Scarred Cliff Collection 1

Her Escape, Their Struggle & Their Downfall

Skylar Heart

Scarred Cliff Collection 1

Copyright © 2021 SKYLAR HEART

Originally published as: Scarred Cliff Volume 1

Copyright © 2020 SKYLAR HEART

All rights reserved. No part of this story may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without express written permission of the copyright holder.

This book contains sexually explicit content which is suitable only for mature adults.

Cover Design by Easily Distracted Media

NUR: 343

Edition: 20211122

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Blurb

One girl, on the run from her life, flees right into the arms of four boys from her past.

Fleeing her abusive ex, a dead-end job and no prospects for anything better, Mia returns to the coastal town where she used to spend her summers as a kid. She hopes that going back to a time when things were easier will clear her head, but instead she runs right into the arms of the boys she loved as a teen.

It starts with Dylan, the brainiac, now a maths teacher at a nearby secondary school. Then Mal, the joker, who plays guitar in a band and composes music. Then Tom, the protector, a single dad who works as a carpenter. And to make it even more complicated, Jake, the city boy, shows up, carrying the one secret Mia has been trying to hide from the others.

But that’s not where their problems end. There was one more person who used to be with them, Poppy, she was Mia’s lover, Mal’s twin, Tom’s wife and mother of his child. Mia’s arrival couldn’t have come at a darker time with just over a week until the anniversary of Poppy’s death and everyone is on edge.

Can they finally come together, or will this explosive mix of emotions and love forever ruin them?

These are the first three novellas (Her Escape, Their Struggle and Their Downfall) in the six-part long Scarred Cliff serial, a contemporary reverse harem #WhyChoose story. These novellas may include any of these elements: steamy scenes, ‘I need tissues NOW’ moments, cries of ‘why, oh, why’ and cliffhangers that make you bite your nails (and curse the author). This story includes MF and MM scenes.

Author note: This series deals with topics which can be hard for some people, like abuse by a partner and the fallout of the suicide of a side character (which happened in the past but plays an important part in this story).

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Her Escape

Scarred Cliff 1

Chapter One

Mia

The stormy clouds rolling in from the sea feel much too similar to the dark mood that has been following me for the last weeks, the last months. So many bad things happened this year, one after another, too many to handle.

Having to miss Oliver’s birthday, then being passed over for a promotion at work, problems with the house, with money, then Grandma died, and then, last weekend... No. I couldn’t ignore it any longer. After everything, after all that time together, I had to get away, for my own sanity, my own health, my own... My own safety. I had to get away from him.

I never thought I’d end up back here again, back in the coastal town that my parents used to send me to every summer because it was cheaper and more fun for me to stay here than back home, but here I am...

It feels strange, standing on this cliff for the first time in eight years, when I used to spend every summer holiday here for as long as I can remember... So many memories are tied to this place, so many important milestones growing up.

To be back here is unsettling and comforting at the same time, but also painful, because I’m not here for fun or anything, I’m here because I’ve got nowhere else to go. Why did I think that fleeing here would be a good idea? Why am I mixing my bad situation now with the happy memories I have of this place?

In a spur of the moment decision, I packed my bags, booked a train ticket and came to the coast. I had to get away, and this seemed to be the furthest I could get without having to make any plans in advance. After Grandma suddenly passed this summer, which caught me totally off-guard and has been pulling me down more than I expected it to, her house is now empty. A perfect place to hide out, away from the world. Maybe I just craved a little of the feeling I had when I spent my summers here. A feeling of lost innocence, of a time where things were easier. But I’m not sure that it will work, now or ever again. I’ve changed, a lot. Not all of it good...

The rough wind pulls my hair out of my bun, whipping strands around my face, and I try to tuck it behind my ear, without much luck. The wind has really picked up as I’ve been standing here and it tugs on me more and more as the stormy clouds roll closer, the sea underneath turning choppy, white heads on the waves growing.

I was always here during the summer months, never during the fall, so the cold air and the dark clouds are somehow a welcome unfamiliarity. When everything is so familiar, so normal, so much like it always was, it’s good to have this one bit of differentness, this one thing that’s not the same as it used to be, reminding me that I’m not the same either.

