent it.

When the doors open, Kevin and Ruby are already waiting for us.

Ruby gasps like he’s in a theatre play and has to convince the people in the back of the audience of his surprise. Although, I’m not entirely sure that that isn’t what he’s trying to do anyway, reach the people at the back of the hallway with his performance. You never know with him. “I saw the pics you shared. But this...” He shakes his head. Then he makes a twirling motion with his hand. “Show us.”

I turn slowly, showing the dress off. Getting all the lace in the right locations and making sure that the dress wouldn’t sag or hurt my hips like crazy wasn’t easy, but I’m really proud of the results.

“Best one you’ve done yet?” Ruby comes closer. “Do you think?”

“Probably.” I nod. “And not too common yet. I hope.” I grin, glancing around.

“You never know.” He smiles. “I haven’t seen a Sakura yet, not from Magical Princess Club! anyway, I did see one or two from Cardcaptor Sakura, of course.”

“You decided to match with Kevin for the day?” I look between them both.

“That was a total accident.” Kevin shrugs. They’re both cosplaying the same character, Violet from Violet Evergarden, but Ruby is wearing a cosplay of the original design, and Kevin is wearing a genderswapped version, all tightly pressed pants and well-tailored jacket. “It wasn’t planned, but I guess it works out anyway.” He looks out over the group of people waiting to get into the event hall. “I guess we should start getting in line.”

I take his arm. “I think I can do that, with a handsome soldier at my arm.”

“What about me?” Ruby play-pouts.

“Of course.” I grin. “Wouldn’t leave you alone.” I hook my arm through his too.

“Okay.” Jason grins. “Just... stay like that for a moment. This deserves a picture.” He takes a couple of steps back and digs his phone out of the top of his dress, then he makes a couple of pictures of us.

The next moment, five more people have joined him, taking pictures of us and I keep smiling. This is normal, this is what you get when you cosplay, especially when you stand out like we do. Pictures, loads of pictures.

Kevin lets my arm go, instead sliding his arm around my waist and I lean back against him. There are more people taking pictures now, and a couple of girls are grinning like crazy as they see us, I’m also pretty sure I heard a squeal from somewhere. It has to look cute, the both of us together, my dress is mostly pinks and whites, and Kevin’s outfit is mostly dark green. He looks very handsome, and I do feel a little like a princess in his arms.

When this has gone on long enough, I stand back up straight and Kevin lets me go. “I can do more pictures later, but I’d really like to get in line now.” I smile at the people around us, and we make our way to the line. Sure enough, on our way to the line, and while we’re standing in line, more people start taking pictures of us. I’m used to it, I keep smiling and waving at people, showing my best smile. If I didn’t want this, I wouldn’t have cosplayed…

As we’re waiting to get in, more of our friends start joining us, and when we reach the entrance of the halls, we’ve grown to quite a sizable group of people. Most of us are in cosplay, though, a few are simply dressed up in pretty clothes and we have one photographer with us, Justin, who is in plain black clothes.

This group has been together for years, though I only joined them about two years ago. When it comes to people I trust, people I really care about, they’re top of the list. I don’t know what I’d be like, what these last years would have been like, if it wasn’t for them. Them, and Jason of course.

I smile, my heart light. I can’t help this happy feeling inside as I look around the convention hall. “I think I need to be at the back of the hall, near the stage, to sign up for the cosplay competition.” Practical things first, then fun.

“Well, let’s go there, then.” Kevin starts walking, pulling me along. “I think a few more of us need to be there.” He grins, his eyes sparkling. “Let’s crush this competition. Again. It’s our tradition.” He looks back. “We can’t break the streak.”

“No. We can’t.” I grin too. Our group has won most of the spots in the competition four years in a row now, and the last two years we’ve even taken the number one spot, twice.

Well, I took the number one spot for individual cosplay two years in a row, Ruby, Kevin and Evelyn took them for group cosplays. And now I want another win. I want to win this year too. I’m not going to lose. I worked as hard as I could on this cosplay so I could win, and win I shall.

I quicken my steps, trying to walk next to Kevin, whose longer legs make him walk much faster than me in my heels.

There is no way I’m letting him walk in front of me. I’m not going to be dragged around like a princess, I’m going to rule like one instead.

Magical Princess Club go!

The line for the sign-up table is long, again, of course. I check out the competition as we wait. There are some really cool cosplays in here. I can see someone cosplaying Elias from The Ancient Magus' Bride, very impressive and tall, and also 2B from NieR: Automata. They look really good.

I recognise most of the cosplays, which means I watch way too much anime, and then there is just the general culture around everything, so even if I haven’t seen an anime, I’d probably recognise the most common characters from that anime if I’d see them.