I step closer to the edge of the cliff, just a little, because I don’t want to fall over, I just want to look. As I glance over, I almost laugh as I catch sight of a railing hanging not too far below me. It used to indicate the edge of the cliff, the final ‘safe’ place where you could stand, and now even that has fallen down, taking with it the sense of security a railing can bring to a desolate view like this.

Time has passed. Things have broken down...

A little to my right, half a house is still standing at the top of the cliff, the rest of it having crashed onto the rocks and into the sea below. I remember that during my final summer here, my friends and I used to sit in the walled garden, protected from the elements but with a great view of the sea, as we got into all sorts of trouble. Back then, only the far end of the garden and all of the garage had fallen down, but now, half the house is gone, revealing pipes sticking out of the walls and wallpaper that has been battered by the elements.

The owners of the house left a long time ago, I can’t even remember if anyone ever lived in it when I was little. I’ve spent many a night in the garden, under the starry sky, surrounded by my ‘summer friends’ as Grandma used to call them, different from my ‘city friends’ from my parents’ place, back in the city.

A particularly strong gust of wind pushes at me, and I stumble a step back, caught off-guard by it. Fuck.

My heart beats like it’s trying to break from my chest. That was dangerous. Looking down the cliff is all fun and games, but I don’t want to accidentally end up at the bottom of it...

“Don’t get too close to the edge, it’s not safe.” A warm voice comes from behind me, the person has to speak loudly to be heard over the wind. My heart still manages to skip a beat, even while it’s racing from the adrenaline from before, not because there’s someone behind me, but because it’s a voice I recognise, a voice I’d recognise anywhere.

I turn around slowly, blinking, as I push the hair out of my face, trying to make sure it really is who I think it is.

Dylan’s eyes grow as his mouth drops open, gaping at me before he seems to come back to his senses. “Mia? Amelia?”

I flash him a smile as I nod, stepping closer to him, away from that cliff, like I said, I’m in a bad mood but not suicidal. “Hey, long time no see.”

“Long time? Heck, that was a different lifetime.” He grins, looking me over appreciatively, as always, the charmer.

A different lifetime, he’s right about that, a very different time. Even though it’s easy to recognise the teenage boy he used to be in the man he is now, it’s very obvious that time has passed for both of us, even just from the lines between his eyebrows, which he never used to have, deep worry lines.

He looks behind me, his grey eyes darkening to almost the same shade as the clouds rolling in from the sea. “Those suitcases by the road, up ahead, I presume they’re yours?”

“Yeah.” I couldn’t pull them all the way here, too much of a bother.

“Let’s get them inside somewhere. Wouldn’t want them all soaked from the rain.” And, with that, he turns around, walking back up the slight slope to the road to a battered black car.

So much for a warm welcome, but as I follow him, the rain starts and I realise that he’s right, my bags will be soaked if we don’t put them away fast. Dylan has always been the practical one. Keeping my stuff dry is probably more important than a hug or something.

Within moments, it’s pouring and we’re trying to fit my large suitcases in the back of his car, both cursing and laughing at the same time at our idiocy for attempting this.

Then he manages to close the doors and he slips into the front of his car, I join him on the passenger side, both of us grinning now, soaked and cold.

The cliff we were just at is a little off the road, but closer than it was when I was here last. There’s even a bus stop around here, though, bus stop is not the right word. The roundabout nearby is an easy spot for buses to turn after they’ve come through the town, and there’s still an old stop, which is technically still in use.

The bus driver was very surprised when I said I wanted to get off at it, asking me if I was sure, that I wasn’t mixing the location up with another stop. But when I said I was sure, he muttered something about this being the first time in all his years driving here that someone asked to get off at it.

On the drive over from the train station, I’d seen the stormy clouds come in, and I just had to see the view from the cliff. Even if it meant that I would have to walk over half an hour with two heavy suitcases to get to Grandma’s house...

It was definitely worth it. But that begs the question, with the cliff not really being on a road going anywhere. “Why were you here?” I narrow my eyes at Dylan, who just grins at me.

“Same reason as why you were, probably. Saw the clouds on my way back from work, wanted to take in the view from the cliff. Good thing too.” He looks back at the suitcases. “You were planning on walking to your grandma’s place with those?” The rain beating on the window almost drowns out his voice and he has to raise it to be heard.

Also looking back, I shrug. “Yeah. Why not?”

He lets out a sigh, shaking his head, then he glances up, his eyes twinkling a little. “I see you’ve not changed one bit. Just, walking all that way with those suitcases, in this rain... not a good idea. Especially since you’ll have nothing dry to wear at the end of it.” He glances around, then puts on his seatbelt. “Let’s go and get something warm to drink first. Wait until this storm is over before we make more plans.” He turns the car on as I quickly put my seatbelt on. “Remember that little pub we used to go to? Sophie owns it now. Let’s go there.”

I could definitely use a warm drink and some friendly faces right now. Maybe it will lift my mood a bit...

Chapter Two

Dylan

I thought I saw a ghost when I found Mia standing at the edge of the cliff like that, her dark brown hair wild around her and her jacket snapping in the wind. Like she was a manifestation conjured up in a fever dream or something, not real, definitely not real. But when she turned around and I could see her face, I knew it was her, even if I didn’t dare to believe it at first.

My heart went into overdrive, trying to break out of my chest, both from her being here as well as the place she was standing, and I suddenly felt like a teenage boy trying to talk to the girl he’s always had a crush on all over again. But we’re no longer teenagers, even when Mia still seems to be impulsive, we’re definitely no longer teenagers. The pain in my chest as I caught sight of the dark circles under her eyes, or the sadness in them, proves that these last years haven’t been easy on any of us...

“I think it’s easier if you leave the suitcases in the car.” I park at the empty parking spaces near the pub. The people who usually come here all live nearby, in the town, and now that it’s no longer summer, there won’t be many lost tourists who accidentally end up here. “We’ll get to them later.”

“Sure, Mr Bossy.” Mia’s got some colour back on her cheeks, now that we’re out of the cold. She looks much healthier even from the short drive here. Then she gets out of the car, into the pouring rain, and dashes for the door of the pub, waiting for me there.

I turn the car off, making sure I’ve got everything I need with me, and then I follow her, the rain coming down in buckets and almost soaking my jacket through even in the couple of seconds it takes me to get to the door.

As I open the door, I’m really close to Mia and I suddenly realise how badly I just want to hold her, still having a hard time believing she’s here, suddenly, out of nowhere. And if I hadn’t wanted to see the storm come in, I wouldn’t even know about it.

“Dylan?” Her voice is soft, and I realise I’ve stopped moving.

“Sorry,” I whisper, getting us into the small hallway and closing the door behind me.

She shakes her head, her eyes warm, and then her arms snake around my waist as she steps closer. I put my arms around her and pull her against me, a shuddering breath leaving me, so many conflicting emotions flooding through me. It feels weird, to have her back again, and she still fits against me so well, like a perfect fit...

“Dylan! Don’t crowd in the hallway, come inside,” Sophie chastises me, and when I glance up, she’s looking out of the small kitchen, an amused smile on her lips.

“It’s not like anyone wants to come out here anyway.” I stick out my tongue to her and then let go of Mia. “Let’s find a place to sit.”

Only then, Sophie realises who I’m with. “Mia? Oh, wow! It’s really you. I haven’t seen you in ages.” She dashes out of the kitchen, taking Mia in a tight hug. “Is he keeping you all to himself? The guy never changes.”

I hold up my hands at her accusing glare. “I just found her a couple of minutes ago, at the cliffs, watching the storm come in. I had no idea she was coming over either.”

“Come, you can sit here. It’s warm and these are the best chairs we have.” Sophie gets us to the same table I always sit at, and when I raise my eyebrow at her, she just shrugs as she grins. “What would you like to drink?”

“Hot chocolate?” Mia smiles as she takes her jacket off, revealing a tight shirt, which is all wet from the rain, and it isn’t doing anything to hide her beautiful body. How can I still be crushing on her? I should be over that...

Sophie looks at me. “You?”

“Same.” I sit down and keep glancing to the side, at Mia, still finding it hard to believe she’s here.

“Coming right up.” And Sophie is off to the kitchen again.

“This place hasn’t changed.” Mia is looking around, softly smiling, leaning on the table, her fingers playing with the ends of her wild hair.

“They fixed a leak in the ceiling a couple of years back, but other than that, yeah, it’s the same.” I grin.

She flashes me a grin back. “I’m not surprised.” Then she looks down at her hands, and her face falls, a sadness returning to it that I want to take away immediately. “Everything seems to be the exact same.”