Then my eyes fall on someone in a light blue dress at the other side of the stage, and I stop moving, my heart beating faster.

No way. You’ve got to be kidding me. No way.

“Jason?” I pull on his arm. “Please tell me I’m not seeing things.”

“What did you see?” He turns in the direction I’m staring in, but when I look again, the person in the dress is gone.

“I think I just saw someone in Aoi cosplay.” I try to focus on what I saw, try to figure out if I really was seeing what I thought I was seeing.

I was just too surprised to find someone cosplaying the same anime, that I sort of zoned out a little. Aoi is the best friend of Sakura in Magical Princess Club!, so finding someone cosplaying her too would be really cool. I can already imagine a couple of cool things we could to together today.

“Really?” He looks around again, but then shrugs. “Not seeing her anywhere right now. Are you sure?”

“Pretty sure. It was just a flash though. But what I saw. Yeah. She looked like Aoi. Though I only saw her back, so it could be another magical girl cosplay, but, you know, it wouldn’t be that surprising.” I keep looking around, trying to find the girl again.

It would be so cool if there was an Aoi cosplayer walking around. We could take pictures together, especially if her cosplay is as good as it looked from the back.

Great. Now I’m really excited about meeting a random girl, just because she also cosplays a character from the same anime I’m cosplaying.

Well, it is one of those awesome ways to make friends at conventions like this, find the people who have the same interests as you have, and cosplay is as good a way to do that as any…

But now the waiting in line is even more annoying.

I want to find Aoi.

4

Crossplay = Crossdressing cosplay = When the gender of the cosplayed character doesn’t match the gender of the cosplayer. This is a sub-type within cosplaying. Sometimes people try to match the gender and look of the character being cosplayed as closely as possible, but other times it’s done within the confinements of what the cosplayers themselves are comfortable with and what they feel best matches their body type. For example, not all men crossplaying female characters will put on fake breasts, and not all women will bind their breasts when they crossplay a male character. For my first time, I’m not doing anything complicated, I just want to be as comfortable as possible while trying something new.

As I looked at the row of people standing in line to sign up for the cosplay competition, I decided against joining them in the line for the moment. It’s too early in the day to wait that long, and Mya is way too impatient to stand still for too long at a time. She wants to visit the stand she’s been talking about since yesterday. I get it, the excitement and not wanting to wait part, I’ve been like that before. But I don’t know if I was every this annoying about it, to be honest. Maybe I’m just a little grumpy right now because I’m still not that comfortable being dressed up like Aoi, and Mya is way too comfortable being her fangirl self right now, enabling all the other people to fawn on me too. It would have been fun, if I’d had more confidence in myself, I guess.

“Aoi! O-M-G!” A girl wearing a Sailor costume from a Sailor Moon character I don’t immediately recognise comes rushing over to me. “Ah! Can I take a picture? You look so cute!”

I open my mouth to answer, but then decide against it. Instead, I nod. I grab my staff with two hands and pull one of Aoi’s signature poses. At least, one of her signature poses that doesn’t take too much space to pull off, since it’s kinda busy around here and I don’t want to hit anyone accidentally.

The girl takes a few pictures, grinning constantly. “Thank you so much! You look great!” She steps closer. “Can I hug you?” Her eyes shine from seeing someone cosplaying a character that she probably likes, or at least recognizes. But apparently, my answer doesn’t come fast enough. I froze up a little, not sure what to do, not sure how to act. So she shrugs her shoulders, still smiling, her grin not faltering one moment. “That’s okay, don’t want to invade. Have fun today! I bet I’ll see you at the cosplay competition, right?”

I nod again, smiling now. That was easy enough.

“Cool! See you there!” And she’s off again, waving at me for a moment.

Mya bumps her shoulder into mine. “You’ve got fans.” She winks. “It really doesn’t matter who you cosplay as, you always have fans in like no-time flat.” She keeps grinning, shaking her head a little.

“Should I...” I look around, now even more self-aware about my voice. “Like... speak or not speak? Doesn’t speaking, my low voice, break the illusion?”

Mya shrugs, thinking. “I don’t know if it matters, really. And you do get very far with just that smile of yours.” She turns around. “We should be close to the stand now.” She checks her map, her fingers moving over the aisles and stands, counting them.

“Let’s go, before I get photo-bushed again.” I tug on her arm.

“Photo-bushed?” She raises an eyebrow at me.

“Ambushed for more photos?” I grin.

Mya now rolls her eyes at me, shaking her head. “Yeah, let’s find the stand first. Maybe I can buy some manga or something to entertain myself as you get fawned over by fangirls and fanboys.” She grins, looking decidedly... evil.