I take a deep breath. There’s something I need to get out of the way first. “I’m sorry about your grandma. We all loved her very much.”

Tears spring to her eyes as she nods. “Thanks.” Her voice is so soft I can barely hear it over the rain against the windows. “I couldn’t believe it myself when I heard. It was so sudden. Too sudden.”

I take her hands, and she grips me tightly, shaking a little. Maybe that was a bad topic to talk about... Time to change the subject. “Do you have a place to sleep tonight?”

She glances up, confused. “At Grandma’s place. I thought I said that already?”

“I thought you meant you’d be dropping your things off there and sleep somewhere else.” I blink, trying to remember if she said something. “I don’t think it’s a good idea if you sleep there tonight... The house is cold, and if the heating isn’t on yet, then it will definitely be much too cold to sleep there tonight.”

Mia sighs. “I can handle it, you know. I’m not frail.”

“There won’t be any food, or anything to drink. And I don’t know if all of the rooms are waterproof. She had a lot of problems with leaks last winter.” Hey, just because Mia didn’t come here anymore doesn’t mean that I didn’t drop by her grandma’s place from time to time, she was cool.

Mia looks my way, almost amused. “Or, you could just say that you want me to crash at your place, you know?”

“I didn’t mean...” I look up and Sophie is coming over with our drinks, right on time. “Sophie has a couple of rooms above the pub, she rents them out for the night. If you’d be interested. I didn’t mean to imply...” What kind of situation did I get myself into now?

“You don’t want her to sleep at your place?” Sophie is looking at me like she doesn’t believe me as she puts the drinks down. Yeah, my crush on Mia wasn’t really a secret around here...

Mia lets out a light laugh, the first real one I’ve heard from her, and my heart skips a beat at the sound, making me relax. “I’ll crash at yours for the night, since you offered so nicely.” She looks my way, her eyes warm, a twinkle in them.

“That was not what I meant,” I grumble, taking the warm mug of hot chocolate between my hands. “But you’re welcome to sleep at mine.” It’s not like I don’t have the space for it or anything... Even though I only live in a converted garage, I don’t have much stuff and I have a couch which can turn into a bed, for when someone stays over.

“Good.” Mia smiles. “Now, what have you been doing since I stopped showing up?” The happy feeling starting in my stomach crashes to a halt, and she must notice it as she takes a quick breath. “How is Alex? Do you still talk to him?”

Alex, well, that’s easier... “He goes by Mal these days, from his middle name. He says it’s ‘cooler’, that it fits his ‘image’ better. And he’s got these horrid shirts he wears with ‘Mal-adjusted’ on them. Like it isn’t clear from his hair and piercings and stuff how poorly adjusted to this world he is.”

That makes her smile, slightly rolling her eyes. “Sounds like him.”

I nod. “He plays guitar in a band and is a producer. He makes enough money from it for renting a place to practice and his equipment and everything, and even to tour, but somehow he never seems to be able to make enough to pay rent. So he crashes at people’s places.”

“He’s living the wild dream, then?”

“He definitely is.” Mal always wanted the life of rockstars, ever since he was young, and he made it too, in a way.

“And Tom? Did he become a carpenter? Does he have his own company yet?” Her eyes are warm, and my heart sinks when I realise she doesn’t know... Oh, fuck. This is definitely not a talk I want to have here. There are so many things that she doesn’t know about, and once we start... Yeah, no.

“He did, both of those.” I nod, taking a sip from the still too hot drink in front of me, scorching my tongue.

“But?” She’s looking at me, getting cautious at my tone.

“I’ll tell you later. Not for now, not here.”

“Dylan?” Her voice drops, and I dread the next words already. “What happened to him? He’s still alive, right?”

I nod quickly. “He’s alive.” My voice is all gravelly, and I clear my throat. “He’s alive and well. I promise. Just... This is not the right place to talk about it.”

“Okay...” She glances down at the mug in her hands. “Okay.”

I wish I could just tell her, but I know what will happen if I do, and I’m not ready to deal with that right now. So close to the date that... To the date when things went wrong for him, for Mal, for all of us. I can’t tell her here out in the open. Because she’ll fall apart, like we all did, and we need to be somewhere safe for that, somewhere where half the town won’t see us.

I carefully reach out, putting my hand on her arm, trying to sound more upbeat. “But I can tell you about the big-chain grocery store they tried to open here a couple of years back and how that failed miserably.”

She slowly smiles, placing her hand over mine, squeezing a little. “I’d like to hear that. That sounds like a great adventure. Who thought that was going to be a good idea?”

“The county.” I shake my head, glad to talk about something a little lighter, even when I know that we’ll have to have a difficult talk later...

Chapter Three

Mal

I grumble as I pull my jacket around me tighter. The rain hasn’t stopped yet, and I’m starting to get really cold. I didn’t really get wet when I dashed over from the bus stop, but my jacket is cold and it doesn’t help with keeping me warm now that the temperature is quickly dropping, since it’s starting to get dark.

Where’s Dylan? Why is he so late? He’s normally here by now on a Tuesday. I know his teaching schedule, he should be back already... Where is he? I just want to get inside and take a warm shower, that’s all.

I pull my guitar and bag further under the cover above the door, making sure they’re both staying dry. I didn’t actually message Dylan that I’d be coming over, on account of having forgotten my phone in the band’s van, and the van being at the place where the rest of the band is staying...

Obviously, that’s nowhere near here...

Sighing, I stretch. I’ll have to go pick it up tomorrow or something, but not today.

It’s no surprise that the guy who was letting us crash at his place kicked me out... I’ve not been in the best mood lately, and I was in a particularly shitty mood today. I don’t know why, but I got into a huge argument with him and then he kicked me out... So, now I’m at Dylan’s a week earlier than planned. I just hope that he’s okay with it, not that he would deny me anything, not him, but still, I don’t like imposing like this on him.

A car drives up to the side of the house, I recognise the sound of the crappy motor of Dylan’s car, the guy really needs to let someone check it out, it doesn’t sound right.

I wait at the door, not wanting to get out in the rain to greet him, no use, when he’s coming over here any moment anyway. I don’t want to get colder than I already am.

Right on cue, Dylan steps from behind the hedge that keeps his place separate from his parents’, his eyes going wide in surprise when he sees me. “Mal?”

“Hey.” I flash him my best grin. “Change of plans, thought I could crash at your place a little early.”

He shakes his head, smiling, as he steps past me to open the door. “Got kicked out again?”

“Meh.” I shrug. “I got kicked out, I left. Technicalities.” I’m about to turn around to follow him inside, when movement at the hedge pulls my attention back… As I glance over, my heart sinks.

No way. No fucking way.

My throat immediately closes up and I blink as I stare at her. Mia! She’s here!

“Hey.” She smiles, but her eyes are troubled as she puts her hair behind her ear, letting me see her beautiful eyes better, very sad but beautiful eyes.

“Hey.” My voice skips and I step closer to her, no longer caring about the rain. I take her in my arms, pulling her as close as I can, not able to believe she’s here. After all this time, she’s here. My head goes all muddy as thoughts race around, our past in collision with our present. No way.

“You’ve gained muscles.” She laughs into my chest as she leans into me.

“You’ve gained sexy curves.” Which are very easy to feel against me when she’s holding me like this, this almost desperate hold we have on each other. Fucking hell, she feels good against me, after all this time. “I’m sorry about your grandma.”

I still can’t believe she’s gone. I’ve spent many a night there, especially these last few years, when the guys got tired of me. She made me do chores around the house in exchange for a place to sleep and a place for me to practice without disturbing anyone. It’s still strange that she’s gone.

“I’m sorry about Poppy.” Her voice gives out and the words are like a punch to my gut. My own tears start streaming down my cheeks as my heart breaks all over again.

Poppy, my twin sister... She... She killed herself a couple of years back. It’s only ten days to the anniversary of her death. Fucking hell... I tried to push it from my mind, but of course, that never works, it still hurts every day. Just staying alive is a constant reminder that she’s no longer with us.

“Hey, get inside you two.” Dylan is suddenly very close to us, pushing us in the direction of the door. “You can talk there. I’m grabbing Mia’s suitcases, but you two should make sure you don’t get cold. Towels are by the bathroom door.” His voice is soft, careful, and I realise that he’s looking way too calm to have told Mia yet...

She doesn’t know. She knows about Poppy’s death, but not about any of the rest surrounding it. She doesn’t know any of what has happened these last years yet. Because no matter how calm Dylan can be around people, he can’t talk about these last years without breaking down.