I follow Mya through the crowd until we get to a stand filled with fan items. Art, key chains, doujinshi, cards, t-shirts, plushies, basically anything you can imagine being made as fan art seems to be here. Some of it is official swag, but a lot of it is fan made.

I let out a squeal as I find the one item I’ve been trying to get my hands on for months. “Deimos plushie!” I can’t believe they have one here. I’ve been trying to find one online for months without luck, after I saw one on Twitter.

Mya rubs her hand over her ear, moving away from me. “You’ve got the fangirl squealing down. Now, next time, please make sure you’re at least three steps away from me before you do it again.” She grumbles a little, but still smiles.

“Do you like Deimos?” The girl behind the stand leans over. “He’s pretty popular. That’s the last one I’ve got, I already sold five today.”

“Already?” My mouth falls open. The con opened not even an hour ago.

“Yeah.” The girl grins. “He goes pretty quickly, but takes a while to make, so I don’t usually have many of him with me at cons.”

‘Takes a while to make.’ I need a moment to let that sink in. “You make these yourself?” Now I’m really surprised.

“Yeah.”

“Wow.” I look at the little guy in my hands. “I’m buying him now, then. I don’t want to miss out. I cosplayed him last year, so I kind of need to have him.”

“Last year?” The girl thinks. “I may have seen you last year.”

“I was with a Phobos, Athena and this girl.” I point at Mya. “I don’t think I’ve got pics of the cosplay with me right now, though.”

“That’s okay. I think I remember you, yeah.” She smiles. “You looked very cool. And this Aoi cosplay is super cute too. It must have taken a long time to make.” She looks me up and down, and I totally forgot about being Aoi for a few moments. But it doesn’t seem to phase the girl.

“Thanks. I’m Elliot, you are?”

“I’m Emma. Nice meeting you.” She looks over to the side, there are other people looking at her stand, she probably needs to keep an eye on them, and I need to not distract her too long.

“I’ll just pay for this little guy, and then I’ll stop distracting you.” I hold out Deimos.

“Thanks. Good plan.” Emma lets out a laugh. “Cash or card?”

“Card.” I turn to Mya for my wallet.

Mya sighs as she takes my wallet from her bag. “I’m going to have to carry Deimos around all day, won’t I?”

“You love him too, I know you do.” I grin, then take my card out of my wallet and pay for Deimos. “And we can always dump him in the hotel room if it gets too annoying.” I shrug as I take the plastic bag with Deimos in it from Emma. “Thanks.”

“Have fun! And have a great time at the con.” She smiles, then she turns to another customer.

Mya moves a little down the aisle to a stand with all sorts of magazines and books. She steps to the side of the stand, digging through a box full of magazines, fanzines and other paper things. She’s really focused, and I’m pretty sure that I know what she’s looking for.

There is this sports anime, an ice skating one, and she really wants some slash doujinshi of the two main characters. I keep forgetting the name of the anime, but she’s been obsessed with it, especially since they announced that there would be a movie made of it too. I’m not into sports anime, so apart from seeing memes and screenshots of it on Twitter, I don’t really know anything about it. Which, according to Mya is a shame, but I watch too many anime anyway, I don’t have time for more.

I step to the side, letting other people get to the stand and just scroll through my social media, watching the pictures of the event being uploaded. So many people. The event organisers are calling it their biggest edition of AmAnime yet, which is pretty cool because we don’t get many anime conventions around here. So as long as the event keeps growing, I’m happy, because it also means that they’ll probably keep running it.

Then I stop scrolling. I stare at the picture, and then again. That’s... Someone is here as Sakura from the Magical Princess Club! anime!

I enlargen the picture, looking at the details of her dress, of her hair. She looks... Wow. Sakura doesn’t really fit my personality, and her outfit is way more complicated to make than Aoi’s outfit was, so I never really considered cosplaying Sakura. But this girl. Wow. She really looks like a real-life copy of her!

“What are you gaping at?” Mya tries to look at my phone screen from the top. “Show me.”

“Sakura.” I turn my phone to Mya. “Someone’s here as Sakura.”

Mya’s eyes grow, and she starts to smile. “That’s impressive.” She looks up at me. “And now you want to go find her?”

I hadn’t even thought about that part yet. Meeting someone who is cosplaying the character who is Aoi’s best friend in the anime? While, as a fan of the anime, I totally want to meet the girl, as someone who isn’t really sure if he can really show up in his own cosplay... I’m too scared. “Maybe? I don’t know.” I shrug. Any other day, I would have immediately tried to find Sakura and hoped to take a picture with her as soon as I’d seen the photo. But next to this girl, my crossplaying will be so obvious, and what about just... I don’t know.