And suddenly, I don’t need to get inside so badly anymore...

“It’s fine that you don’t want to wear wet jeans, but at least put on something else.” Dylan is glaring at me as I step out of his bathroom.

“Lend me something of yours, I didn’t pack more jeans.” I shrug, I kind of had to get out in a hurry and jeans always take too much space in a bag.

“Fine, you can wear my sweats or whatever. You know where they are.” He turns back to the counter where he’s making us something to drink and a couple of things to eat.

I grin at Mia as I slip into his bedroom, getting a wicked wink from her. As I mostly close the door behind me, grabbing one of Dylan’s pairs of sweats and pulling them on, I call out to him. “Mia doesn’t mind watching me lounge around the house half-naked.”

When the door opens more, Dylan is looking around the corner and I nearly jump, I hadn’t realised he was this close. “I don’t mind either, but I don’t want your nearly-naked ass all over my couch.” He winks and then goes back into the living room.

Fucking hell, asshole. He knows I get hard when he looks at me like that... Teasing me when he knows that we probably won’t be doing anything tonight, not with Mia around.

I quickly grab my wet jeans from the bathroom and hang them on a rack to dry, before I join Mia on the couch, trying to sit as close to her as possible. She’s now wearing a pair of her own sweats, all comfy and cuddly, and I want to wrap myself around her, but I also know that we need to get a couple of things out of the way first, especially before she meets Tom and Elly. It would be bad if she saw them without knowing the whole story...

“Why are you both looking at me like that?” Mia’s voice is weary. “Like something really bad is about to happen.”

When I finally look up, Dylan is looking at me and I know that I should be the one to tell her this. “What do you know about Poppy’s death?” It still hurts to say her name, to even think of it.

She looks at me, her eyes so sad, as she takes my hands. “Just that it happened. That she’d been having problems and that she...” She swallows, her eyes filling with tears. “She died.”

I nod, dreading what I’ll have to tell her, to remember everything. “The summer you stopped showing up, Poppy and Tom got into a relationship. They married soon after he got his first job, and a year or two later they bought a house together. They wanted a family. It took them a while, but Poppy got pregnant. Only, something was off about her. It started before she got pregnant, but it was especially strong the last months of her pregnancy.” My voice gives out, and I take a shuddering breath, trying to get enough air into my lungs to keep talking.

I don’t want to remember this, but I have to. “After Elly’s birth, everything seemed fine for a while, until the darkness returned with a force we didn’t expect. She... She...” Dylan’s arms slide around me and I gratefully lean against him, not able to continue. Everything hurts too much, my head, my heart.

Dylan takes a slow breath. “One night, while all of us were just hanging out, she went for a walk, said she needed some fresh air, and she didn’t come back. We searched all over the place, in the middle of the night, it was raining really badly that night, so it was hard to see anything. In the end, we found her at the bottom of the cliff, the sea about ready to wash her away. She’d killed herself. She’d left a note on Tom’s pillow, saying that she couldn’t do it anymore, that it was too much. That she couldn’t keep going.”

“No,” Mia’s whisper is so full of disbelieve. “She... She wouldn’t...” She’s staring at me, her eyes wide, but filled with tears.

“She wasn’t the girl you knew anymore. She wasn’t...” My voice wavers, and the next moment my arms are full of Mia, full of the girl I’ve always loved.

I can’t even explain my pain to her, or the pain we’ve all felt these last years. But I don’t think I have to, because even though we’ve all ‘dated’ Mia during the summers she was here, it was Poppy who she spent the most time with. The two were inseparable. I guess that knowing Poppy died and knowing how she died are two different things, especially when it’s something horrific as this.

I slide my fingers over her back, holding her tightly, needing her. “She always loved you,” I whisper into her hair. Even though it’s true, I don’t know why I tell her, why I feel I need to tell her that.

“I’m sorry.” Mia’s voice is rough as she sits back, staring at the both of us. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.”

“I don’t think there’s anything anyone could have done in the end.” Dylan lets out a slow breath, his chest moving against my back. “She was seeing a psych, she was on medication. She tried everything, we tried everything. But we had no idea that this was how she felt, that she wanted to end it all. None of us had any idea, until it was too late.”

“And Tom?” Her voice is so small as she stares at her hands.

I swallow hard. “He still lives in the house, with their daughter. He’s... It’s been hard, but he’s making it work for both of them.” Even though I can see the darkness of Poppy’s loss in Tom’s eyes every time I see him, he seems to be able to manage his grief a lot better than I can. I’m a coward, so much so that I try to stay anywhere but at Tom’s place, if I can, because it hurts too much. It just hurts too much, and with Mia here... It all feels so raw all over again.

Tom may have been the guy Poppy married, but Mia was Poppy’s first big love. I suspect Mia was the first big love for every one of us, no matter how cheesy that sounds.

When I saw Mia in the rain just now, how lost she seemed, I knew that nothing was the same anymore. That we’ve all changed, we all broke into pieces, ever since she stopped coming here, including Mia herself.

Chapter Four

Mia

My heart is shattering into a million pieces, or that’s what it feels like. I knew that Poppy had died, Grandma had told me, but she’d been vague about the how of it. Now I get why.

She didn’t want to tell me that Poppy had taken her own life. She knew that I would not have just dropped everything I was doing to come here, but I would have fallen apart, forever broken, if I’d heard it back then. I was in no place to deal with Poppy’s loss, my first big girl crush, my first female lover, I was already in a bad place myself. I don’t know what I would have done, if I would have survived that winter, had I known that she’d taken her own life.

Mal is holding me, and Dylan is holding the both of us, I feel their silent sobs with every breath we take. Now I get why Dylan hadn’t wanted to say anything when we were at the pub, why he’d kept quiet. He knew what would happen if he told me, he knew that this would happen.

It’s hard to imagine Poppy being so unhappy that she’d wanted to stop living, it’s so hard to wrap my head around, when it had always been Poppy who’d been the happy silly one. Both twins, Poppy and Mal, had that silly streak in them, both in a slightly different way, Mal always mischievous while Poppy tended to be the loud and happy one, but they both loved life. They loved life and they loved the people around them, even when things were hard.

It’s like I’m losing her all over again, it’s like I’m losing even more of her than I’d lost before, knowing that the girl I’d loved had been in that much pain, and I hadn’t been there for her. I hadn’t been in a position to be there for her, forever losing that chance.

To think that we share so many important experiences, life-altering experiences, and I never get to talk about it with her, joke about it with her. We never get to compare and contrast our experiences, because I stopped coming here, and now it’s too late, now she’s gone.

Pain settles in my stomach and I just want to disappear for a while.

The last summer I spent here, we had crazy plans for the final summer after Mal, Poppy and I sat for our exams and before we would be off to university. We were supposed to go camping, take a trip along the coast, and live out of our car for weeks on end, all sorts of silly things. We’d reasoned that if we’d be old enough to go to uni, we should be old enough to get to go camping for a couple of weeks, on our own.

Of course, that would mean surviving those final weeks of exams... And that’s where everything went wrong for me...

The most important results I got that summer weren’t from my exams, which I’d aced, but from a pregnancy test, three of them, because I didn’t believe what I saw the first two times.

I got into a huge argument with my parents and they’d told me that I had to work for the summer, because obviously, if I’d been grown up enough to have sex, then I should be grown up enough to support myself, ourselves, financially...

So, I worked, I worked hard that summer, saved up a lot of money, and even took a year off before going to university so that I wouldn’t be ‘that pregnant girl’. But even after Oliver was born, I couldn’t come here. I was too scared, too messed up, too ashamed of what had happened.

Oliver doesn’t even live with me, or his dad, but he lives with other people because we couldn’t care for him. We wouldn’t have been able to support him, our families were too poor to be able to support us, and we wouldn’t have been able to manage by ourselves, at least not to the level that we wanted Oliver to be able to live. Not like us, we didn’t want him to end up like us. We had to give him a better future, and that choice still hurts so bad, even when we knew that it was the best we could do, for him.

And these guys have no idea, none of them have. They have no clue why I stopped showing up, just out of nowhere, when we had all these plans. To think that we’ve all been suffering in silence, all of us, each in our own way...

My heart breaks even more, because I can’t tell them. I can’t tell them why I wasn’t here, because I’ve been trying really hard to push it away myself...

Because if I think about it too much, I fall apart, every time.

At some point, Dylan made us pizzas and we all ended up on the couch again, eating, but not speaking much, too lost in our own thoughts. I’m staring at a spot on Dylan’s table, when he sits up straight, making both Mal and me look at him.