“Come on.” Mya grabs my hand.

“Where are we going?” I stumble after her, trying to not fall flat on my face or lose my staff or the Deimos plushie.

“The cosplay competition sign-up table.”

“Why?” I don’t think the lines are gone yet.

“Because that’s where the picture was taken?” Mya looks at me for a moment, like I’m being dense and stupid.

I was too busy looking at the cosplay that I hadn’t even realised where the picture was taken. I slow Mya down as we reach the area near the stage and the table. “I don’t know if I should do this.”

“Why not? At least go and take a picture with her? You always do that with cosplayers who cosplay the characters you like. Why should this be different?”

“But... I’m in a dress.” Why isn’t that obvious? Next to her, I’ll look… silly.

“Yes.” Mya nods. “Has someone crossplaying ever stopped you from taking a picture with them?”

“No.”

“Has them crossplaying ever stopped you from taking a picture with someone who liked your cosplay?”

“No...” I sigh. “Just... I’m scared.”

“I know.” Mya smiles a little, her eyes softer. “But the best way to get over that is by doing the things that scare you. Plus, I’d really like a picture of you two, just to have the first picture of the Magical Princess Club together at AmAnime.” She grins now.

“Fine.” I take a deep breath. She’s right, the only way I can stop being so self-aware is to do things that I always would do, like taking pictures with people. “I’ll try to find her.”

Mya looks over my shoulder, her eyes growing. “That won’t be hard.” She takes a step back, carefully distancing herself from me a little.

“Aoi!” A girl calls my name, well, my character’s name, but there is an accent to her voice, like she’s trying to copy the voice from an anime.

I turn around to the sound, not sure what to expect. Then I spot Sakura, in all her pink and poofy glory. She’s eyeing me, her eyes shining, then she opens her arms, tilting her head a little, raising an eyebrow.

She’s beautiful.

I open my arms too, well aware of what that means.

Sakura jumps up a little, then sprints towards me and jumps into a hug. I spin her around, catching her weight, and keep my arms around her a moment longer.

I’m holding Sakura. I’m really holding an almost perfect copy of Sakura in my arms.

Then the girl steps back a little, grinning. “I knew I was right. I knew I saw you before.”

“What?” I blink.

“While I was waiting to sign up for the cosplay competition. I was waiting in line, and I was sure that I saw you, Aoi, just walking off.”

“Ah.” I lift my arm up, wanting to rub it over my other arm, nerves running through me, but put it down again, awkward. “Yeah. The line was just too long, and my friend wanted to see one of the stands first, before they sold out of all of the cool stuff.”

Mya steps next to us. “Hi, I’m the friend in question.” She grins, way too satisfied.

“Hey. Do you hug?” Sakura looks at her, her eyes still shining.

“With a princess? Are you kidding me? Always.” Mya opens her arms and Sakura takes her in a hug too. Then Mya looks at us side by side. “I thought that E... the Aoi cosplay was good, but yours is super pretty! It has to be really hot in there, though.”

Sakura shrugs. “A little. But... It’s worth it if it gets me the third number one spot in a row at the yearly competition.” She grins, and I totally get why she would play Sakura, she has the same competitiveness as Sakura in the anime has.

Also, potential third win in a row? “Really?”

“Yep. Champion two years running.” She puts two fingers up, her eyes shimmering and I start to wonder if it’s her personality or the makeup that make it seem like that.

Wow. That means I’ve totally met her before, because I’ve participated in the competition for the last couple of years too. Oh. That means that she would also know that I’m crossplaying right now, she would know me as boy-looking me.

“Izzy!” Another voice behind me, a guy this time, at least, it’s a pretty low voice. “There you are.” Footsteps, and then a guy stands next to her, but his eyes are on me. “Wow. You were right.”

All I can do is stare back at him. He’s crossdressing, or crossplaying, I don’t know, the style of his clothes is too generic to really figure it out in two seconds, especially since I don’t know how to react and my brain is now running in a constant loop. I’m crossplaying and talking to a really cute girl, and this guy is crossdressing or crossplaying and he seems to be her friend?

Sakura, no, the guy called her Izzy, totally didn’t react when she hugged me and must have realised that I wasn’t a girl, at least, I’m missing the whole ‘filling at the top of the front of my dress’ thing that most girls have. But I guess that makes more sense when you’re used to guys crossdressing...

It makes me a little nervous, but at the same time, something relaxes in me, at least she won’t push me away just for crossdressing. At least she’s used to that.

Right?