“My divorce finally came through yesterday.” His voice is rough, and sad. “I got the news late in the afternoon.”

Divorce? What the?!

“Grats. Took long enough,” Mal grumbles, sitting up more and pulling me to his chest, making himself comfortable against me as he chews on a pizza crust.

“I know.” Dylan sighs, then looks my way, not fully facing me, like he’s ashamed or something. “I got married after I finished my bachelor degree. We lived in the next town over, closer to the school I work at. But...” He grimaces. “I wasn’t a good husband.”

Mal lets out an unimpressed sound. “You two didn’t match.”

Dylan smacks his arm, glaring at him. “A guy who can’t commit to anything but his music doesn’t get to pass judgement on relationships with other people.”

Mal shrugs, grabbing another slice of pizza. “Just saying.”

“What went wrong?” I find it hard to believe that Dylan, the guy who always takes care of other people, would be a bad husband to anyone.

He lets out a long breath, grimacing again. “My first year as a teacher wasn’t easy for me, I was overworked and...” He glances at Mal. “Things here, with the guys and Poppy, were also not very good. I got into a bad habit...”

“Alcohol.” Mal’s voice is softer this time, more caring. “It’s why there’s no booze in the house. He doesn’t drink anymore.”

“I’m so sorry.” I reach out to Dylan, who takes my hand and holds it.

“It took me much longer than it should have to admit that everything was falling apart. Even after Poppy’s death, I was trying so hard to keep everything together, to keep everyone together. I had to keep going. In the end, I was kicked out of my house. She’d gotten tired of my arguments, of me never being there for her, of me never being there, period. And she was right about it too.” He squeezes my hand softly. “My parents weren’t happy about me moving back, but together with Tom, and some help from that clutz,” he nods his head at Mal, “we managed to convert the garage.” He lets out a sigh. “Just haven’t been in a mindset to move elsewhere since then.”

Mal lets out a low laugh. “And that’s good, because this is a great place to hide when I’m tired of the band.”

“You mean when the band is tired of you.” Dylan rolls his eyes, glaring at the guy, but it’s in jest. “Honestly, how they haven’t run away from you yet... It’s a miracle.”

Mal laughs again. “They know that I’m the mastermind, they don’t want to leave the mastermind behind.”

I laugh too, surprised by their teasing. “Or they just put up with it because you’re great entertainment for them.”

Mal’s eyes brighten up and he slowly smiles. “I knew that that smile of yours must be hiding somewhere inside.” He reaches out, his eyes going hooded, and slides his fingers over my cheek. “Good to know that you can still smile.”

Heat spreads over my cheeks and I get all hot and bothered on the inside. Fuck... When he looks at me like that, it’s hard not to remember some of the nights we spent together...

Not just with him, but over the years, I had many a sexy night with each of them. We never had penetrative sex, I managed to not do that until the guy who got me pregnant, but that doesn’t mean that we didn’t do just about anything else you can do with hands, and fingers, and mouths.

Mal sticks out his tongue, showing me exactly what I mean with sexy times as he flashes me his tongue piercing... Fucking hell, how can I think about wanting him to go down on me after everything we just talked about? Of course, he manages to spoil the mood with the next words out of his cursed mouth. “I wonder if there’s something else to eat in here.” He climbs from behind me and wanders off to the kitchen. He moves strangely, like there’s electricity running through him or something.

I look at Dylan, who softly smiles and then pulls me against him instead. “You don’t have to look that sad.” His voice rumbles against my back. “We manage pretty well most of the time. It’s just...”

“It’s soon, isn’t it? The day Poppy died?” I can’t remember the exact date, but I know it’s somewhere around this time of the year.

“Yeah. He gets agitated when it gets close. He always comes back to us around this time, just a little earlier than expected this year.” Dylan plays with his fingers over my arm. “Not much we can do to help him right now.”

I nod, following Mal with my eyes. In comparison to these guys, I’ve had it much easier, so much easier. To think that they kept going, even when everything went wrong, it’s like I gave up too soon, much too soon.

And that thought makes me feel like crap, because this isn’t a competition... Suffering isn’t a competition, but it’s hard to ignore how they’ve been through hell, and in comparison, I’ve just had a bad night or something.